Advice for the would-be gentleman would-be chef

It would appear that Jeff and Michael have covered every single thing in the universe that any female enjoys (if you thought that list would be much longer, you're WRONG and STUPID). However, to my relief, they did leave one item for me, and it's a big one.
WOMEN LOVE A MAN WHO CAN COOK
Listen, dancing and robots are awesome (especially if you combine those two things) but absolutely nothing, NOTHING heats a lady's oven like a dude who knows his way around a stovetop. "But I don't know how to cook", you simper like a simpering simpleton. Stop that! You're a man. You may or may not know what a whisk is, how to prepare a proper Béchamel sauce or what kind of wine goes with flamingo but those are details. The fact is as a male, you are genetically predisposed to applying fire to stuff and putting it in your mouth. Besides, this is a case where presentation is virtually everything. Get into the kitchen and start opening and closing cabinets while stirring things up in various pots and pans and just watch the eggs fire out of your lady's ovaries like rounds from a M240B machine gun. This is something that women find irresistibly adorable. If you actually produce something remotely edible, consider it a bonus. "But seriously, Clark", you continue to protest, "I know zero recipes". Okay, I can see where you might think that's a drawback. For that reason, I am listing a number of dishes that you should have the items for in your 'fridge and that you should be able to figure out just from the name. Simply get the items you think each dish requires, smoosh them up (together or individually) and apply some heat, along with your natural man instincts, and you should end up in the "close enough" territory.
Weiner Hash
Cheez Platter
Salad Dressing Sandwich Surprise
Coq au Vin Americano(chicken chunks in Kool Aid)
Deep Fried Gravy Nuggets
Choco-ghetti-o's
Egg Yellows

Remember, your presentation is key! Keep it classy and you're in!

"Yep, them's MY drawers tonight!"

Coming Clean

Usually we Unbelievables only lie when it absolutely calls for it. To us, the truth is paramount. Honesty is the best policy and all that malarkey. But there are those special times when a bit of creativity in the truth department is called for, and we have to tell a little fib, a porky pie or an outright whopper.

And last week, we lied to you, the people of Earth. We were less than honest about our activities in Zurich. We actually did the unthinkable and completely fabricated the whole thing.

So what were we actually doing? Well, fear not, good citizens. All shall be revealed in good time. Suffice it to say at this point in time we were doing something for the good of personkind.

It came to our attention that Zurich, where prostitution is legal, is fast becoming the 'in' place for stressed-out executives to conveniently 'have a meeting', which as we know is code for a quickie with a streetwalker.

Zurich, being one of those cities where they hate to see people inconvenienced, noted the amount of harassment that their town trollops were experiencing and kindly came up with this idea...

Yes! It's called a sex-box. The idea being that it's a safe environment for ladies of the night to take their 'dates' to, with a convenient alarm on the passenger side should things go awry. The prostitute can bail and hit the alarm, and before you can say "locked in your car", the rozzers are down on the offending john like a ton of the proverbials.

Truth is, this was our idea.

Yes, we did all the research and feasibility studies, fronted the money and were in Zurich last week to see them unveiled. So there you are. Of course, we were there to see all that other stuff we talked about - watches, chocolate, cheese, hot stewardesses - but this was the main purpose of our trip. You're welcome, world.

Now we are back and fully refreshed. And not a moment too soon, it seems - for we have another foul fiend to attend to - this young lady needs correcting and soon.

We are so on the case. Clark and Michael will keep you updated on our progress.

Ciao!

P.S. Oh, and Switzerland? Love that flag - it's a big plus.

Raising Hell-Vetica

Yes, that's right folks. This week we are in Switzerland, the most peace-loving country on the planet. Being peaceful guys ourselves, we love it here. So much so, we like to take weekend breaks up to Leavenworth, WA, which looks like an Alpine resort.

 There are lots of wonderful things here in la Suisse and we each have our favourites. Michael loves the Swiss' skill in making timepieces and has amassed an impressive collection of cool watches.

With this model "The Spaceman" he liked to sit there and talk into it like it was a communicator, saying "Houston, we have a problem" and "That's one small step for Michael, one giant leap for a kangaroo", etc.

With this one he kept making robot noises. "Shut up!" we cried. "Robots don't really keep telling people that they're robots!"

I seem to recall the day he got this one. He kept trying to impress us with the funny words he could make by typing in numbers and the showing them to us upside-down. He derived great mirth from typing "0.7734", "71077345" and of course, "5318008". We wouldn't have minded but we were in the Unbelieva-mobile on a stakeout at the time.

The downside to his love of timepieces is his similarly large collection of cuckoo clocks.

Repellent things. I can't stand them, personally, and Clark is a wee bit scared of them.

As to the things that Clark likes about Switzerland, he's got a soft spot about chocolate, in all its forms.

He's got all their LP's.

He's also a big fan of Swiss Cheese. In fact, any cheese.

Nope... we've already covered that kind of cheese.

Ain't no party like a fondue party, as Clark and Michael demonstrate here.

As for myself, there are two things I think of when I think Switzerland. The first is alpine pursuits.

Skiing with the gals...

and more skiing. With the gals.

The second is the lovely smiling air hostesses we met on Swissair.

Nope, she's not happy. Not with that man twisting her body into that pose. He doesn't even look like he's been to dental college.

More like it. This is what we mean.

Now sadly, Swissair is no more. It's been replaced by Swiss International Airlines. I hope their flight attendants are of a similar ilk.

Not bad.

More like it!

Now, I'm off to show my new Swiss Army knife to that showoff Clark. Beat this, buddy!