Hoosegow Time

*ring, ring*

The phone rang. I was the only one home at the Unbelieva-Base that morning.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Michael," it was Jeff. "Meet me at the Stiletto Flats police station. We've got to bail Clark out of the can. I'll explain everything when you get here."

And here I thought the day was going to be on the boring side ...

I was at the station 20 minutes later. Jeff had already started the paperwork and before I took off to meet him I'd given a call to Chung S. Poon, our crackerjack attorney at law. I bumped into several police officers I knew on the way in and we exchanged pleasantries. (The Unbelievables are on excellent terms with Stiletto Flats' men in blue.) I was directed to a side office down the hall from the station's main entrance. Jeff was sitting at a table.

"What happened?" I asked him. "Is Clark okay?"

"Yeah ... seems that little bugger Petite has been up to no good. He hung Clark on trumped up charges of aggravated assault if you can believe it. The police said they had no choice but to run him in. I was at least able to pull a favor so we could spring him in short order. He'll be out in a few ..."

"'Aggravated assault?' That's bodily injury with a deadly weapon. All Clark's ever done was lift the little twit up by the scruff of his neck and toss him through a window. Granted, he's done it over and over and over again but it's all been in the spirit of necessity. Clark's never used a weapon against him ..."

Jeff agreed. "Exactly. So I don't know where these charges are coming from ..."

With bail set and the particulars completed, Clark came out and we headed for Poon's offices.

"Seems serious this time," our buddy Chung confessed while reviewing everything. The police department had forwarded the charges to him and he'd looked them over before we got there. "Apparently Petite has documented your abuses against him over the course of the last year. That's how the police were able to arrest you. He's going to use them to make his case in court," we were informed.

"That weasely little bastard" Clark mumbled. "He's worked some pretty lowdown tactics before but this one's his lowest yet. How did he record any of that? You know, it doesn't matter. Every single thing he crops up with I can justify." Jeff and I exchanged looks. We knew when it came to Petite Clark had a hot head.

Poon put down the paperwork he was looking at. "Clark, let me ask you something. Have you ever told Petite 'Enjoy your window shopping' after kicking him through paned glass?"

"Probably," Clark responded.

"Ever told Petite 'There's nothing like fall in New York' while tossing him off a skyscraper?"

"I might have ..."

"Well those are just a few of the things Petite has listed as background fodder for these charges. We'll find out soon enough. Your court date is Monday. I got them to expedite this whole affair so we can run with it pronto. Once I go over everything in this paperwork thoroughly I'll give you a call and we'll discuss the details. Meanwhile? Don't do anything. Relax and stay away from Petite."

Little did we know this wasn't going to be the cut a dried situation we thought. Petite had some real corkers up his little sleeves ...

The Adaptables

One group who wanted to join up with us and fight crime actually turned to the other side when we rejected their letter. Their logic being "we went to the trouble of coming up with outfits; we have to SOMETHING with them". They became...

THE ADAPTABLES

Pictured L to R: Captain Toilet, Squeegee Man, The Green Douche, "This is not a joke! "Do you guys think this is a joke? It's not a joke!" Man, The Backgrounder, The Other Green Douche and Mr. Plugs Things In

"Wait, a team of super criminals?!? How come you guys don't battle them??" Well, the truth is that while their feelings were hurt when we turned them down, they're really not into being actual criminals. They would turn right back into good guys with the slightest invitation. In the meantime, they're out there committing their "crime wave" until someone makes that offer. Here are three documented instances, all of which we ignored for obvious reasons.

1) Dine and Dastardly Dash - The seven of them went out for late night breakfast at Denny's. After devouring platters full of omelettes, pancakes and Moons Over My Hammys, they all charged out of the restaurant before anyone could stop them... after leaving a $100 bill on the table. "They left me almost 30%!", said astonished server Annabel Davis.

2) Pay and Away - Very similar to the previous caper, they pulled their AdaptableMobile into a Circle K, went inside and paid $50 to fill it up... and then drove away without pumping any gas.

The AdaptableMobile: How they get seven guys into that thing is the real mystery.

3) Deck the Hells - One December evening they snuck onto the property of Mr. and Mrs. James Myrtle, an elderly couple in Weezer, Ohio. They set about tampering with the Myrtle's home and property. Mr. Myrtle heard noises and came outside just as they were finishing up. They saw him and took off running. Mr. Myrtle turned on the lights to see his house and trees festooned with Christmas lights and ornaments. One of the Green Douches could be heard cackling "Peace and Good Will To All!" as they scampered off into the darkness.

So yeah, we just leave them alone and let them do their thing. We wish them nothing but good luck in their quest to be heroes, but we're just not hiring right now.

Automatic Rejects

Jeff is right. The wannabee crimefighters come out of the woodwork.

And sometimes? You don't even have to read their letters. All you need do is take a quick gander at their provided photos which seem to always accompany the pleas for inclusion to The Unbelievables.

Here, see what I mean* ...

The Human Lobster Rage Fist ...

Stealth Girl ...

Buchart Butthead ...

Inventin' Jim ...

Grandpa Scowl ...

Jim "Stretchy" Pullapart ...

Drop Kick Gal ...

  "Lips" McGinty ...

The Manimal ...

NSFW Sock Monkey Girl ...

Al, Man Of A Thousand Disguises ...

This guy called himself "The Contortionist" ...

You just gotta wonder, right?  Being an Unbelievable is tough work ... especially when you have to slog through the mailbag.

Me? I'm exhausted. I'm taking a break. I have a "date" (*uh-hem*) with Laura Biding-Citizen ...

* All "names" accompanying the above photos are the actual signed signatures of the submitters. No foolin' ...

We Get (Hopeful) Letters...

Every day we get letters literally pouring through our mail chute from wannabe crimefighters wishing to join our elite band of do-gooders, despite the fact that we've never put out an A.P.B. for assistance or ever looked like we were in sufficient trouble to warrant needing a helping hand. But still they come. Here's one from today's postbag...

"Dear Unbelievables, 

I'm a girl who's super fit and strong and wants to fight crime. Can I join you? 

Love, 

Laura Biding-Citizen, Bivalve, MD

P. S. Have enclosed some pix to prove I'm not joking."

Here are the pictures...

There's certainly no doubt that you're strong, Laura. But do we need anyone else on the team? Not at the moment, sorry.

Here's another one.

"Hey fellas, 

I'm a pretty tough guy and I thought maybe you could use a little help. Enclosed is a picture of my feat of strength.

Cheers, Jim Bunny, Piperton, TN

P.S. Group hug!! High five! Etc."

Well, that's a little weird, Jim. Nice pic, though. We'll get back to you. Or not.

Here's more...

"Dear Unbelievables we are inventing new super transport special for to helping with the chasing of the naughty bad persons on the road chasing. Extra room for more than three, super speedy, you buy? Plus, extra because we like to be Unbelievings too, thank you exceeding, much thank.

Sinceres, P.Quliar. 

P.S. What P.S. is meaning to say is we like you Unbelivable. Go team! Here picture."

Ah, er.... no. And no. I think.

And lastly...

"Guys, it's me, Arnold. I have an invention that will blow your minds, it's so fantastic. An invisible bike! Can you believe how fantastic this fantastic bike is? And look how fantastic I look riding it. It's fantastic. Interested? Call me.

Regards, A.S.

P.S. Pleeeease let me join! It'd be fantastic!"

Obviously Photoshopped. Desperate is NOT pretty, Arn. No thank you very much.


Michael and Clark will have another sift through the mailbag later in the week to see what other wackos people write to us. Later, y'all!

We Know Our Limits

This guy keeps us busier than you can imagine ...

That "Deeply Disappointed" dude from Monday. What a maroon.

I mean, seriously: If you weren't convinced with the likes of Keith Richards and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson being on our list of celebrities we protect (though, as Clark noted, not our primary purpose as a crack, non-government affiliated, multi-jurisdictional, not-for-profit crime & injustice fighting organization) you had to have raised your eyebrows at the fact of our "dealings" with maintaining the health and well being of the actors who have portrayed the seminal Ian Fleming icon James Bond. (And let me tell you: Keeping an eye on Sir Sean Connery ain't no walk in the park. No sirree, Bob ...)

I think the short list (and there are plenty more we could mention) speaks for itself in response to the note "Deeply Disappointed" shot at us. So that bug's been quashed.

But ...

In the unlikely event some of you still might not be convinced we're doing the best we can (and that's pretty great!), let me wow you with not one but two little items we were approached with and, ultimately, turned down.

About a year ago, both the Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump campaigns reached out to The Unbelievables asking for our specialized services. After a brief (and I mean brief) discussion with Jeff and Clark, we three agreed those camps were by no means spectacles any of us wanted to dive into. We were impressed they contacted us for the obvious benefit and value we could provide but working with either of their bases would have been biting off more than we could chew. The reasons we declined should come across as obvious, not the least of which were the logistics of working with them. Talk about your waking nightmare.

Nope, nope and nope.
And it was never a question of picking one over the other. We flat out declined and thanked them for their considerations.

"Truth be told" Jeff told them "Sean Connery is handful enough."

And that's no lie ...

"What ... ?!?"

Our Word Is Our Bond

You read on Monday that we are tasked with keeping some celebs free from harm, and that's true. We even have the responsibility for Bond - James, that is, 007 himself. A character we can truly identify with (although none of his gadgets ever came close to gems like the Lobster Rage Fist, but that's a whole other ball of wax).

In fact, you probably weren't even aware that ALL the Bond actors are still with us, but they are.

There's Sir Sean Connery, 86, for many the ultimate Bond, the classic Bond, Bond replete. Sean may have retired from acting, but he still rocks the tartan.

That's Michael in the background. Or is it Clark? We'll never tell.

Then you have the most maligned Bond, the man who more or less conned Albert Broccoli into letting him be Bond even though he'd only been in a couple commercials. How? Bought an ex-Connery suit, borrowed a Rolex, and knocked a stunt guy out cold during the screen test. George Lazenby, 77, had some serious cojones. And even though his hair is white, he's still got the moves.

The eyes of his wax model are secret Unbelieva-cameras.

And then of course there's Sir Roger Moore, the man who can say more with the raise of an eyebrow than a dozen Kenneth Branaghs. 

89 and still cool. You should read his Twitter feed.

Not only that, but we're keeping our eyes on Dalton, Brosnan and Craig too.

We're doing the best we can... and that's pretty great!

Here's a letter we got recently...

Dear Unbelievables,
Boy, have you guys been asleep at the wheel in 2016! So many celebrities have passed away that it's impossible to list them all and you guys didn't save any of them! Why is whoever is paying you goofs to do what you do paying you goofs to not do what you're supposed to do?!?
PS: UGH!
Sincerely,
Deeply Disappointed in you Ding Dongs

Okay, calm down.
First of all, our primary purpose in life is not protecting celebrities, and certainly not all of the celebrities.
Secondly, a sad fact of life is people die. Granted, it's a depressing fact that so many beloved public figures have passed in such a short period of time but it's not like there's a global plot to assassinate them (there's isn't, and if there was we'd know about it and we wouldn't share that with you). It's just one big, weird, grim coincidence.
Thirdly, who says we haven't saved any celebrities? You're only thinking of those that are no longer with us. What about those that still are? Such as...

KEITH RICHARDS

This is the obvious one, the lowest hanging fruit on the "How are they still alive?" tree. Every year (not just this one), people remark how it must be a miracle that half of the Glimmer Twins has yet to Break On Through To The Other Side (I know that's not a Rollings Stones song and I don't care). All I can say about that is "no, it isn't" and "you're welcome".

DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON

 "Oh, come on, Unbelievables!!", you're saying. "He's relatively young and clearly a fitness and exercise fanatic. There's no challenge in keeping someone like him alive." You wouldn't say that if you knew about his frequent participation in underground naked jousting tournaments.

TUPAC

What?!? Why is this here?? Typo. Misfiled. Error. Classified. Forget you saw this. You didn't see it. Plausible deniability. move along, please. Nothing to see here.

PAULA DEEN

Forget how many people she's angered. If you think it's easy to keep someone who thinks chicken-fried butter with ranch dressing gravy is a vegetable from seizing up a couple of times a day, I'd like to see you give it a try.

SINBAD

You people keep killing him (on Wikipedia and other web sites) and we keep not letting it happen in real life.

Of course, there are more. Many more. Find out who some of them are later this week!