Mission: Eva

Uhm ... no.

"When you are three cool, stylish, butt-kicking, no-nonsense crimefighters with wicked moves and sweet wheels like we are, it's inevitable that some unscrupulous character is gonna try and steal your mojo in order to make a quick cynical buck or five."

Being suave and stylish has its drawbacks, folks.

And that can only mean one thing: The holidays, peaceful as they were, are behind us and the start of the new year brings unwanted shenanigans. (Hokay ... that's two things. Work with me here.)

Who would have ever thought we'd have Eva Longoria to contend with going into January? Not me. And not any of the guys.

So, I was on the phone to The Law Offices of Poon lickety split. New Year pleasantries were exchanged with our buddy Chung Poon, our our crackerjack attorney at law, then it was down to business.

"Guys ... you don't really have a leg to stand on. It's not like Eva's swiping your image or your sense of style. Not even close. She's riding the coattails of Selleck's once-popular show. The only thing you two have in common is the word 'Unbelievable' ... that's it. If she used 'The UnbeliEVAbles' that would be a different story all together. I could slap here with some infringement jabs. But, as it stands, you've got nothing. And I'm sure you don't want to get underhanded about this. It's not worth it. Let it drop ..."

"I think you're underestimating her, Chung." I countered. "You're forgetting she has an ulterior motive: To reveal specific Unbelievables' trade secrets."

"You have proof of that?" Chung asked. "Because if not, it's still pointless to pursue. And even if that is her intention, the best thing you can do is let her trip up. Then I can pin something on her."

Naturally, the guys and I were disappointed. The last thing we wanted was this dim bulb shining any kind of disparaging light our way.

And that's when Clark came up with the following idea ...

Not Cool

You may recall some time ago when we told you all about our run-in with Magnum, PI. In case you've forgotten, click here.

So imagine our chagrin when we heard via that most reliable organ, The Sun (Britain's finest comic newspaper) that our dealings with Magnum are far from over.

Ohh yes.

Eva Longoria.

This goof.

I mean. Come on!

We fought for over seven years to get rid of Magnum. And now this daft bint wants to dredge up all our secrets again!

And as if that wasn't bad enough, look at the name of her production company! UnbeliEVAble. I mean, are you taking the piss, lady, or what!?

Looks like another job for the Poons.

Moving forward with the matter at hand

Okay, so maybe I touched up my jail photo a little bit, you know, for aesthetics. And maybe the original looked more like this...

And maybe I have a preference when it comes to certain foods. I don't trust nature, okay? What, you put a seed in the ground and in a couple of weeks you pull a potato out of a ground and you're just supposed to pop that in your mouth? That's the sketchiest thing I've ever heard! No!
No, you take that potato and run some science over it and dehydrate it and make it super-concentrated so when you add water to it, it's amazing. That's how you do food!

Mm-MMM!!

Anyway, let's re-focus; Henri Petit was able to put ME, an actual card-carrying Unbelieveable IN JAIL! How?? WHY?!? Does he have a better lawyer than we do?
This is what we need to work on right now!

I may not have helped my own defense effort...

Yep, I got arrested.
When they showed up to get me (after requesting autographs and selfies), the officers said, "Uh, Mr. Brooks, we hate to do this but you're being charged with Aggravated Assault on a Mr. Henry Pet-it." They don't speak French, I guess. That's all right, I knew who they were talking about. I have certainly Assaulted him and it's because he Aggravates me, so...
"Okay, sounds about right. Let's go." I hopped in the back of their squad car and away we went.

Hey neat! I've never been in the back of one of these before!

We got down to the jail station precinct whatever, did some paperwork (more autographs and selfies) and I was assigned to a cell with two other inmates.

If I'm being honest, which I am, so far, jail was not too bad. Oh sure, there were more than a few criminals there who hold a grudge against The Unbelievables and tried to kill me, but that's gonna happen.
Pretty soon it was dinner time and here's the amazing thing; they served whipped potatoes and they were better than Jeff's! I asked what the secret was and the chef (a guy naked Lucky who was in for boosting car stereos) and he said, "they're dehydrated flakes and we add water." Mmmm! Look into that, Jeff!

Anyway, Mr. Poon arranged for my bail and I'm out now and we need to do something about Henri Petit again, I guess.

Hoosegow Time

*ring, ring*

The phone rang. I was the only one home at the Unbelieva-Base that morning.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Michael," it was Jeff. "Meet me at the Stiletto Flats police station. We've got to bail Clark out of the can. I'll explain everything when you get here."

And here I thought the day was going to be on the boring side ...

I was at the station 20 minutes later. Jeff had already started the paperwork and before I took off to meet him I'd given a call to Chung S. Poon, our crackerjack attorney at law. I bumped into several police officers I knew on the way in and we exchanged pleasantries. (The Unbelievables are on excellent terms with Stiletto Flats' men in blue.) I was directed to a side office down the hall from the station's main entrance. Jeff was sitting at a table.

"What happened?" I asked him. "Is Clark okay?"

"Yeah ... seems that little bugger Petite has been up to no good. He hung Clark on trumped up charges of aggravated assault if you can believe it. The police said they had no choice but to run him in. I was at least able to pull a favor so we could spring him in short order. He'll be out in a few ..."

"'Aggravated assault?' That's bodily injury with a deadly weapon. All Clark's ever done was lift the little twit up by the scruff of his neck and toss him through a window. Granted, he's done it over and over and over again but it's all been in the spirit of necessity. Clark's never used a weapon against him ..."

Jeff agreed. "Exactly. So I don't know where these charges are coming from ..."

With bail set and the particulars completed, Clark came out and we headed for Poon's offices.

"Seems serious this time," our buddy Chung confessed while reviewing everything. The police department had forwarded the charges to him and he'd looked them over before we got there. "Apparently Petite has documented your abuses against him over the course of the last year. That's how the police were able to arrest you. He's going to use them to make his case in court," we were informed.

"That weasely little bastard" Clark mumbled. "He's worked some pretty lowdown tactics before but this one's his lowest yet. How did he record any of that? You know, it doesn't matter. Every single thing he crops up with I can justify." Jeff and I exchanged looks. We knew when it came to Petite Clark had a hot head.

Poon put down the paperwork he was looking at. "Clark, let me ask you something. Have you ever told Petite 'Enjoy your window shopping' after kicking him through paned glass?"

"Probably," Clark responded.

"Ever told Petite 'There's nothing like fall in New York' while tossing him off a skyscraper?"

"I might have ..."

"Well those are just a few of the things Petite has listed as background fodder for these charges. We'll find out soon enough. Your court date is Monday. I got them to expedite this whole affair so we can run with it pronto. Once I go over everything in this paperwork thoroughly I'll give you a call and we'll discuss the details. Meanwhile? Don't do anything. Relax and stay away from Petite."

Little did we know this wasn't going to be the cut a dried situation we thought. Petite had some real corkers up his little sleeves ...

TVOD

Despite the obvious shoddiness and overall uninspired scripts we've seen, replete with sad, poor imitations of our snappy selves in gutterball roles, there were one or two we found amusing. If only the production companies would have come forward and asked us for help or permission or even a piece of the action for the use of our likenesses, we might have given our blessing. (Doubtful but ... you know ...)

Alternatively we found it necessary to sic our legal representation after them, The Law Offices of Poon, headed by our go-to buddy and confidant Chung S. Poon, advisor extraordinaire.

Our pal, Chung S. Poon

(To date, and because of Mr. Poon's legal wrangling, we've seized the ideas for those few that have potential. Developed properly, they could see the light of day ... but under our watchful eyes only.)

Clark said it Monday: Television had a very specific cycle back in the day. Now? Not so much. But put a couple spiffy ideas out there featuring The Unbelievables - not recycled, reconstituted drivel but thoughtful, interesting, engaging sitcoms or dramas or the like - and television could be brought back to its glory days of old.

Instead? Well ... you've seen some of the examples earlier this week. To wrap up the week, I'm offering a couple more which necessitated cease and desist letters. A few even went so far as to interest a couple prominent production studios which, in turn, ordered pilots. (Don't ask which ones. Let your mind go wild.)

"Frank" ... ??? Who's Frank?

Uhmmm ... no.

The bi-line on this one?

"And how to get around those pesky child labor laws."

Wow.

The original title on this one was

"Look! Up In The Sky! Stargazing with 3 Guys Somewhere in Nevada"

Guess they wanted to go with the more straightforward title ...

This one was supposed to be a one hour after-school special one-shot.

Almost makes you want to give up television all together ... doesn't it?

Still ... that Unbelievababes one Jeff mentioned doesn't sound too shabby ...

Walk Off, Texas Ranger

Remember back when Chuck Norris, the failed Unbelievable wannabe, tried to make a career out of all the stuff he learned from us?

We started out by just trying to ignore him. We figured if we didn't give him any attention he might just go away. But then he started putting all this, this... STUFF out there that was purely designed to annoy us, and make him look good.

Stuff like this...

Kicking the butt of a giant wolf? AS IF!

Then there was the time he started a snow-shoveling service with that other no-hoper Van Damme. LAME!

Then there were the crazy-ass ads for ridiculous products.

That's more of Chuck than I ever wanted to see.

I mean COME ON!

We took a look at these very closely and then came to the conclusion that there was fakery afoot. Chuck had (gasp of horror) been using PHOTOSHOP! 
There are no giant wolves!(Phew!) 

Nobody in their right mind would make Brillo pants! 

Van Damme's too busy in the Colorado Rockies drinking beer-colored ice water to be bothered with snow shoveling! 

Those aren't even Chuck's real legs! etc. 

We decided that Charley No-Mates (aka Chuck) needed to be OUTED. Exposed. 

That's when we called our favourite lawyer Chung S. Poon from The Law Offices Of Poon.

We told him of our discoveries and asked him if we had a case. He scratched his head and said he could see what he could do.

Well, after a while Chuck got flooded with subpoenas and suchlike (I don't really have a head for all that legal mumbo-jumbo, and we don't have to even pretend to understand it - that's why we hired Chung). He had fines to pay, court appearances to make, he had to hire his own lawyers. 

They were no match for the legal genius that is Poon, but they were by no means less expensive. Which meant that in pretty short order, Mr. Norris was spotted on the street by an eagle-eyed member of the gen. pub., who snapped this little pic.

That's when we decided to leave Chuck alone. He'd learned his lesson. You don't mess with the Unbelievables, and you especially don't mess with The Law Offices Of Poon.

So what is Chuck doing now? All we can say is he was last spotted heading for the great outdoors, to find some lonely spot where he can sort his head out.

"I've had enough! I shall become a hermit."

Gary Flurve vs The Unbelievables

The plaintiff

Long ago, one of our harshest critics was a man named Gary Flurve. His complaints were very similar to the simpering whinings - or whining simpers - of "George" (Hmm, Gary? George? Hmm.). 'Who told you you could', 'who do you think', 'how dare you', etc. He was so bent out of shape about it that he sued us! His complaint: We couldn't be The Unbelievables because of the fact that we exist, therefor rendering us quite easily believable. He hired a lawyer and dragged us into court.

Here's how that went...

MARCIA SNAGFOOT (Flurve's attorney): "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please allow me to show you some individuals who are truly unbelievable."

"Ladies and gentlemen, these are fictional characters and therefor inherently unbelievable. Clark, Jeff and Michael, the three gentlemen who refer to themselves as 'The Unbelievables' are sitting right there. Look at them! Totally there, existing in our universe and totally believable. Nothing further!"

What Marcia Snagfoot didn't know was that prior to the trial beginning, our lawyer, the esteemed Chung Poon, had arranged for this little lady to be seated in the gallery:

CHUNG POON: "Your honor, is Ms. Snagfoot really trying to tell all of us here in this courtroom that they shouldn't believe in Santa Claus? All of us? (cocks thumb at little girl seated behind him)"
MARCIA SNAGFOOT: "I object!"
JUDGE: "Ms. Snagfoot, you are a reprehensible creature. A monster! You are hereby held in contempt of innocence and dreams and I sentence you to live all alone on a jungle island infested with tigers. Case dismissed! All hail The Unbelievables!" (Courtroom bursts into spontaneous cheers of joy as a bailiff throws a pie into the face of Gary Flurve)

Now, you may be questioning the character of Chung Poon and his exploitation of an innocent child for the sake of winning a favorable verdict for his clients. Well, you may be surprised to learn that the adorable little girl in the courtroom that day...

 ...was actually the incredibly talented Charlize Theron using her actor talent power to portray a little girl.

See how Poon is a genius?
See how it all circles back to our involvement with celebrities?
See how truly Unbelievable we are?

Unbelievable Legalities

We get letters ...

"Dear Unbelievables:

You know, I've noticed lately you guys get by with a lot of stuff that comes close to crossing lines.

Just-this-side of slanderous celebrity call outs. Lots of tossing people out hotel windows from who knows how many stories up. Product endorsements that seem suspect. Seminars and lessons and what have you you "claim" as your own. Unbelieva-this and Unbelieva-that and Unbelieva-whatever, guaranteed to improve and enlighten and protect and more.

Personally, I don't know how you guys get away with a lot of the things you do.

You must have a killer legal team. I am curious.

Signed, George"

Well, "George," you hit the nail on the head. We have terrific legal representation in the event of any matters that call for such: The Law Offices of Poon and their subsidiaries.

Plus ... they even have roof top parking!

 Our buddy and confidant Chung S. Poon.

Advisor extraordinaire.

 Poon is world wide, too, with some of the best training schools in London.

Margaret Poon is Chung's sister-in-law.

The firms are family affairs.

Now ... more to the points of your letter, your "specifics" ...

Understandably, there are a good number of celebrities (and so call celebrities at that) who need to be called out, I'm certain you'll agree. Getting in the games they do, them being in the public eye is part of the job description. So, really, there's not too much hullabaloo on that front.

Throwing people out of windows? Hey ... it happens.

I can assure you, however, there isn't one person, male of female, we three have given the ole heave ho to who didn't deserve it. Scout's honor. (Besides, no self-respecting villain would run to the authorities or seek legal advice about getting flung from the 10th floor of a luxury suite. They'd be the laughing stock of their profession.)

Product endorsements? Our specialized seminars and trainings? All legitimate.

Of course ... there have been a few situations which necessitated the esteemed George S. Poon and his expertise. And, in the grand scheme of things, they weren't that big a deal. Not in retrospect, at any rate.

I'll let Jeff and Clark detail those items ...