The Diabolical Pumpkin Spice

It was the 1st of October. The phone rang.

*ring, ring ... ring, ring*

Clark answered it.

"That's right ... you've reached The Unbelievables."

I don't know where Jeff was. I was cleaning up after our little Friday night escapade - the three of us had a grand old time doing tequila lime jello shots and beer while playing Hand & Foot. Left over beer cans and a mess of cards were still strewn across the table. I only caught the last part of Clark's conversation on this end of the phone: "... yeah ... we're here. I just need to round up Jeff then you can call back ..."

Curious, I stopped cleaning and went into the other room. "What's up?" I asked.

"Where's Jeff? Some guy is going to call back and he wants us all to be present so he can run his spiel ..." I got Jeff.

We were all sipping coffee when the phone rang once again. Clark answered once more, then engaged the speakerphone. "Hokay ... what's up buddy?"

This is the image of Pumpkin Spice

that came up on our Unbelieva-phone when he called ...

"The world famous Unbelievables! Greetings, Suave Ones. I am The Diabolical Pumpkin Spice, the silent sixth member of The Spice Girls turned evil and diabolical! And I'm here to wreck havoc nation-wide on the public's obsession with my namesake, that delectable tang pumpkin spice! As proof I have already irradicated it from your local Stiletto Flats Starbucks coffee shop and I intend to spread outward from there, blanketing the entire free world in pumpkin spicelessness! Insert evil laugh: *mwuh-haa-haaah ... MWUH-HAAAAAA-HAAAAAAH ... MWUH-HAAAAAA-HAAAAAA-HAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ... !!!"

Jeff waited until the evil laughter had died down then began asking questions.

"You're the silent sixth member of The Spice Girls? We've never head of you before ...":

"That's because I'm the silent member! Were you not listening?!?"

"... and ... your voice is clearly masculine, in complete contradiction to who The Spice Girls are ..."

I don't see a Pumpkin Spice. Do you see a Pumpkin Spice?!?
"That's of little consequence!" Pumpkin Spice declared harshly. "You three have bigger things to worry about than me! Already the public outcry rises in the streets ... and soon the lamentation of the people shall be heard throughout the land when pumpkin spice is gone! Gone! No more pumpkin bread! No more pumpkin lattes! Pumpkin chocolate chip cookies will be but a memory! Pumpkin pie ... kaput! Gone forever, to be enjoyed never more ... !!!" He hung up.

"What a loon!" Clark cried.

"Certifiable!" Jeff joined in.

I wasn't so certain.

I called the Stiletto Flats Starbucks. Sure enough, there wasn't an ounce of pumpkin spice to be found in the store.

"You know ... this dude may be on to something" I offered. "America's infatuation with pumpkin spice is pretty well known. Maybe we should let this guy have at it and see what happens ..."

Clark and Jeff looked at me as if my hair was on fire.

"What? No ... really. Think about it: That crap's like legal crack for a lot of folks. I mean ... I like pumpkin right alongside most folks but I'm not a freak about the stuff. Forcing them to go cold turkey might wake them the hell up and put them on the right thinking track for a change. And *snort* the dude's going to vanquish the flavor completely? Come on ... that would be a neat trick. Personally, I think he's a harmless wack-job. Still, this might be just the wake up call The Pumpkin Brigade (or whatever they call themselves) needs to get their lives in order and realize the world is about more than the desire for their favorite fall beverage ..."

"But ... pumpkin pie ..." Clark said, a little too sadly. And he might have been right about at least that.

"Let's just cautiously approach this and see what shakes out" I tried to reason. "How bad could it turn out to be?"

How bad indeed?

For the fluffy (and/or scaly, what have you) ones

My pet project is a project for pets.
Namely, animals in shelters becoming my pets.
Basically, I want to adopt all the animals in all of the shelters. All of them!

It's OPERATION: ADOPT ALL THE ANIMALS IN SHELTERS

Or "OAATAIS" for short, although I realize that's hard to pronounce.

Here's what's going to happen:
My team and I will go to all the animal shelters and adopt every dog, cat, fluffy bunny, gerbil, snake and platypus there. Then we would transport them to my giant farm, which will be called "Camp Frolic", here in Nevada where they will be fed good food and allowed to play and romp and whatever they want all day, every day, for the rest of their days, with zero possibility of human beings mistreating them.

THE BEST!

THE WORST!

I realize this is ambitious in scope, but I have a plan.

• PHASE ONE: Get money (win lotteries, make friends with old rich people, ask the internet, work, etc.)
• PHASE TWO: Acquire real estate.
• PHASE THREE: Build ginormous compound with a dining facility, medical clinic, air conditioned kennels, heated swimming pools and open fields.
• PHASE FOUR: Go get the animals!
• PHASE FIVE: Post "KEEP OUT, HUMANS!" signs all over the place.

Seriously, the WORST!

I don't have a timetable; I suspect some of these things are going to be easier to do than others. But watch for a crowdsourcing plea at some point.

I Like Pipes

That Jeff! You gotta love'em!

Me? I'm the lone dissenter here. (Probably.) I simply don't think I have the wherewithal to put together a cookbook worthy of anyone's time or reading. (But I will tell you this: Jeff's delicious concoctions are first rate, regardless of the fact they're mostly potato dishes.)

My vanity project? Well ... that was my pipe project I put together quite a few years back.

The Department of Transportation was revamping a couple mile stretch of road in a sleepy little Southern California town (San Gabriel to be exact) and they had dug up a hefty bit of old sewage pipe from days gone by. The leaky stuff had worn out its usefulness and it was time to update.
 
I saw an opportunity. I grabbed my camera and got shooting.

The result? I have hundreds of photographs I plan on publishing in the near future, each one to be lovingly accompanied with captions. (I'd rather not reveal the captions here; I want that to be a surprise once the book is published.)

However, I'm happy to show you my efforts from walking up and down the street, crawling under and over and through metal piping, a little glimpse of what to expect. It's exciting stuff!

If this isn't a vanity project, I don't know what is!

You might wonder: What does this have to do with The Unbelievables?

NOTHING! These are our vanity projects. We have lives outside our crime-fighting do-goodery, you know! And this one, mine, is coming soon to a bookstore near you.

And ... I know! Hello! I'm champing at the bit to discover what Clark has in store for us Friday ... !!!

A Project Close To My Heart and Stomach

I'm sure if you haven't been living under a very large rock for the last few years you'll have noticed that people are very into diets. Every few weeks a new diet comes up that promises either boundless energy or rapid weight loss or both. Celebrities are very keen to slap their name on these fad diets, too.

There's Tom Hanks' No-Sugar diet, Harry Styles' Bulletproof diet, Elle McPherson's Super Elixir Diet and the ridiculous and disgusting "Kale and chewing gum" diet followed by Jake Gyllenhaal. Good grief!

Add to that the paleo diet, gluten-free, vegetarian, vegan, fruitarian, etc. etc.,  it's all so confusing! Especially when you're hungry. I mean, who has time to figure out fat content and E-numbers when we need breakfast!?

So that's why I thought - why not cut through all the muddle and bring out my own diet - purely for altruistic purposes, you understand, and not to make a fast buck - and just to keep things simple, call it "Jeff's Unbelievable Whipped Potato Diet"! It'll soon be available in a handsome leather-bound set of ten volumes, a bargain at a mere $99.97 or twenty payments of $6.23 + sales tax.

Here are a few highlights.

The classic Whipped Potatoes with Roasted Garlic.

Potato Mounds for that rare occasion when there are leftovers.

Potato Pancakes...

Potato burgers...

Potato muffins...

Another classic, potato croquettes...

Mashed potato soup...

and you can even make a healthy potato smoothie served in a hollowed-out spud.

Now, just in case you were thinking, "Is it all potatoes, then?" let me put your mind at ease. No, it's not all potatoes. That would be silly!

No, there's a section in the back of the book titled Entertaining Unbelievable Style where I've plundered some of my favourite recipes from the true era of dinner parties, the 1970s. Examples? So glad you asked.

Cheez Whiz - an essential kitchen item.

Appetizing, no?

Velveeta adds fun to anything.

Need I say more?

Your guests will flock to the table.

Bananas are, I believe, a much underused kitchen ingredient.

So to clarify, it is mostly potatoes, with some unhealthy processed and deep-fried treats thrown in for good measure.


Michael and Clark have their own vanity projects they'd like to tell you about later in the week.

TVOD

Despite the obvious shoddiness and overall uninspired scripts we've seen, replete with sad, poor imitations of our snappy selves in gutterball roles, there were one or two we found amusing. If only the production companies would have come forward and asked us for help or permission or even a piece of the action for the use of our likenesses, we might have given our blessing. (Doubtful but ... you know ...)

Alternatively we found it necessary to sic our legal representation after them, The Law Offices of Poon, headed by our go-to buddy and confidant Chung S. Poon, advisor extraordinaire.

Our pal, Chung S. Poon

(To date, and because of Mr. Poon's legal wrangling, we've seized the ideas for those few that have potential. Developed properly, they could see the light of day ... but under our watchful eyes only.)

Clark said it Monday: Television had a very specific cycle back in the day. Now? Not so much. But put a couple spiffy ideas out there featuring The Unbelievables - not recycled, reconstituted drivel but thoughtful, interesting, engaging sitcoms or dramas or the like - and television could be brought back to its glory days of old.

Instead? Well ... you've seen some of the examples earlier this week. To wrap up the week, I'm offering a couple more which necessitated cease and desist letters. A few even went so far as to interest a couple prominent production studios which, in turn, ordered pilots. (Don't ask which ones. Let your mind go wild.)

"Frank" ... ??? Who's Frank?

Uhmmm ... no.

The bi-line on this one?

"And how to get around those pesky child labor laws."

Wow.

The original title on this one was

"Look! Up In The Sky! Stargazing with 3 Guys Somewhere in Nevada"

Guess they wanted to go with the more straightforward title ...

This one was supposed to be a one hour after-school special one-shot.

Almost makes you want to give up television all together ... doesn't it?

Still ... that Unbelievababes one Jeff mentioned doesn't sound too shabby ...