More Twists And Turns Than You Can Shake A Stick At

~~~moving on swiftly (we hope)~~~

The Renault stopped abruptly and Petit turned in his seat to face us, saying "So, Unbelie--", promptly falling out of his booster seat, dropping his ciggy, saying "shit" a few times, retrieving the still-burning smoke, realising the carpet was on fire, stamping it out and clambering back up into his seat, huffing and puffing to catch his breath, then finally spluttering, "So... Un... believables *cough*"

"Spit it out, you insufferable toe-rag," growled Clark, "before I defenestrate you again!"

That clearly rattled Petit and his eyes glowed with anger. Or did they? No, they didn't. It was merely the reflection of the roaring fire that was now raging on the floorboards where he had previously dropped his lit fag-end. 

We scrambled for the doors and each of us grabbed one of the TVD girls and bailed from the vehicle, gallantly rescuing them from the rapidly escalating conflagration.

"WAIT! WHAT ABOUT ME!!!" screamed the nasty toddler-like git.

"Shall we rescue him?" I asked the others.

"I suppose we have to if we want to find out what is going on," Michael replied, "although there's no immediate hurry."

"I CAN HEAR YOU!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!" wailed Petit, so we resignedly went over and opened the door.

"Wait, the door was unlocked the whole time, you tiny freak! Was that some kind of trick?" I gasped incredulously.

"Well, normally I'd say yes, Unbelieva-goons, but sadly it pains me to say that I just couldn't reach the handle. You guys just don't know what it's like to be me, you know, it's hard, it really gets me down someti--"

His pitiful speech was abruptly stopped by the van exploding (as these things are apt to do, especially in movies, which was somewhat ironic considering we were standing in what appeared to be an abandoned movie set).

"Well, that's our ride gone" said Clark.

Thus far the TVD's hadn't uttered a peep, but just at that moment one of them said, "Sorry guys..."

We heard the familiar sound of a gun being cocked and turned slowly to see the girls pointing weaponry at us.

From behind them we saw the doors of all the fake buildings opening and the familiar figures of many of our nemeses spilling from them - Sam Snow, Little Debbie, Negative Charge, The Double "D" Dames, to name a few -  all led by Tie-Po and Mac Ramey. All of them armed, and looking more than a little menacing.

What was the meaning of all this? Why were we at an old movie studio surrounded by villains? What did they want? How are we going to get home mow? How did we get out of this alive? (Because we did, you know. That's how come I'm able to write this. So there!).

Well you may ask. Fear not though, for more will be revealed on Friday!

~~~continuing on with all the continuation and stuff~~~

Overconfidence: It'll Getcha Every Time

As it turned out, the entire Teeta Von Teese Triplet conundrum, such that it was, was a bust. We didn't hear hide nor hair of them again.

No calls, no surprise visits, nothing.

 

The Klumpmaster Flash Twins and the so-called Teeta Von Deese Triplets: Nothing ever came of them in the weeks that followed ...

Knowing the Klumpmaster Flash Twins as we do, we chalked up the phone call from them - not to mention that visit from the Teeta Von Teese Triplets, if indeed and in fact that's who they were and not some fabricated monkey business concocted by the Twins for reasons unknown - as a sad attempt on their part to make us jumpy. Which simply doesn't work. (You've read about our adventures time and again; do we seem prone to jumpiness? That's what I thought you'd say ...)

Weeks passed without a hint of contact from Greta, Gerta or "the triplets." We'd put all of them out of our minds.

Then, the other night while we were kicking it in the backyard, shooting the breeze after yet another successful day's Unbelievable-ness (where have you heard THAT before?!?), there was a knock at the door. (We "heard" it from the backyard because of our ingenious and patented infra-red, acoustic-sensitive, fail-safe Unbelievable front door monitor™.)

"Kip!" Clark yelled. "Make yourself useful for a change and get that!"

Minutes passed by while we continued our kick backery. "Whatever happened to Kip?" Jeff asked casually.

Just then, he appeared in a doorway. He stood there, looking at the three of us.

"Well? Who was at the door?" I asked.

Then? He keeled over, face first, in a spectacular face plant right onto the grass.

All three of us jumped up and ran over to him ...

... and that's when everything happened.

As we leaned over Kip trying to determine what had happened to him, I was accosted from behind. I caught a hint of perfume as what I assumed was a gunny-sack was tossed over my head. Just as quickly some type of restraint wrapped around me to prevent fighting back and my nose and mouth were smothered with something that forced me to breathe in a noxious, debilitating gas, replacing the perfumey scent I'd detected a moment before.

This very well could have been our fate that evening ...

... but we were bagged and gassed ... so we hadn't a clue at the time ...

The last I remember as I slipped into unconsciousness was muffled grunts from Jeff and Clark. I could only assume they were experiencing my same fate ...

~~~ to be continued ~~~

Ladies? Maybe. Mysterious? Definitely!

The voice had a familiar-yet-ethereally alien quality to it. That's because it wasn't one voice, it was two! Blended in such perfect pitch and harmony as to seem like the vocal intonations of a single individual. But no. It was the twin vociferations of none other than...

THE KLUMPMASTER FLASH TWINS!

Dunh-dun-DUUUUNNNHHH!!!

That's right, Greta and Gerta, two of our deadliest foes had given us a ringy-dingy. But for what possible nefarious purpose? We hit the ol' redial, put the call on video mode and this is what came up:

Gyah!

We batted the receiver around like a hot potato, which eventually landed in Jeff's hands.
"Oh. Hi. My, you two look...matronly", he said.
"Mature!", Michael blurted. "He meant you both look really mature."
I said, "When did you turn into a pair of old broads?" and Jeff and Michael both cuffed me upside the head. "I mean, what do you want?", I said recovering as gracefully as possible.

One of them cleared her throat and said, "Yes, well, um, we are semi-retired from activities that expand beyond what might be considered traditionally 'legal'." "But we are proud of our legacy as the femme fatales who posed the greatest threat to the vaunted Unbelievables", the other one said, creepily completing her sister's sentence.
"And we don't want that legacy tainted in any way..."
"...by carpetbagging interlopers.
"Specifically, the girls you saw tonight..."
"...the Tita Von Deese Triplets."

L to R: names as yet unknown

"For starters, there are three of them..."
"...while we were able to vex you with only the two of us..."
"...which seems inherently unfair."
"Also, they're ugly."
Michael said, "Not sure we agree with all of what you said..."
Jeff interjected, "Or any of it."
And I finished with, "But what's their plan?"
One or the other or both replied, "Oh, we don't know. We're only aware of their existence and that they have designs on taking the three of you out of the picture, something we were never able to do. Yet. We want them off our turf, namely the turf that is you."
With that, they hung up. So we don't know what manner of mischief these three have planned, but it would appear we have a new threat to be mindful of, a threat that will probably make themselves known in the near future!

Unexpected Gifts

With another Valentine's Day firmly behind us, not long ago we thought it would be a good idea to "spread the love" in the form of a little "gift" to our enemies.

No ... we're not crazy. We're quite certain all of you are familiar with the saying "Keep your  friends close and your enemies closer." Well, there's that ... and more. When you're a non-government affiliated, multi-jurisdictional, not-for-profit crime and injustice fighting organization, you learn to work a few angles to keep tabs on the bad guys who wish you nothing but ill will.

We put the word out: Anyone interested in a little one-on-one time with us was welcome to enter into a random drawing. Three "winners" would get to ask a dozen questions of each of The Unbelievables. No holds barred. 

But there was a wrinkle: The questions could only be formulated such that the answers came as either "yes" or "no" responses.

Now, while that might seem limiting, you can gain quite a bit of information if you craft your questions intelligently. Regardless, we figured our counterparts would jump at the chance to grill us, the rules of the game notwithstanding.

Of course once the campaign was initiated, Kip The Mail Boy wasn't pleased with all the incoming mail. Hundreds of entries were received in the hope of being one of the lucky ones. But he hunkered through it well enough.

Once all the entries were in, winners were chosen at random by each of us. Individually, we dipped our hand into a big bag and, one by one, we pulled out the name of a counterpart.

Me? I got The Klumpmasterflash Twins.

Yeah ... The Twins look good ...

... but they're about as sharp as a bag of hammers.
Jeff pulled his next. And Clark? Well ... is there any doubt who Clark pulled out of the hat? (You'll just have to hold tight until those two post to see who they came up with. Though, you can guess Clark's pick. Or ... maybe not.)

I rang up The Twins and a meeting date was arranged.

"Well ... hello ladies," I greeted them as they were escorted into our lavishly appointed parlor/sitting room at the Unbelieva-Base a week or so later.

They sat down opposite me and forewent any pleasantries. "Just yes or no questions, right?" Greta asked.

"Correct" I responded.

Alternatively between the two - as if they had rehearsed the scenario a million times previously - the questions came in rapid staccato fire:

"Where do you keep your arsenal stash?" Gerta.

"Who supplies you?" Greta again.

"How do you keep tabs on us?" Gerta followed up.

"Ladies, ladies, ladies ..." I interrupted "... yes or no questions only, please."

The twins traded glances with each other then looked back at me. I still saw stars when I looked their way, my previous giddy, head-over-heeledness with them long ago still fresh in my mind. They repositioned themselves in their seats and continued the grilling.

Greta: "How does one become an Unbelieva-Babe?"

Gerta: "Who is this 'Kip' person we're always hearing about?"

Greta: "Why aren't you wearing pants?!?"

This went on for another few questions before they finally figured it out ... and on the final question no less:

"We haven't asked all our dozen questions yet, have we?" Gerta queried.

"Actually, yes you have" I stated matter of factly and stood up. "Thank you for coming, ladies. You're time - and your questions - are up."

I escorted the two of them to the door and blew air kisses at both while thanking them for coming. They were flabbergasted.

Indicative of The Twins, some criminals just never learn. Jeff and Clark will clue you in to what I mean ...

Follow your dreams, hoping they lead you far from here

Oh man, the Dingleheimerwiesen brothers. Better known around here sometimes as "(Sigh) there they are again.". It started out when they were kids and they'd follow us around, asking for autographs and photos. Sure, it's flattering and their hearts have always been in the right place but it can be downright awkward trying to explain to other law enforcement officials why you have fans hanging out at a crime scene.

This meant that as much as we appreciate them, we've had to show some "tough love" and keep our distance at times. You know, just to teach them to respect boundaries. As many young people will do, they went through a rebellious phase for the purpose of seeking atention...

A real lowpoint: that semester at community college when they dated the Klumpmasterflash Twins

But we never stopped supporting them when it mattered the most and as you can see, they picked up on what was really important to us and came out just fine. We're so proud of them!

Deep down, we love these guys!

Once Again, There's Potential Evil In Them There Sweets

A lot - and I mean a lot - can happen in just a couple days.

Jeff intimated about more doings with Twinkies and Company and what's come before. I can let you in on a couple "hints" of what's to come. Nothing concrete, but you'll have no doubt big doings are in the works.

Remember Clark's big reveal concerning incendiaries and other things that go boom on those boxes of Suzy Q's, Ho Ho's and Donettes? Well ... that's sort of the same situation here: The Powers That Be over there at the newly reconstructed company are attempting to inject monkey business into the soft cream filling of those sponge cakes once more.

And that's just not going to fly. What's failed before will fail again. The bad guys ... they just don't learn. They think they can just let a bad idea alone until it fades from memory and then << POW! >> they resurrect it for their evil intentions thinking no one will notice.

News Flash: The Unbelievables don't forget.

Wait for it. It's coming.

Meanwhile, I have to go clean up after Jeff. Yesterday was Tuesday ... and you know what that means.

Whipped potato day.

We really need to teach him to tone down the gluttony and utilize a little tuber restraint ...

 Evil. Times two ...

Update: Wait ... what? What happened with The Klumpmasterflash Twins, you squawked about last week Michael?

Things don't always work the way you'd think in The Unbelievables' world. Wrenches get thrown into the machine ... complications arise. All I can say is be patient. All will be revealed ... soon ...

(Klumpmaster) Flashes In The Pan

How?

How could I have fallen so hard for the wiles of the Klumpmasterflash Twins?

Because the fact of the matter is that I did. (That Jeff ... he *had* to bring them up ...)

It's not like I turn my head at every Bombshell, Nicolette and Mary who walks past. ("Hello, Ladies!") But ... The Klumpmasterflash Twins were something special. Interesting. Exciting. Intriguing. And damned dangerous.

I mean ... look at those do's and tell me you aren't affected by their attractiveness? After all, The Unbelievables - stylish gents that we are - have an eye for the couture, you know.

Greta and Gerta tripped my trigger something fierce, though. As a young lad, I was taken by their devil-may-care style and forceful wills ... and there were two of them! More to mingle with ... !!! Yet they were instrumental in molding me into the Unbelievable I am today ... all because of their overpowering devious natures.

In those heady days of youth, you have the tendency sometimes to make grave mistakes, poor decisions, unwise turns in life's forks in the road. And I almost went down a path leading straight into Klumpmasterflash Batongaville.

Want all the sordid details? Tune in tomorrow. It turns out there are a few confidential files regarding The Twins which need to be declassified properly prior to being revealed here ...