The Saddest Troll Of All

You really have to feel for this guy ...

Folks? You've seen Monday's and Wednesday's posts. But what I'm about to impart to you today is probably one of the saddest tales of all ... as if the tales Clark and Jeff told weren't sad enough.

This one? Involves the popular Travelocity Gnome, better known as "The Roaming Gnome: Denouncer of Travel Myths."

You know him. You've seen him. And you probably don't like him all that much. I haven't personally come across anyone who does. As a matter of fact, I don't even like him all that much.

But this tale of The Roaming Gnome is somewhat tragic. Cruel. Heartless. Hateful.

The Gnome, by nature, is a vertically-challenged, diminutive figure. In short, he's short. Really short. That's the card he's been dealt. Imagine yourself that short - life would be rather difficult, no?

And that's just the attribute some might grab and make off with, just to be mean.

And there's no one meaner than Henri Petit, let me tell you.

What a little shit ...

Forget Michael Jackson and his childish antics toward Russell Crowe. You thought Don Knotts was rough on Steve McQueen? Not a chance. Compared to the daily doings Petit foists on The Roaming Gnome, those two are bush league wannabees.

Petit, as it turns out, concocts devious ways to sneak The Gnome's meals away, hiding them in difficult to reach or get to locales forcing The Gnome to go running for his comestibles. Plus, Petit replaces The Gnomes foodstuffs with little passive aggressive notes ... clues to where The Gnome can find his meals.

Sometimes it's on the roof top of an 80-story skyscraper. Balanced on a tree top. A difficult to get to fire escape. A treacherous mountain summit.

And the notes he leaves ... talk about cold-blooded:

"Hey, Clarky ... you're oatmeal is getting pretty cold up there on the roof of Trump Tower. On the plus side, it's decked out on The Donald's best linens. But not for long ... better hurry. I mean ... I know you like to 'travel' ... so get to it, Buddy."

Like I said ... cruel.

Where does Petit get this sadistic bent? Well, you might have noticed what he's knicknamed The Roaming Gnome - "Clarky." It's a not-so-subtle knock at the physical and mental anguish our own Clark projects on that buttface Petit. That second-hand-smoke-factory-in-a-child's-frame is shamelessly passing his woes onto that poor little gnome with bitter, callous disregard.

Petit is a sad, sad, spiteful little twerp, let me tell you ...

Celebs: That's How They Troll

Ah yes, dear reader. Many people like yourself are unaware of how badly celebrities can treat each other, especially when it comes to picking holes in each other's personal appearance. For example, poor George Clooney was unaware early on in his career of how famous he would eventually become, so when this photo of grade-school George leaked out, nobody batted an eye.

But then he did ER, became a megastar, and this overlooked picture became the subject of much ridicule and mirthsome joshing, mostly from other cast members and film directors. All it took was for someone to figure out that it looked almost exactly like this picture...

and Mr. Clooney has never lived it down.

Then there's the 'Thunderbirds' incident.

CNN's Fareed Zakaria has for years had to repeatedly deny that he is in fact Scott Tracy, pilot of Thunderbird 1.

"I don't know what you mean."

And Steven Seagal has been having a field day since the man-bun became popular. He calls up well-known man-bun sporting footballers such as Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Pablo Osvaldo (below)

at all hours of the day and night, berating them that they are doing it all wrong, and the Seagal ponytail (below) is the way to go.

However, the torch has been passed. Hearing of Ibrahimovic and Osvaldo's plight, and knowing how imperative it is for footballers to get a solid 8 hours rest per night, other celeb man-bun wearers such as Leo DiCaprio and Jared Leto have taken to calling up Seagal and chanting "Man-bun! Man-bun! Man-bun!" down the phone at him. 

They even sent Facebook messages with nothing but pages and pages of the words 'man bun' to him, as yet to no avail. Steven is adamant that the ponytail is still cooler than any man-bun. We are inclined to agree.

"Won't see me wearin' no man-bun."