More Twists And Turns Than You Can Shake A Stick At

~~~moving on swiftly (we hope)~~~

The Renault stopped abruptly and Petit turned in his seat to face us, saying "So, Unbelie--", promptly falling out of his booster seat, dropping his ciggy, saying "shit" a few times, retrieving the still-burning smoke, realising the carpet was on fire, stamping it out and clambering back up into his seat, huffing and puffing to catch his breath, then finally spluttering, "So... Un... believables *cough*"

"Spit it out, you insufferable toe-rag," growled Clark, "before I defenestrate you again!"

That clearly rattled Petit and his eyes glowed with anger. Or did they? No, they didn't. It was merely the reflection of the roaring fire that was now raging on the floorboards where he had previously dropped his lit fag-end. 

We scrambled for the doors and each of us grabbed one of the TVD girls and bailed from the vehicle, gallantly rescuing them from the rapidly escalating conflagration.

"WAIT! WHAT ABOUT ME!!!" screamed the nasty toddler-like git.

"Shall we rescue him?" I asked the others.

"I suppose we have to if we want to find out what is going on," Michael replied, "although there's no immediate hurry."

"I CAN HEAR YOU!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!" wailed Petit, so we resignedly went over and opened the door.

"Wait, the door was unlocked the whole time, you tiny freak! Was that some kind of trick?" I gasped incredulously.

"Well, normally I'd say yes, Unbelieva-goons, but sadly it pains me to say that I just couldn't reach the handle. You guys just don't know what it's like to be me, you know, it's hard, it really gets me down someti--"

His pitiful speech was abruptly stopped by the van exploding (as these things are apt to do, especially in movies, which was somewhat ironic considering we were standing in what appeared to be an abandoned movie set).

"Well, that's our ride gone" said Clark.

Thus far the TVD's hadn't uttered a peep, but just at that moment one of them said, "Sorry guys..."

We heard the familiar sound of a gun being cocked and turned slowly to see the girls pointing weaponry at us.

From behind them we saw the doors of all the fake buildings opening and the familiar figures of many of our nemeses spilling from them - Sam Snow, Little Debbie, Negative Charge, The Double "D" Dames, to name a few -  all led by Tie-Po and Mac Ramey. All of them armed, and looking more than a little menacing.

What was the meaning of all this? Why were we at an old movie studio surrounded by villains? What did they want? How are we going to get home mow? How did we get out of this alive? (Because we did, you know. That's how come I'm able to write this. So there!).

Well you may ask. Fear not though, for more will be revealed on Friday!

~~~continuing on with all the continuation and stuff~~~

The Advice Column

One of the recurring themes that come with the territory when you are a stylish gent-about-town who is also a skilled martial arts devotee and secret crime fighter who is very good at everything else too is that women tend to find you irresistible. We Unbelievables find that the ladies are never far from crime scenes, hoping to catch a glimpse of their idols (i.e. us), or showing up when we do Community-oriented deeds such as reading to blind people and taking our llamas to hospitals to provide sick people with therapy. Yes, what I am talking about is groupies. 

Rojo the llama. Not even kidding about this.

That's right - just like rock stars, movie stars and mushroom farmers, we Unbelievables have hangers-on. Little limpets, Michael calls them. Aside from the almost constant presence of the Unbelievababes, and the occasional evil-doing female such as The Double-D Dames and the Klumpmasterflash Twins, we get a lot of ardent female fans flinging themselves at us, promising all sorts of treats of the boot-knockin' variety if we will just give them the time of day. For this reason, many guys ask us just what it is about us that women love. What, they cry in their dozens, is the secret to attracting a sexy female person? What, in short, do women want? Now, we've covered this sort of topic before, but it still gets asked of us, so it bears repeating.

Clearly it's a question of finding out what they like. You find out what she likes, you'll know what she wants. And for me at least, these are the things that I know that women like. No, not like. LOVE.

Women love...

...crossing the street in miniskirts. I like that too. 

Women love the colour red.

Women love guitars. Get yourself a guitar. We have hundreds. Only Clark knows how to play one, and all he can play is "Cow-Cow Boogie". Even so, an alarming amount of women want to get him down to his BVDs at the mere sight of his gleaming red instrument. See, RED... what'd I tell you?

Women also love robots, especially ones that give them parking tickets. Go figure... I mean, you know... women, eh?

Women love "JAZZ". And big horns. Answer this ad right away and the dames will be surrounding your domicile night and day, desperate for a glimpse of your shiny instrument. What, I can't use the same innuendo-laden joke twice? 

Women love scooters. Personally I think it's the thought of riding on the back of a machine that was road-tested in near-suicidal rush-hour Rome traffic, with the scent of pasta dishes and hair oil in the air, that gets them all a-quiver.

Women love Saabs. No explanation, but there's something about a Saab that makes a woman like putty in your hand. Little tip though - the same effect can be achieved with a late-model Skoda, but please avoid the Yugos and Reliant Robins.

Any road up, that's what I've found out about women, and those tips work like a charm every time. Use them wisely, for they are like gold dust. The guys will be along later in the week to add their opinions to the discussion. At the end of this week, I assure you you'll be beating women off with a rather large stick-like object.

More Villainy

Just to let you know, there's a new entry in Villains Row - and it's all about these lovely ladies...

The Double-D Dames!!!

The Demise Of The Unbelievables

Time line: August in the 1970s.

Just prior to the Unbelieva-Base being completed, Clark, Jeff and I decided it would be a great idea to  throw a welcoming open house party at our headquarters.

Think about it: What other crime fighters would go out of their way to toss a major bash at their very own headquarters?

Better: What other crime fighters would toss a bash with fellow colleagues invited but our foes being given access as well?

That's right. It was something unprecedented in the annals of crime fighting.

You know the old saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer? That was always in the back of our minds.

Not to let our adoring public be left out in the cold, we made the event even more special and exclusive by holding a drawing where 150 Regular Joes could attend ... if they were lucky enough to draw a winning ticket.

Needless to say, it was a hot time at the Unbelieva-Base in grand old Stiletto Flats, Nevada.

Little did we know, however, there was an unsavory element that would raise its slumbering head and become a major player in our list of foes. At the time, we had no idea the lovely ladies ("Hello, Ladies!") who would come to be known as The Double "D" Dames would shortly reveal themselves to be some of our most nefarious adversaries.

It was their wily ways, their subtle charms, their curvaceous curves and their convincing small talk that would ultimately win us over.

(l to r) Demi, Dorna and Dani - The Double "D" Dames

Demi (later known as Dx), Dorna (D3) and DLish (Dani) were winners allowed access to our open house party. At first, they were nothing but giddy at being a part of the festivities. And we befriended them openly at the time. We knew they had their eyes on us from the start, but we would find out later it was all a ruse, a social scam to gain access to our crime-fighting prowess, our groovy fashion superiority and the adoration of our fans and friends everywhere.

It might have been our charms that attracted them originally, but it was their greed and jealousy that would ultimately become their downfall into Ne'er-Do-WellDom.

I'll admit: I was taken by Dani (who I would later rename "DLish" for reasons I'm certain you can surmise simply by taking a look at her in the photo above) from the simple fact of her pleasant demeanor and outwardly enthusiastic playfulness. She didn't mind when I went pantsless (most days), she was a terrific cook and I never saw here without pep in her step and an ultra-bright smile.

Of course, it was the metaphorical door I opened that set the wheels in motion where these three were concerned. Blinded by the Dani's bright light, I let my guard down and, unknowingly, let a developing criminal element into our midst.

Luckily, Jeff and Clark were not as taken as I was with them ... and especially with Dani. They'll fill you in on the web of intrigue that came about ... 

... and what almost became the demise of  ... The Unbelievables ...

Beware The Double "D" Dames

"I'm sure Michael will let you know about some of our lesser-known evil-doers," Jeff said in Wednesday's post.

Fat chance of that.

Here ... let me show you why: 

"Oh, Jeff! Those are some delectable-looking whipped potatoes you have there! I completely forgot it was Tuesday!"

"I really like a man who poses next to his vintage Corvette! You're sassy and confident in equal measure, Clark!"

"Wow, Michael - I didn't know an ascot could be so attractive!

Do those exclamations sound like the machinations of lesser-known evil doers? Heck no! They're some of the most insidious commonalities we Unbelievables must shoulder day in and day out ... and gladly.

And you'd think, by the innocence of it all, there wouldn't be any underlying or ulterior motives. But let's be realistic: There are always underlying and ulterior motives when you're making small talk ... and especially small talk that comes off as throwaway. It's the most dangerous kind of small talk around.

That being said, there is no one group of Chatty Cathys more dangerous than Dx, D3 and DLish, Better Known as the Double "D" Dames. Their devious, daring and double-talking ways have often perplexed The Unbelievables at every turn, opening doors to chaos and monkey business with every turn of a phrase.

Want proof? 

"Jeff! I just love you!" Dx was caught saying to him at a chance encounter once. "You're so handsome! Much more handsome than Clark or Michael! You've always been my favorite!" 

"Clark! I just adore you!" exclaimed D3 to him during a gathering of the Annual "Spies and Good Guys" convention last year. "You're so handsome! Much more handsome than Michael or Jeff! You've always been my favorite!" 

"Michael! What wavy locks you have!" DLish was heard to say over a PA system while we were at a parade in our honor some time ago in Durham, North Carolina. "You're so handsome! By far you are my favorite Unbelievable! Jeff and Clark don't come close to having what you've got!" 

(You can see by far DLish is the one with the real chutzpah, as proof of her stating the above in clear earshot of Jeff and Clark.) 

Now ... put all this personal attention together and you can see how these web-weaving foxy mamas could inject devious shenanigans into their sugar-coated praises.

Of all the villains out there, all the wily, underhanded ne'er-do-wells wandering about near and far, these three just might be our greatest foes.

Jeff and Clark have documented and categorized more than a few of our lesser foes this week (seriously ... how can you not like Accordion Toting Dude ... ?!?), but the Double "D" Dames are more than a handful, not to be trifled with. 

Tune in next week to find out why ...