This Gang Is A Bunch Of Animals, Part 3

The Corvette's engine roared as it roared through the sleeping streets of Stilleto Flats like a hot red knife with four wheels and 427 cu in (7.0 l) Big-Block V8 with 390 hp (291 kW; 395 PS) cutting through a small Nevada town made of soft, creamy butter. I had to reach the Save-Or-Not and get those bananas! Jeff and Michael were depending on me. Bananas. Bananas! BANANAS!!
I slammed the car into park at the curb, jumped out without opening the door and raced into the store. On my way to the produce department, I saw something that froze me in my tracks.

"What... are those?"
"We're sampling delicious new HosenWurst® brand hot dogs tonight! Would you like to try one?"

I did. And it was delicious.

"What do you call these?"
"Well, they're just hot dogs with tooth picks in them, so you can pick them up without getting your fingers greasy."
"I've seen these before. At parties. They're extremely popular with the we-go-to-parties crowd."
"Well, yes. Usually people wrap them in bacon or there's some kind of a barbecue sauce..."
"Slow down! I want to write this recipe down!"
"The recipe? For barbecue sauce?"
"No! For just what you have here. Speak slowly and don't leave anything out!"

RECIPE FOR JUST HOT DOGS WITH TOOTH PICKS IN THEM

Ingredients: HosenWurst® brand hot dogs, tooth picks

1. Cook the HosenWurst® brand hot dogs
2. Cut the HosenWurst® brand hot dogs into bite sized-pieces
3. Stick a tooth pick into each piece
4. Serve

I picked up a package of HosenWurst® brand hot dogs and a whole box of tooth picks and headed back to the Unbelieva-base. I realized when I stepped inside and saw what a shambles the place was that I had completely forgotten about the bananas and the situation Jeff and Michael had been left in. They were sitting on the floor, back-to-back, tied to a pole. Jeff had been stripped naked and one of the apes had put a pair of trousers on Michael. Both were rendered extremely uncomfortable under these conditions. The savage beasts (Bames Jond, Mr. B, Bobo and Mr. Shifter, not my colleagues) had written the word "poop" in poop on one of the walls and had taken turns doing...things...to Charley Chimp. They also stole and damaged a whole bunch of our stuff. Jeff and Michael glared at me as I untied them and went into the kitchen to prepare the snacks. I guess they were pretty mad at me but that didn't stop them from enjoying the late-night gnosh.

Hey, chimp happens.

This Gang Is A Bunch Of Animals, Part 2

It became evident rather quickly

we weren't dealing with just a bunch of well-dressed monkeys ...

Ulf The Unbelievadog, canine operative, clued us in:

"Arf! Arf! Arffy woof woof! Hooooowwwwwwwwlllllllllll ... !!!" That's all Jeff needed to hear.

"Guys! Ulf The Unbelievadog just told me the greatest threat to the world as we know it is at hand and it's in the form of a bunch of dressed-up chimps with plans to take over the world!" Jeff panted. "It's a real live version of Planet Of The Apes! Let's thwart this thing!"

Clark and I looked at each other and then back again at Jeff. "Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes! That's intel straight from Ulf!" Jeff confirmed.

"Ulf! Ulf, boy! C'mere!" Clark called. Ulf trotted over and sat down in front of Clark. "Talk to me, boy ..."

Ulf's ears pricked up and he stood: "Arf! Arf! Arffy woof woof! Hooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwlllllllllllllllllllllllll ... !!!"

"Where'd you find this out?" Clark countered.

"Woof ... *gag* ... yelp, arf woof!" came the response.

"Huh," I puffed. "Real live chimps? That's a new one. It's a wonder no one's thought of this before. Are you sure they're not being led by anyone, Ulf? They're just chimps, all on their own, instigating and planning this overthrow?"

"Woof!" Ulf responded.

"We've got to get going!" Jeff blurted.

"Hold on ... we need a plan first," I offered. Jeff and Clark agreed.

"Clark: Run to the store and get a bushel or two of bananas. Jeff: Downstairs in the storeroom behind that old box of grenades is Charley Chimp. Grab him for me, will you? Meanwhile, I need to get out of these pants and give Ulf some water. He's parched!"

Charley Chimp: Best decoy ever

Clark headed out and we heard the 'Vette roar down the road seconds later. Jeff came back up from the storeroom with Charley.

"We'll use Charley as the usual diversionary tactic and put him in the middle of the floor at the Unbelieva-Base's laundry entrance. Surround Charley with the bananas Clark will bring back for us shortly and we have that animal horde right where we want them. Besides, I've been dying to bust out the Lobster Rage Fist!"

The Lobster Rage Fist:

Quite possibly The Unbelievables' most deadly weapon

15 minutes later after planting Charley as a diversion (and still waiting on Clark to return) we heard a commotion. We flipped on the Unbelieva-Monitors keeping an eye on the faux-laundry entrance to the Unbelieva-Base.

"Uh oh. We have a problem ..." Jeff half whispered through pursed lips.

There on the screen was Mr. B, Bames Jond, Mr. Shifter, Bobo and a couple dozen more chimp goons closing in on Charley in the middle of the entrance.

"No problem. I'll activate Charley. He'll keep those chimps busy wondering what he'll do next. But that will only last half a minute at best. Even with the best of our arsenal, it's us two against almost 30 of them. We're outnumbered 15 to 1! And with Kip The Mail Boy off today*, we need Clark desperately! What's holding him up ... ??!!?"(... to be continued Friday ...)

*In all honesty, Kip isn't much help in a tussle any time. No great loss there.

The Bad Guys? They Go Bananas Over Charley Chimp

I'm preaching to the choir when I say The Unbelievables are masters of disguise as well as unparalleled masters of all things weaponry-ish. (Sometimes? We're even masters of our own fates.)
 
And it's the furthest thing from our minds not to admit we've had plenty of help on the path toward the dashing, mannerly Stylish Gentlemen we are today.

A few "helpful" examples include (but are not limited to): Playboy Magazine's own Hugh Hefner ... the various weapons used in our exploits, including the innovative Lobster Rage Fist *shoots a glare in Jeff's general direction* ...the ultra-fabulous Unbelieva-Babes ... even The King himself, Elvis. The list goes on and on and on.

And, most recently in this very blog - as you've seen courtesy of my cohorts Jeff and Clark - the lovely Sindy and ever-ready Captain Action, respectively.

But there's one more instrumental character in our seemingly unending arsenal of readyment and gain: Charley Chimp, the cymbal-banging monkey toy.

Charley Chimp

Originally manufactured by the Japanese company Daishin C.K. in the 1950s under the moniker "Musical Jolly Chimp," Charley has been an invaluable (if little mentioned) tool in The Unbelievables' crime fighting efforts. He might not have the savoir faire of Sindy nor the flair pour l'action of the Captain, but he's been an affecting part of our team for quite some time.

His strengths are rooted in his simplicity. Flip a switch at his back and Charley begins banging his cymbals noisily. What fun! Better yet, what a distraction.

Yes ... the perfect bane of the ne'er-do-wells we come across time and again. And again. 

You see ... in the early days we really needed someone (or something) to create a diversion when necessary, a surprise element to throw the bad guys off their game. Hey, we enjoy an old fashioned "good vs. evil" tussel just as much as the next guy, but there's a lot to be said (along with the possibility of a lot less damage) in simply nabbing villains without a scuffle.

Of course there are times when a real, live body is the only thing that will do the trick. But one afternoon I came up with the brilliant idea of utilizing monkeys in place of people. (After all: Just like bacon, isn't everything better with monkeys?) Being cute, intelligent, trainable and useful to a fault, Clark was on board right away ... but Jeff was on the fence. (I think he might have been a bit jealous, truth be told.) Following my suggestion, Jeff came in the very next day wearing his version of a diversionary tactic incorporating monkeys:

Monkey Bra: Good for raucous tiki parties ... not so good for crime fighting ...

Much to his chagrin, Jeff was shot down immediately. Wearing one of those only put a person in danger ... and it wasn't much of a diversion.   

Naturally, there was need for a little Research and Development if we were going to utilize monkeys to their full potential. Live animals were brought in and trained; for the most part they worked out rather well. But the cost of maintenance, foodstuffs, et al got a little pricey.

Enter Charley Chimp.

Set with a remote to activate the switch on Charley's backside, we were golden. The perfect foil to create that momentary hesitation we sometimes needed to throw evil doers off their game. 

It's not only the surprise of seeing Charley on one's doorstep that makes one take a mental step backward. Nor is it the annoying cymbal-clanging that gets to you, either. Charley's appearance can be quite the eye-opener, frequently raising the hair on the back of your neck. See for yourself:

Kind of cute ...

 RATHER FRIGHTENING ... !!!

Not the most attractive of mugs ... wouldn't you agree? It's plain to see how a bad guy would cringe at the mere glimpse Charley's hideous visage. And sometimes that's all we need to commandeer the upperhand in a given situation.

And ... those eyes. The eyes can really get to you, if you know what I mean:

Charley's eyes bulge on command, creating a rather disturbing appearance that would cause anyone to stop dead in their tracks. So you can see how Charley makes a terrific companion in our fight against injustice.

Plus, there's one more little trick up our sleeves we use to keep things in line. The "Charley Token," a simple carved Charley image to remind hooligans and delinquents we've been in their neck of the woods, so they better mind their Ps and Qs:

Yeah ... that's rather daunting as well. You can plainly see how members of the "We Don't Have The Best Intentions Where Your Welfare Is Concerned" set would be freaked out by this.

See? He's ready at a moment's notice

Charley Chimp. He's quite the useful means to throw a wrench in the bad guy machine ... and the perfect compliment to both Sindy and Captain Action.