Advice for the would-be gentleman would-be chef

It would appear that Jeff and Michael have covered every single thing in the universe that any female enjoys (if you thought that list would be much longer, you're WRONG and STUPID). However, to my relief, they did leave one item for me, and it's a big one.
WOMEN LOVE A MAN WHO CAN COOK
Listen, dancing and robots are awesome (especially if you combine those two things) but absolutely nothing, NOTHING heats a lady's oven like a dude who knows his way around a stovetop. "But I don't know how to cook", you simper like a simpering simpleton. Stop that! You're a man. You may or may not know what a whisk is, how to prepare a proper Béchamel sauce or what kind of wine goes with flamingo but those are details. The fact is as a male, you are genetically predisposed to applying fire to stuff and putting it in your mouth. Besides, this is a case where presentation is virtually everything. Get into the kitchen and start opening and closing cabinets while stirring things up in various pots and pans and just watch the eggs fire out of your lady's ovaries like rounds from a M240B machine gun. This is something that women find irresistibly adorable. If you actually produce something remotely edible, consider it a bonus. "But seriously, Clark", you continue to protest, "I know zero recipes". Okay, I can see where you might think that's a drawback. For that reason, I am listing a number of dishes that you should have the items for in your 'fridge and that you should be able to figure out just from the name. Simply get the items you think each dish requires, smoosh them up (together or individually) and apply some heat, along with your natural man instincts, and you should end up in the "close enough" territory.
Weiner Hash
Cheez Platter
Salad Dressing Sandwich Surprise
Coq au Vin Americano(chicken chunks in Kool Aid)
Deep Fried Gravy Nuggets
Choco-ghetti-o's
Egg Yellows

Remember, your presentation is key! Keep it classy and you're in!

"Yep, them's MY drawers tonight!"

Some Of The Best Advice Is What You Know

How am I supposed to top Jeff's advice from Monday?

Exactly. Rather the tough act to follow. And - being wise beyond my years and knowing when not to try and best someone - I'm not even going to try.

Instead, I'll discuss what I know the ladies love.

Granted, there's actually little to say about going pantsless, one of my personal fortes. Either you don pants or you don't. End of story. (Side Note: Men don trousers, all three of The Unbelievables do. But we kowtow to the simple term "pants" for the sake of the masses.)

So I'll go with what the ladies really love: Dancing.

Everyone's got there own personal style, preferences, M.O., more when it comes to shaking one's booty. But I'll tell you this: It's rarely the moves that impress out there on dance floor. Just as importantly, it's getting into the groove, showing you mean it, actuating the dance in effortlessness. Calculated dancing doesn't cut the mustard. (Well it does ... but you can watch that for only so long before it becomes tedious.)

That's why I model many of my dance moves off the great Gene Gene The Dancing Machine from The Gong Show.

The video below says it all.


Hello, Ladies!

My personal guarantee is this: Ape some of these steps and you'll never lack a dance floor partner again.

The Advice Column

One of the recurring themes that come with the territory when you are a stylish gent-about-town who is also a skilled martial arts devotee and secret crime fighter who is very good at everything else too is that women tend to find you irresistible. We Unbelievables find that the ladies are never far from crime scenes, hoping to catch a glimpse of their idols (i.e. us), or showing up when we do Community-oriented deeds such as reading to blind people and taking our llamas to hospitals to provide sick people with therapy. Yes, what I am talking about is groupies. 

Rojo the llama. Not even kidding about this.

That's right - just like rock stars, movie stars and mushroom farmers, we Unbelievables have hangers-on. Little limpets, Michael calls them. Aside from the almost constant presence of the Unbelievababes, and the occasional evil-doing female such as The Double-D Dames and the Klumpmasterflash Twins, we get a lot of ardent female fans flinging themselves at us, promising all sorts of treats of the boot-knockin' variety if we will just give them the time of day. For this reason, many guys ask us just what it is about us that women love. What, they cry in their dozens, is the secret to attracting a sexy female person? What, in short, do women want? Now, we've covered this sort of topic before, but it still gets asked of us, so it bears repeating.

Clearly it's a question of finding out what they like. You find out what she likes, you'll know what she wants. And for me at least, these are the things that I know that women like. No, not like. LOVE.

Women love...

...crossing the street in miniskirts. I like that too. 

Women love the colour red.

Women love guitars. Get yourself a guitar. We have hundreds. Only Clark knows how to play one, and all he can play is "Cow-Cow Boogie". Even so, an alarming amount of women want to get him down to his BVDs at the mere sight of his gleaming red instrument. See, RED... what'd I tell you?

Women also love robots, especially ones that give them parking tickets. Go figure... I mean, you know... women, eh?

Women love "JAZZ". And big horns. Answer this ad right away and the dames will be surrounding your domicile night and day, desperate for a glimpse of your shiny instrument. What, I can't use the same innuendo-laden joke twice? 

Women love scooters. Personally I think it's the thought of riding on the back of a machine that was road-tested in near-suicidal rush-hour Rome traffic, with the scent of pasta dishes and hair oil in the air, that gets them all a-quiver.

Women love Saabs. No explanation, but there's something about a Saab that makes a woman like putty in your hand. Little tip though - the same effect can be achieved with a late-model Skoda, but please avoid the Yugos and Reliant Robins.

Any road up, that's what I've found out about women, and those tips work like a charm every time. Use them wisely, for they are like gold dust. The guys will be along later in the week to add their opinions to the discussion. At the end of this week, I assure you you'll be beating women off with a rather large stick-like object.

You're Such A Card

As Clark mentioned on Monday, we all have our own style and approach on the day of the Big V. For me, the biggest deal is the card.

Oh, it's all very well to do the fancy dinner, the jewellery, the new outfit, the brand new Audi with a big red bow on it, the breakfast in bed, the flowers, the chocolates... but if the card sucks, then you are sunk. You might as well be wearing a T-shirt with the word 'loser' printed in big fat red letters on it. In church. Without pants.

So what kind of card is right? There are many answers, but the key word to remember is puns. Girls love a good pun, and the cornier, stupider, and more ridiculous, the better. I asked the UnbelievaBabes about the best V-cards they'd ever gotten, and they provided me with a few examples (you knew there'd be examples, didn't you? I am so transparent).

Kinky.

Oh, they get worse.

There's a bit of a tone to this one.

Croak - frog - geddit?

Offensive to donkeys.

Technically not a pun, but who's being picky?

And the worst one of all...

I heard the writer of this one now works for Jay Leno. Good gig.

 Now, I hope you follow my sage advice this Valentine's Day. if you don't, you might get a card back from your loved one like this...

She's not really into you.

Be Careful Out There

Clark was right on several fronts:

• Valentine's Day is fast approaching and will be here in mere days ...
• ... thus, all of us - collectively - agreed it would be a good thing to share the wisdom we've gathered over the years. (Don't worry ... we have plenty to go around. We won't exhaust our supply here and now. There'll be plenty for next year.)
• And ... Clark's right again: The three of us have different ideas about the day and its events ... or lack thereof.

Me? I'm not here to tell you how to make your Valentine's the sweetest ever. Clark did that last post. My job is to keep you out of harm's way as the Day of Love approaches. Just a few simple, easily manageable tips to keep you safe, sane ... and alive. 

Many believe Valentine's is all about the ladies (Hello, Ladies!) and, often, that's true. But for those who may be experiencing an achy, breaky heart during the middle of February, you may want to count your blessings.

Here's the deal (because there's always a deal): The fact of the matter is if you gather a group of women - any group of women, no matter their size, shape, ethnicity, hair color, etc. - 9 times out of 10 you'll find they weave webs. Webs woven to attract and capture the unsuspecting male causing him to say and do all sorts of things he wouldn't normally say or do.

These webs? They're not always easily seen, not always so blatant and neon-colored and recognizable. Often they're subtle, difficult to detect, invisible even to the point of undetectability, regardless of the fact the male of the species may be on the lookout for them.

Males, as a general rule, are easily drawn in and seduced by the fairer sex.

Sentiments as the above are typical offerings
from men hopelessly trapped in women's intrigue.

How? How do females do this? Well ... snappy clothing, for one ... 

We might think we're being sly by wooing someone's heart, but don't be fooled:

The female in your sights has already snared you in her ruse ...

 

... and that means you've already been caught
in a Black Widow sort of way ... 

Of course, I've fast-forwarded through all the details: The wooing ... the gifts ... the happy smiles ... the gay times ... the goo-goo eye making ... those joyful feelings filled with stomach butterflies and a general sense of euphoria, ad nauseum.

I'm not trying to "doom say" here. The good news is many of you will avoid any passionate ambush of the heart. Others of you? Just face facts: You might as well cash in your chips while you still have chips to cash in.

Look: The Unbelievables are good at many things, crime fighting being at the top of the list. But, in the ways of love, there's only so much we can do, only so many warnings we can offer.

Because the heart? It's going to do what it's going to do.  And sometimes?

... sometimes that means YOUR END ... 

Happy Valentine's Day! And let's be careful out there.

(Here's hoping Jeff has a little more positivity going into the end of the week!)

It's that time of year again

Once again, we're creeping up on our favorite holiday, Valentine's Day! And as a service to our fellow men fellows (or Unbelieva-bros! No? Okay, never mind) we thought it would be nice to avail our sultry, smooth, seductive selves to them, which ultimately benefits you ladies (Hello ladies!)
I'll lead things off but the three of us have our own ideas and styles. Of course, in spite of any differences in approach that we take, all three of us are geniuses at this stuff so you don't want to miss out on what any of us have to say. Check back later in the week for help from Michael and Jeff, but for today, here are MY tips to you...



First of all, the big day is on a Friday this year. If Friday is your "boys night out", take a raincheck, fool! Whatever it is you do with your chums every week will keep!

It's a big day for her, so if she wants to take special steps to get pretty, let her!
What do you have to lose?

Rowr!

If you're out on a date, have some snappy patter prepared in case dinner goes wrong somehow. Witty repartee can go a long way in overcoming any culinary shortcomings (so to speak).

Maybe she doesn't feel like going out on the town. That's okay! She just wants to spend time with you. How sweet! Just make sure that whatever you do, you do it together.