Something Ziggy this Way Comes

I took the second shift. When I took over from Clark, he had that same look upon his face that he usually has just prior to defenestrating Henri Petit. I drew him to one side and recommended that he go and take out his aggression in the Villains room, which is like a gym full of dummies with the faces of some of our greatest adversaries on them. Except in Clark's case, he changes them all to Henri Petit. 

Artie the UnbelievaCat conducts an UnbelievaFu™ Unbelievinar™ at the local Radisson, and gives several members of Sum41 an ass-whuppin'.

Clark growled at me under his breath "...that guy.. is so...annoying!!! He keeps telling us he's coming to kick our butts and just never shows up! I mean,  what is WRONG with that dude!!!?" and with that, he stalked off to kick some dummy butt.

Recently declassified photo of Clark warming up for the Villains Room.

I had never seen Clark like this. Zigfiried (or Zigfried or Zigried) had really gotten to him. True, the guy was beginning to irk me somewhat also. But, resigned to my post, I manned the phone.

I didn't have long to wait. In a matter of seconds it began to ring again.

I snatched up the phone. "Hello!?!"

The familiar snarky voice snapped back, "Ah, good morning, Unbelieva-fools! I am on my way, you idiots! I am coming to give you the butt-kicking of your --"

"HOLD ON just one second, Ziggy! All you do is keep threatening and nothing to show for it! You just keep saying you're on your way, well where are you then? Huh? You don't know, because you're not coming at all, are you? You're a one-man  flop, aren't you? you've got no goons, no henchmen, no-one to help. You keep saying you've got to go through a tunnel, well I know for DAMN sure there aren't any tunnels for literally MILES around! So tell us then, Zigster! Where the hell are you, eh?"

" Ah, well, you see, I'm, uh, very close by, quite near, just a little ways away, down the road apiece, not too far..."

"Horse pucky!" I cried. "C'mon, talk to me.... if you can worm your way in to anywhere and disrupt a big ceremony like you did the Oscars, how come you can't come over here and fight?"

Just then, Kip shouted at me from the next room. "Uh, red alert, guys! We have a visitor..."

Something small and sneaky this way comes

"Svxvxvssslisten up, Unbelievabssslllsxzz, forget about the whole svxvsz 72 zxsxz I had visitorszxzzss outa town zzzssx uncle zzsxszxAunt Clara and ffzxzsff Victoria Sandwich afararaaaa-a-a-a-zzzss. I'll be callingzzzfrfrfr Mondayccchhhh fffrfzzzss. So there!" - Yesterday

With that warning, we agreed that we should pay particular attention to the phone ringing and that we should take turns monitoring incoming calls. I drew the first shift and it didn't take long...

*R-i-i-n-g!*
ME: Hello, this is The Unbelievables.
CALLER: Hello! You've just won a...
ME: Oh, we don't have time for this!
(Click)

*R-i-i-n-g!*
ME: Hello, this is The Unbelievables.
CALLER: You dare to hang up on Zigfried?!? Your insolence will cost you dearly!
ME: That was you? You sound much clearer than you did yesterday.
CALLER ZIGFRIED: Ah, sorry about that. I was driving through a tunnel.
ME: Whatever. So, for all this drama, you're nothing more than a two-bit timeshare salesman?
ZIGFRIED: What? No!
ME: Then why did you say we've won some stupid prize?
ZIGFRIED: Ah, but if you hadn't hung up, you'd have heard me say 'You've just won a major butt-kicking from me, the great Zigfried!'
ME: You do realize that people threatening us with major butt-kickings is pretty standard around here, right? Not exactly the most creative way to get our attention.
ZIGFRIED: Ah, but you have never faced an adversary like me! You have no idea what you're up against!
ME: We do, actually. We've seen video of you in action. You're very small. Not that small people are incapable of accomplishing things because of course they are. But your fighting style of throwing yourself at people is rendered ineffective against anyone who anticipates it and simply catches you as they might an overly enthusiastic Golden Retriever puppy, followed by punting you off a bridge, not as anyone would do to a Golden Retriever puppy.
ZIGFRIED: Ah, but you have forgotten my uncanny ability to infiltrate any secure facility, such as your vaunted Unbelieva-base!
ME: Stop saying 'ah' at the start of every sentence. It's unnecessary and pretentious.
ZIGFRIED: Listen to me you buffoon! Svxvxvsss I will sxzz be theresvxvsz zxsxzbefore you realizezxzzss zzzssx zzsxszx at which point it will ffzxzsff  too late-a-a-a-zzzss. Zzzfrfrfr fffrfzzzss.
(Click)

So we know:

• He's sneaky.
• He didn't deny being small.
• It's hard to remember if it's spelled 'Zigfried' or 'Zigfreid' or Zigried' even. All of them look wrong.
• He feels it necessary to point things out by beginning sentences with 'ah', which I find patronizing. 
• He's coming to attack us and he has to pass through a tunnel to get here. 

Hmm, I'd say we're at least partially prepared to deal with whatever comes next.

A Failure To Communicate

Believe you me, we have spent many an hour studying this CCTV footage (which is why this post is late).

Something about this footage of Zigfried (or someone we assume to be him) just doesn't seem right. Staged, almost. Is it footage of a teeny tiny guy butt-kickin' on two burly geezers? Or is it footage of a normal-sized guy butt-kickin' on two giant dudes? 

Or is it (and this is the most likely theory, to my mind) footage that has been filmed from a certain special angle with a special camera, much like the ones used by Peter Jackson in the Lord Of The Rings and Hobbit movies in order to make Bilbo and Frodo look tiny alongside Gandalf and Thorin Oakenshield?

They did the same thing in Harry Potter.

Secondly, looking at the clothing in the CCTV footage, one has to wonder where a tiny guy like that can get such exquisitely tailored threads? We are on the lookout for a little person's seamstress as we speak.

Thirdly, after interviewing all the members of staff who were on duty that night at the Dolby Theatre, we found none that matched the description of the two gentlemen in the footage.

But, fourthly, and most perplexing of all, despite Zigfried ranting on Monday, "So, here's my demand: Get The Unbelievables to meet with me in 72 hours. Or all hell is going to break loose. You'll see real damage done, not just a simple switcheroo at an awards ceremony ..." and despite the best efforts of the venerable Crepe and Charlemaine to put us in contact with Zigfried, we haven't yet crossed paths, and nothing untoward has occurred. So what the heck is going on...?  

:::UPDATE::: As I write this, Kip, our trusty mail lad, has rushed in to tell me of a barely comprehensible voicemail he just received, claiming to be Zigfried himself. I myself have just taken a listen and here is a transcript. (Sorry about all the static.)

"Svxvxvssslisten up, Unbelievabssslllsxzz, forget about the whole svxvsz 72 zxsxz I had visitorszxzzss outa town zzzssx uncle zzsxszxAunt Clara and ffzxzsff Victoria Sandwich afararaaaa-a-a-a-zzzss. I'll be callingzzzfrfrfr Mondayccchhhh fffrfzzzss. So there!"

Curiouser and curiouser. Let's see what transpires tomorrow, eh?