You're Such A Card

As Clark mentioned on Monday, we all have our own style and approach on the day of the Big V. For me, the biggest deal is the card.

Oh, it's all very well to do the fancy dinner, the jewellery, the new outfit, the brand new Audi with a big red bow on it, the breakfast in bed, the flowers, the chocolates... but if the card sucks, then you are sunk. You might as well be wearing a T-shirt with the word 'loser' printed in big fat red letters on it. In church. Without pants.

So what kind of card is right? There are many answers, but the key word to remember is puns. Girls love a good pun, and the cornier, stupider, and more ridiculous, the better. I asked the UnbelievaBabes about the best V-cards they'd ever gotten, and they provided me with a few examples (you knew there'd be examples, didn't you? I am so transparent).

Kinky.

Oh, they get worse.

There's a bit of a tone to this one.

Croak - frog - geddit?

Offensive to donkeys.

Technically not a pun, but who's being picky?

And the worst one of all...

I heard the writer of this one now works for Jay Leno. Good gig.

 Now, I hope you follow my sage advice this Valentine's Day. if you don't, you might get a card back from your loved one like this...

She's not really into you.

Be Careful Out There

Clark was right on several fronts:

• Valentine's Day is fast approaching and will be here in mere days ...
• ... thus, all of us - collectively - agreed it would be a good thing to share the wisdom we've gathered over the years. (Don't worry ... we have plenty to go around. We won't exhaust our supply here and now. There'll be plenty for next year.)
• And ... Clark's right again: The three of us have different ideas about the day and its events ... or lack thereof.

Me? I'm not here to tell you how to make your Valentine's the sweetest ever. Clark did that last post. My job is to keep you out of harm's way as the Day of Love approaches. Just a few simple, easily manageable tips to keep you safe, sane ... and alive. 

Many believe Valentine's is all about the ladies (Hello, Ladies!) and, often, that's true. But for those who may be experiencing an achy, breaky heart during the middle of February, you may want to count your blessings.

Here's the deal (because there's always a deal): The fact of the matter is if you gather a group of women - any group of women, no matter their size, shape, ethnicity, hair color, etc. - 9 times out of 10 you'll find they weave webs. Webs woven to attract and capture the unsuspecting male causing him to say and do all sorts of things he wouldn't normally say or do.

These webs? They're not always easily seen, not always so blatant and neon-colored and recognizable. Often they're subtle, difficult to detect, invisible even to the point of undetectability, regardless of the fact the male of the species may be on the lookout for them.

Males, as a general rule, are easily drawn in and seduced by the fairer sex.

Sentiments as the above are typical offerings
from men hopelessly trapped in women's intrigue.

How? How do females do this? Well ... snappy clothing, for one ... 

We might think we're being sly by wooing someone's heart, but don't be fooled:

The female in your sights has already snared you in her ruse ...

 

... and that means you've already been caught
in a Black Widow sort of way ... 

Of course, I've fast-forwarded through all the details: The wooing ... the gifts ... the happy smiles ... the gay times ... the goo-goo eye making ... those joyful feelings filled with stomach butterflies and a general sense of euphoria, ad nauseum.

I'm not trying to "doom say" here. The good news is many of you will avoid any passionate ambush of the heart. Others of you? Just face facts: You might as well cash in your chips while you still have chips to cash in.

Look: The Unbelievables are good at many things, crime fighting being at the top of the list. But, in the ways of love, there's only so much we can do, only so many warnings we can offer.

Because the heart? It's going to do what it's going to do.  And sometimes?

... sometimes that means YOUR END ... 

Happy Valentine's Day! And let's be careful out there.

(Here's hoping Jeff has a little more positivity going into the end of the week!)

It's that time of year again

Once again, we're creeping up on our favorite holiday, Valentine's Day! And as a service to our fellow men fellows (or Unbelieva-bros! No? Okay, never mind) we thought it would be nice to avail our sultry, smooth, seductive selves to them, which ultimately benefits you ladies (Hello ladies!)
I'll lead things off but the three of us have our own ideas and styles. Of course, in spite of any differences in approach that we take, all three of us are geniuses at this stuff so you don't want to miss out on what any of us have to say. Check back later in the week for help from Michael and Jeff, but for today, here are MY tips to you...



First of all, the big day is on a Friday this year. If Friday is your "boys night out", take a raincheck, fool! Whatever it is you do with your chums every week will keep!

It's a big day for her, so if she wants to take special steps to get pretty, let her!
What do you have to lose?

Rowr!

If you're out on a date, have some snappy patter prepared in case dinner goes wrong somehow. Witty repartee can go a long way in overcoming any culinary shortcomings (so to speak).

Maybe she doesn't feel like going out on the town. That's okay! She just wants to spend time with you. How sweet! Just make sure that whatever you do, you do it together.

Now That Valentine's Day Is Over ...

The Unbelievables sincerely hope you had a warm and wonderful Valentine's Day with your special someone. Because you know we're all about keeping the "day of love" on the positive side when it comes to "amour." (Hello, Ladies!) 

Good thing you perused Clark's first piece of advice in Monday's post: "Above all else, keep it classy, boys."  

Wait ... what? You didn't catch wind of that suggestion? 

Oh ... I understand. You decided Jeff was the right man for suggestion giving and you met with his line of thinking instead. I get that. (I mean, Clark can't always be the go-to guru when it comes to matters of the heart ... much as he'd always like to be that guy ...) 

Wait ... wait ... wait. You mean you didn't glean any info from either of those two ... ?!?? *rut row* 

Well you know what? We're still on your side. We're confident you didn't kick your common sense to the curb and go with something left of center or beyond outrageous. Because, we know you meant well. We know you wanted the best for your Valentine ... or at least the best you could do. And that's admirable.

But believe us when we say we've seen our share of good intentions gone sour. There's stuff out there that never should see the light of day.

And as a public service announcement, we'd like to show you a few examples we hope you didn't give into ...

If those do-it-yourself candy hearts were part of your plan?
If so, please tell us you had better captions than the above.

While there's nothing wrong with a hand-made card,
you need to be careful about ones conveying honest-to-goodness truthfulness.
They don't always translate as points in your favor.

You better not have purchased these ...

You better not have purchased this, either.

Seriously?

I think we've been over this already ...

Trust us: You'll be tired even before you chew your way through ...

Yep. As seen on TV. And that's where it should stay.

Anatomically correct jewelry is a sure way to not to get what you want ...
...if you know what we mean.

Important Tip: The meaning of your Valentine?
Make sure it isn't mistaken for something else.

Uhmmm ... no.

Again ... no.

Getting your friends to do something cute on command?
Careful what you ask for.

In the event you did give into temptation and utilize one or more of the above (or, heaven forbid, something worse), there's always next year ... 

You know ... with your new Valentine.