Walk Off, Texas Ranger

Remember back when Chuck Norris, the failed Unbelievable wannabe, tried to make a career out of all the stuff he learned from us?

We started out by just trying to ignore him. We figured if we didn't give him any attention he might just go away. But then he started putting all this, this... STUFF out there that was purely designed to annoy us, and make him look good.

Stuff like this...

Kicking the butt of a giant wolf? AS IF!

Then there was the time he started a snow-shoveling service with that other no-hoper Van Damme. LAME!

Then there were the crazy-ass ads for ridiculous products.

That's more of Chuck than I ever wanted to see.

I mean COME ON!

We took a look at these very closely and then came to the conclusion that there was fakery afoot. Chuck had (gasp of horror) been using PHOTOSHOP! 
There are no giant wolves!(Phew!) 

Nobody in their right mind would make Brillo pants! 

Van Damme's too busy in the Colorado Rockies drinking beer-colored ice water to be bothered with snow shoveling! 

Those aren't even Chuck's real legs! etc. 

We decided that Charley No-Mates (aka Chuck) needed to be OUTED. Exposed. 

That's when we called our favourite lawyer Chung S. Poon from The Law Offices Of Poon.

We told him of our discoveries and asked him if we had a case. He scratched his head and said he could see what he could do.

Well, after a while Chuck got flooded with subpoenas and suchlike (I don't really have a head for all that legal mumbo-jumbo, and we don't have to even pretend to understand it - that's why we hired Chung). He had fines to pay, court appearances to make, he had to hire his own lawyers. 

They were no match for the legal genius that is Poon, but they were by no means less expensive. Which meant that in pretty short order, Mr. Norris was spotted on the street by an eagle-eyed member of the gen. pub., who snapped this little pic.

That's when we decided to leave Chuck alone. He'd learned his lesson. You don't mess with the Unbelievables, and you especially don't mess with The Law Offices Of Poon.

So what is Chuck doing now? All we can say is he was last spotted heading for the great outdoors, to find some lonely spot where he can sort his head out.

"I've had enough! I shall become a hermit."

Keep Calm and Let Us Do The Butt-Kicking Stuff

Here's an example of one of our fliers that are aimed at reassuring the general public (i.e. YOU) and attempting to create a warm fuzzy atmosphere in these United States and beyond. We want people to remain calm and not be afraid of too much, for reasons that Clark so eloquently laid out on Monday. So I took it upon myself to create some images that can be used as fliers, posters or billboards around the world. In the one above, we use an image of the not-very-scary-but-tries-to-be failed Unbelievable Chuck Norris, who learned everything he knows from us and then tried to make a quick buck out of it. It's an ironic image - he thinks he's badass but he really isn't.

People around the globe have phobias and fears of everything from the Russians to spiders to gay people to egg foo young, and all manner of things in between, so it's our hope that by distributing these fliers with positive messages of calmness and reassurance on them, the world will become a happier, calmer, less scary place. Calmer happier people = less stupid stuff to worry about = easier cases to solve for us crime fighting types. If people are assured that we'll deal with the really heavy stuff, then everything else is just so much bellybutton lint.

Here's a few more I'm working on, so look out for these in your neighbourhood soon.