We're doing the best we can... and that's pretty great!

Here's a letter we got recently...

Dear Unbelievables,
Boy, have you guys been asleep at the wheel in 2016! So many celebrities have passed away that it's impossible to list them all and you guys didn't save any of them! Why is whoever is paying you goofs to do what you do paying you goofs to not do what you're supposed to do?!?
PS: UGH!
Sincerely,
Deeply Disappointed in you Ding Dongs

Okay, calm down.
First of all, our primary purpose in life is not protecting celebrities, and certainly not all of the celebrities.
Secondly, a sad fact of life is people die. Granted, it's a depressing fact that so many beloved public figures have passed in such a short period of time but it's not like there's a global plot to assassinate them (there's isn't, and if there was we'd know about it and we wouldn't share that with you). It's just one big, weird, grim coincidence.
Thirdly, who says we haven't saved any celebrities? You're only thinking of those that are no longer with us. What about those that still are? Such as...

KEITH RICHARDS

This is the obvious one, the lowest hanging fruit on the "How are they still alive?" tree. Every year (not just this one), people remark how it must be a miracle that half of the Glimmer Twins has yet to Break On Through To The Other Side (I know that's not a Rollings Stones song and I don't care). All I can say about that is "no, it isn't" and "you're welcome".

DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON

 "Oh, come on, Unbelievables!!", you're saying. "He's relatively young and clearly a fitness and exercise fanatic. There's no challenge in keeping someone like him alive." You wouldn't say that if you knew about his frequent participation in underground naked jousting tournaments.

TUPAC

What?!? Why is this here?? Typo. Misfiled. Error. Classified. Forget you saw this. You didn't see it. Plausible deniability. move along, please. Nothing to see here.

PAULA DEEN

Forget how many people she's angered. If you think it's easy to keep someone who thinks chicken-fried butter with ranch dressing gravy is a vegetable from seizing up a couple of times a day, I'd like to see you give it a try.

SINBAD

You people keep killing him (on Wikipedia and other web sites) and we keep not letting it happen in real life.

Of course, there are more. Many more. Find out who some of them are later this week!

The Saddest Troll Of All

You really have to feel for this guy ...

Folks? You've seen Monday's and Wednesday's posts. But what I'm about to impart to you today is probably one of the saddest tales of all ... as if the tales Clark and Jeff told weren't sad enough.

This one? Involves the popular Travelocity Gnome, better known as "The Roaming Gnome: Denouncer of Travel Myths."

You know him. You've seen him. And you probably don't like him all that much. I haven't personally come across anyone who does. As a matter of fact, I don't even like him all that much.

But this tale of The Roaming Gnome is somewhat tragic. Cruel. Heartless. Hateful.

The Gnome, by nature, is a vertically-challenged, diminutive figure. In short, he's short. Really short. That's the card he's been dealt. Imagine yourself that short - life would be rather difficult, no?

And that's just the attribute some might grab and make off with, just to be mean.

And there's no one meaner than Henri Petit, let me tell you.

What a little shit ...

Forget Michael Jackson and his childish antics toward Russell Crowe. You thought Don Knotts was rough on Steve McQueen? Not a chance. Compared to the daily doings Petit foists on The Roaming Gnome, those two are bush league wannabees.

Petit, as it turns out, concocts devious ways to sneak The Gnome's meals away, hiding them in difficult to reach or get to locales forcing The Gnome to go running for his comestibles. Plus, Petit replaces The Gnomes foodstuffs with little passive aggressive notes ... clues to where The Gnome can find his meals.

Sometimes it's on the roof top of an 80-story skyscraper. Balanced on a tree top. A difficult to get to fire escape. A treacherous mountain summit.

And the notes he leaves ... talk about cold-blooded:

"Hey, Clarky ... you're oatmeal is getting pretty cold up there on the roof of Trump Tower. On the plus side, it's decked out on The Donald's best linens. But not for long ... better hurry. I mean ... I know you like to 'travel' ... so get to it, Buddy."

Like I said ... cruel.

Where does Petit get this sadistic bent? Well, you might have noticed what he's knicknamed The Roaming Gnome - "Clarky." It's a not-so-subtle knock at the physical and mental anguish our own Clark projects on that buttface Petit. That second-hand-smoke-factory-in-a-child's-frame is shamelessly passing his woes onto that poor little gnome with bitter, callous disregard.

Petit is a sad, sad, spiteful little twerp, let me tell you ...

Celebs: That's How They Troll

Ah yes, dear reader. Many people like yourself are unaware of how badly celebrities can treat each other, especially when it comes to picking holes in each other's personal appearance. For example, poor George Clooney was unaware early on in his career of how famous he would eventually become, so when this photo of grade-school George leaked out, nobody batted an eye.

But then he did ER, became a megastar, and this overlooked picture became the subject of much ridicule and mirthsome joshing, mostly from other cast members and film directors. All it took was for someone to figure out that it looked almost exactly like this picture...

and Mr. Clooney has never lived it down.

Then there's the 'Thunderbirds' incident.

CNN's Fareed Zakaria has for years had to repeatedly deny that he is in fact Scott Tracy, pilot of Thunderbird 1.

"I don't know what you mean."

And Steven Seagal has been having a field day since the man-bun became popular. He calls up well-known man-bun sporting footballers such as Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Pablo Osvaldo (below)

at all hours of the day and night, berating them that they are doing it all wrong, and the Seagal ponytail (below) is the way to go.

However, the torch has been passed. Hearing of Ibrahimovic and Osvaldo's plight, and knowing how imperative it is for footballers to get a solid 8 hours rest per night, other celeb man-bun wearers such as Leo DiCaprio and Jared Leto have taken to calling up Seagal and chanting "Man-bun! Man-bun! Man-bun!" down the phone at him. 

They even sent Facebook messages with nothing but pages and pages of the words 'man bun' to him, as yet to no avail. Steven is adamant that the ponytail is still cooler than any man-bun. We are inclined to agree.

"Won't see me wearin' no man-bun."

Michael Jackson: King of Trolls

Sometimes, cases come across our desks after it's too late for us to get involved and do anything about. For example, this APPARENTLY TOTALLY TRUE story (just like all the stories we tell here) came to light recently...

For one thing, he (actor Russell Crowe) found himself on the receiving end of repeated nuisance calls from, of all people, Michael Jackson. "For two or three f*cking years," he says. "I never met him, never shook his hand, but he found out the name I stayed in hotels under, so it didn't matter where I was, he'd ring up do this kind of thing, like you did when you were 10, you know. 'Is Mr Wall there? Is Mrs Wall there? Are there any Walls there? Then what's holding the roof up? Ha ha.' You're supposed to grow out of doing that, right?" - via Jezebel.com

Obviously, that situation has resolved itself.
Not so obviously, while Michael Jackson may have been the biggest celebrity to engage in childish prank behavior for the sake of mentally terrorizing other celebrities, he's not the only one.

Don Knotts routinely shook down action hero Steve McQueen for his lunch money outside the studio cafeteria, using a switchblade to underline his intent. It got to the point where McQueen would tremble and start crying when the "Andy Griffith Show" or "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" would appear on television.

Nobody knows why but folksinging naturalist John Denver tormented John "The Duke" Wayne for years with a series of Granola-based pranks; filling his mailbox with it, putting it in his gas tank and using ultra-light aircraft to "cropdust" Wayne's palatial California estate with it.

Mel Brooks to this day utilizes a time machine that he devised himself (with the help of Carl Reiner) to go back in time and put bags of flaming dog poop on Adolph Hitler's doorstep.

Stay tuned this week for more outlandish tales of childish celebrity behavior from Jeff and Michael!