The (Unbelievable) Benefit Of Kids' Programming

You know ... there's nothing better than educational television with a twist to get the kiddies involved, aware and gung ho about learning.

That's why I think an academic, informational slant on boob tube viewing would be the way to go for the tykes.

Picture it: A lively intro and engaging narration directed right at the viewing audience to the point of enthusiasm! (Bet you didn't know Jeff, with his distinctive British accent, is the perfect man to front such voice-over interaction. He is! But any of us could step up to the task; Clark possess an intriguing command of language and I have radio announcing experience beneath my belt. Heck, week to week we could trade off to keep things fresh and interesting! Brilliant!)

The subject of our kids' programming? Why, education the Unbelievable's way of course! (Translation: Education the Unbelievable's way = FUN!)

Here are a few examples:

Revolutionary War Re-enactment

Just think of the joy learning about regimented training, wartime strategies and the mechanics of firearms! Kids like things that go boom, you know. Win, win!

Hands-On Farming

For the hard to please little ones, nothing conditions them like putting them in place of farm animals to cool their jets. With Jeff's pointed commentary, the fear of excessive, difficult equipment operation will get them to appreciate how well off they really are with their PS4s and other electronics.

Discovery At Sea Level

Kids are naturally curious. They'll be amazed at all the creepy crawlies and other things inhabiting beaches and tide pools. Careful of those poisonous sea anemones though! (The narration will learn'em.)

Rough and Ready

Nothing educates like hands-on experience. The Unbelievables unique examples of brickworking, construction and other physical activities will fine tune the clumsiest of kids, honing them to alert individuals and remove any ungainly butterfingerness.

Tools Of The Trade

Our singular and original series of heavy equipment education will have children crying "More!" when they're introduced to our step by step methodologies for troubleshooting and repairing all manner of machinery. If you're afraid of getting your hands dirty, these segments will remove any doubts.

What do you think? Terrific, I know! The kids would go wild in the streets!

"I know I have homework, mom, but I really want to tune into The Unbelievables and their nifty educational program! Can I, please?"

Yep. That could be your kid asking you to watch something that will benefit them in their delicate, formative years, something to take with them all through life. (Who knows? Maybe watching our show will benefit you, too!)

I like it!

Planning is important

We were confused. There was the threatening tone of the message in the note:

"No more Mr. Niceguy. My days of consideration are long past. This time I mean business."

Then there was the card saying "KILL YOUR TELEVISION!"

Also, who knew he was a lefty?

But Negative Charge's head IS a television set. So was this a threat or a cry for help? Possibly both? And why break our TV? This wouldn't be the first time we've ever gotten a case and had to figure out what the parameters were first before we could form a plan and proceed...

• There was the time we prepared to battle an entire squad of female assassins, only to realize they were Girl Scouts selling cookies.
• The time we thought we were receiving medals but we had signed up to offer our property as a pick-up point for metal recycling.
• The multiple times the wrong person was kicked out of a window.

In an effort to not make the same mistake over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, We decided it would be good to have a pretty good grasp on the situation before we addressed it. 

That's where Jeff came in.

The (Not So Nice) Return Of Negative Charge

*ding dong* rang the doorbell at The Unbelieva-base.

Flipping on the security monitor Jeff saw no one. There was a note left, however. He retrieved it, opened it and read it.

"No more Mr. Niceguy. My days of consideration are long past. This time I mean business."

"Guys? Someone's up to something ..." Jeff called out to us.

Suddenly I heard Clark swearing in the den where he was engaged in a bit of recreational television viewing. Both Jeff and I walked in on him at the same moment. 

"Looks like things might get interesting," Jeff noted. "Look at this note we just got." I took it and read it. 

"Television's on the fritz for some reason," Clark muttered while I scanned the note.

"This is it?" I asked Jeff. "Who's it from?"

Jeff shrugged. "No clue. Oh ... wait. There's something else." He pulled out a card tucked in the corner of the envelope. "Uh oh. Uh ... Clark? I have a feeling the television's going to be out of commission for some time ..."

Jeff showed the card to Clark and I:

The trouble with television

Well, it's fall. Maybe not officially, not yet, but the kids are back in school and Halloween decorations are in the stores, so...

Remember when TV had a very specific cycle? New shows came out in September. The ones that failed were replaced in January or February and by summer, all the new episodes of every show had been exhausted and it was nothing but re-runs. Things are different now. Networks put out shows whenever they want and many of them will go on hiatus right in the middle of the season. They still put out new shows in September but it's not nearly as big a deal as it used to be.

Another thing that happens every year is the networks try (and fail) to incorporate us into new TV shows. Not The Unbelievables® as a recognized entity, because branding is expensive, but me, Jeff and Michael as characters within these shows. I'm also not talking about lame parodies that portray us in a less-than-flattering fashion. These are standard, cookie-cutter shows taken from tried and tired templates. They try to make just enough changes to keep us (as well as TV industry professionals) from suing them, but we know it's us. Thankfully, our legal eagles get involved somehow and stop them before they ever get on the air. We don't own the rights to the names Clark, Jeff and Michael, unfortunately. For that matter, we don't even own the rights to the word 'Unbelievable', if you can believe that (I can't), so it's an ongoing struggle.

It might not be a problem if these shows weren't so shoddy and terrible.

Here's an example from just one of the crappy shows that they tried to launch this year...

OPEN ON THE MICHAEL FAMILY EATING BREAKFAST

MICHAEL: (cough, cough)
MICHAEL'S WIFE: What's wrong, honey?
MICHAEL: I don't know. I suddenly don't feel very good.
JEFF: Nasty cough there, buddy. Sure hope it's not cancer, because I'm your brother-in-law! Haw haw!
JEFF'S WIFE: Jeff! That's an awful thing to say!
JEFF: Sorry, honey. Just joking.
MICHAEL: I hope it's just a joke. I don't have nearly enough money saved for my family if something happens to me!
(Phone rings)
MICHAEL'S WIFE: Hello? Yes, he's here. Who's this? Oh. Okay. Hang on.
MICHAEL: Who is it, honey?
MICHAEL'S WIFE: It's Jesse Clarkman, that derelict former student of yours. I don't care for him.
MICHAEL: No wonder, what with us having an impressionable teenage son on crutches.
JEFF: Don't forget your wife is pregnant, because you had sex with her! Haw haw!
JEFF'S WIFE: Jeff!
JEFF: Sorry, honey.
MICHAEL: I'll get rid of him. (takes phone) What do you want, Clarkman?
CLARKMAN: Yo, Mr. Michael, you wanna help me launch an elite team of fashionable crime fighters? I sorta know how but I make poor decisions and am generally kinda dim. I could use some help from a pseudo-father figure. We could make lots of money, if that's something you think you might need in the immediate future, bitch.
MICHAEL: Hmmmm...
CLARKMAN: You can let your brother-in-law be part of it, but maybe don't clue him all the way in for a few years, yo. Also, try to keep it a secret from your bitch as long as possible, bitch.
MICHAEL: Never call here again, you damn dirty juvenile delinquent! (whispering) I'll meet you at the fast food restaurant in 20 minutes (hangs up and puts on silly-yet-somehow- menacing porkpie hat).

See what I mean? Awful.
That's just one example. The guys will have more for you later this week.

TV as a leisure activity? As if.

"What do The Unbelievables like to watch on TV?"

Like to watch? As in, a pastime? Something to do to relax during downtime?
Oh, Kip. Ha ha! You're such a useless moron.
Let me tell you something, Mail Boy. When you're an Unbelievable, there's no such thing as downtime. All your time is up. Up! You hear me, you sweaty, sniveling sausage casing stuffed with not only pork fat but weak and stupid as well? UP! UP! UP!!

TV, like anything else, is a tool we use. In my case, I use it to monitor the human condition, specifically, the people who say horrible things to other people. For over a decade beginning in the last '80s, it was these people:




Running pretty much concurrently was this group of World Champions...



A period of approximately seven years of relatively good behavior passed before this woman and her pinhead pals showed up...

Now, none of these people are engaging in what could be classified as "criminal activity", certainly not to the degree with which The Unbelievables would expect to get involved. So what's the point of monitoring this activity? I guess I just like it.
Oh, shut up, Kip.

Boob Tube Inspiration

A typical powerhouse.

(And, not so coincidentally, the meat and potatoes of the Unbelieva-Base)

"What do The Unbelievables like to watch on TV?" Kip The Mail Boy quipped long, long ago.

And as Jeff mentioned, there's not a lot of downtime for leisurely television viewing in our fast-paced schedules.

But, for me, where there is a moment or three, it's Looney Tunes cartoons. With the most enjoyable being the ones utilizing Raymond Scott's iconic musical composition "Powerhouse" as punctuation.

Why? That's pretty obvious when you view the video below:



You see, quite often a lot of the scenarios in the montage above have been incorporated into The Unbelivables' methodologies. (We personally enjoy and have used the final scene in the video of Sylvester huffing the barrel of gunpowder over the hills on some of our unwitting foes.

Bottom Line: Looney Tunes are not only enjoyable and frolicky but offer useful information for our endeavors.

See? Fun and educational ... all at our leisure. Makes television viewing appear worthwhile instead of a waste of time, doesn't it?

Incidentally, that was pretty much the clincher for Kip The Mail Boy joining our merry little crime-fighting (and gentlemanly) ranks. He knew he wasn't going to get a better education in all things us than, well ... with us.

P.S. We've used "Happy Birthday" on a number of no-gooders, too. It's a classic ...