Suitable for action

We pride ourselves on our detective skills, the ability to solve a crime with our brains and not our brawns. But at our core, we are men of action and sometimes (not always), action refers to the process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim. In other words, sometimes we have to let our fists and feet do the thinking. And that's when we put on our Unbelievasuits!

We never wear the one on the far right after Labor Day

They're ideal for...

• Karate fighting
• Underwater operations
• Judo fighting
• High altitudes
• Kung Fu fighting
• Spelunking
• Jiu-jitsu fighting
• High-speed car chases
• Fighting

They're constructed from high-tech, moisture-seeking-yet-resistant micro fibers that keep us at an optimal body temperature at all times.

Prototypical application of this technology

There's even a stealth component...

Pictured (L to R): Jeff, Michael, me

And my personal favorite feature, decoy mode. This allows them to take on the appearance of regular civilian-style clothing so we can blend in with the populace...

Me and Michael, questioning a "person of interest" as Jeff keeps a watchful eye

I've only scratched the surface in terms of the capabilities of these incredible garments. Jeff and Michael will have more info for you later this week!

Halloween - Saved! (You're Welcome)

I have to confess, I did find the sight of AppleBob Appleby, the world's first and only frozen vegetables farmer, a little disturbing initially. I mean, wouldn't you?

She's definitely disturbed.

But upon closer inspection, I realised this guy was just some dude with a pumpkin on his head, some googly eyes and a wild fake 'stache. 

"Your wicked plan isn't gonna work, AppleBob!" I yelled.

"Please, not in mah ear!" he replied, just as it hit me that I was standing only six inches from his face. "That smarts sumpn' fierce!"

"Guys, listen, there's no way his plan will work becuzzawuzzawspwspwspppp.." I whispered to the others. They nodded in agreement, leaning in.

"Hey! I can't hear! Why won't my plan work, Unbelievatwits!?"

Even though we don't generally respond well to insults, we continued with our little charade, making AppleBob all the more mad.

"What I think we ought to do is to wizzawsspwspwssssp..." The others nodded and made approving noises. "Mmm, yes, yes. Oh, mm, definitely."

"Hey! No fair!" screamed AppleBob, like a petulant child. "Tell me! TELL ME!!!!"

"Guys, shall we tell him?" I said to Clark and Michael.

"Well, I dunno", said Clark, "He didn't say please." 

"No polite pleasies, no findy-outsies." agreed Michael.

AppleBob fidgeted and hemmed and hawed, until finally we heard a very quiet "Okay.... please."

"Can't hear you!" said Clark.

"I said, please tell me." 

"That's better, " I said. "Your plan will not work because children around the world will actually eat frozen veggies! Many of them do already. And here's the rub - they like them. They actually do not turn their nose up at ice-cold veg. Some kids actually go out of their way to eat frozen corn and the like, straight out of the pack. By removing sweeties from the shop counters of the world, you've actually done the whole world a favour."

"You're putt'n me on."

"No, sir. Kids love veggies and fruit."

"Prove it."

"OK... don't say we didn't warn you."

We then proceeded to show AppleBob a series of photos. THIS series of photos.

At each picture, AppleBob visibly winced, until the last picture (above), when his jaw dropped open (at least, we think it did - he still had the pumpkin on his head so it was impossible to tell, but he was speechless anyways).

"Is that... popsicle...a...a.."

"A frozen sweet potato on a stick, yes."

"Damn. Damn, damn, damn it all to hell and back and three times round the parking lot."

"So whaddya say, Bob? How bout you just replace all that candy?"

Bob was stunned. Now that he saw that his idea was going to have no effect on the morale of kids worldwide, he relented.

"So that's it, is it?" said Clark, somewhat disappointed. "He puts it all back and everyone just goes on their merry way without a how'd-you-do or a by-your-leave?" (It should be pointed out at this moment that Clark was going through a phase of affecting an English accent, dropping English phrases in here and there and doing a terrible job of it most of the time).

"I see what you mean, Clark," I offered. "I have an idea. You are aware, gentlemen, that this man's name sounds an awful lot like a party game that is extremely popular with the young'uns this time of year?"

Michael and Clark both nodded.

"What say we get some kiddiwinkies over here to play Apple Bobbing with AppleBob? Only we'll be bobbing him up and down in a large tank of water, pelting him with crabapples and generally torturing the man in an apple-themed way for fun and japes?"

Clark perked up. "Righto, jolly old chop-chop! I'm on it like a car bonnet, squire!" and off he went to round up some kids and various instruments of apple-themed torture.

Oh, the fun we had that afternoon. Apples here, there and everywhere. AppleBob took his lumps - in the stocks, the dunk tank, the Ferris Wheel of Doom (not sure where Clark found that), being held underwater for an extended period of time - until one by one everyone grew tired and toddled off home.

The candy was returned, AppleBob retired from villainy and now runs a B&B in Upstate New York.

So folks, Halloween was saved yet again by your own, your very own, Unbelievables. You are entirely welcome, world.

P.S. It transpired that AppleBob was not a frozen vegetable farmer at all, because when we investigated his "warehouse", all we found was seventeen chest freezers full of bags of Birds Eye  brand vegetables. Turns out there'd been a sale at Kroger.

Halloween ... Ruined? (part 2)

Before we could even launch an investigation, the perpetrator of this heinous act revealed himself to us (the inflated egos of these self-proclaimed "super villains" being such that they don't have the patience for a proper investigation to play out, which often results in their eventual and inevitable downfall). At the crime scene, a bizarre figure with googly eyes and unfortunate facial hair in farm attire suddenly appeared. "Don't bother with none o' yer fancy full-fledged investigations, Unbelievadorks", he said, repeating what I basically laid out in parentheses two sentences ago, adding a hurtful play on our moniker to it. "I am the one what done it and my name is AppleBob Appleby, the world's first and only frozen vegetables farmer!"

"You mean a farmer who grows vegetables that are later frozen and sold at grocery stores? I have bad news for you; lots of farmers already do that", Jeff said. "Oh!" Michael said. "That's funny; I took it as 'frozen, comma, vegetable farmer'." "Now, would that be an Oxford comma? Because I'm still unclear on the proper usage", I asked. "No", Jeff answered. "The 'Oxford comma' is an optional comma before the word 'and' at the end of a list." "HEY!", AppleBob interrupted. "I ain't no frozen farmer! I got an ice farm, the only one in the world, which allows me to grow the vegetables pre-frozen and pass along the savings to the grocery stores ... but don't worry about none o' that, 'cause I reckon I'm yer worst rural nightmare!! Also, the 'Oxford comma' is superfluous, redundant, and introduces ambiguity. Why, any consarned fool with sense enough to pour water out of a dang boot knows that!"

A nightmare, problem, and dilemma.

"I presume you also grow apples then?", asked Michael. "No. Why would you think that?, AppleBob answered, looking rather confused. "Because your name is ... never mind! Why did you steal all the candy, you fiend?", I asked. "Ain't it obvious? Frozen vegetable sales are way down. So's if there's no candy to hand out fer all the trickin' and treatin', what are folks gonna hand out? Huh? Huh??" We all looked at each other before Jeff said, "you don't honestly think the answer is frozen vegetables, do you?" "Yeah, seriously", Michael said. "That's a huge, illogical leap on your part. There are about a million things that would come after candy and before frozen vegetables as treats." I chimed in with, "I'd rather receive school supplies than a block of cryogenic asparagus." Jeff and Michael nodded in agreement before adding their own suggestions which included coins, socks and personal hygiene items among others. "SHUT UP!", AppleBob yelled. "The candy is gone and I'm gonna be a billionaire 'cause I love money and I hate children! My hench-thugs The Do Gooder Gang will launch a PR campaign, touting the healthy benefits of frozen vegetables...

"Hi parents of kids! We're non-threateningly multi-ethnic and full of good advice!"

... and in the unlikely event that they fail, I got back-up in the form of muscle-for-hire Skip "Scythe" Skynard!

"How do, soon-to-be-ineligible-to-wear-a-hat person?"

So looks like it's your move, Underwearables [note from Clark: we hadn't heard that one before]. What are you gonna do 'bout it?"

Jeff will answer that question for you on Friday!

Halloween ... Ruined?

There was panic in the streets.

Literally.

People were coming out the local grocer's sobbing ... short of breath ... pulling their hair out. Kids were crying out loud, wailing while their mothers shuttled them back into their vehicles. Men were raising their voices at other men, willing to return same right back at the ones who were yelling at them. Store employees walked around, befuddled and uncomprehending.

I walked into the store, hearing all the hubbub around me and asked one of the store cashier's what the matter was.

"The candy ... it's gone. All of it. There's nothing left. No one can buy any candy for Halloween to give out to kids or take to parties. Everyone is dealing with the situation badly as you can see."

"Huh. Well ... can't you guys just order more? And I hate to step on the store's toes but ... can't they go somewhere else to get candy if you don't have any?"

"You don't understand ..." the cashier explained to me. "There's no candy to be found anywhere. None in the town, nothing in the county, not a lollipop or bar or Gummi Worm in the entire state! Nevada is barren of any sweet treats! Snickers ... gone! M&Ms ... vanished! Butterfingers ... lifted! Twix ... no more! California ... Arizona ... Utah! No candy anywhere! And this thing looks to be an epidemic coast to coast! How is that even possible? Who would do such a thing?!?"

I'd casually gone to the store on a Sunday afternoon for a gallon of milk and a few sundry items and I left without spending a dime. But what I took back with me to the Unbelieva-Base, while unpurchasable, was indeed heavy.

I returned to find Clark and Jeff awaiting me with the same news I'd already discovered first hand. Apparently, the local authorities, various businesses and concerned private citizens everywhere had already been in contact with The Unbelievables asking if there was anything we could possibly do.

I looked at Clark and Jeff, they looked at each other, then looked back at me. I took off my pants so I could think better.

"Gentlemen? Let's get to work ..." I said.

Is all the candy really gone?

Is Halloween ruined?

What kind of devious trick is this?

Tune in Wednesday ... 

 

UnbelievaTees II | TeeChip

UnbelievaTees II | TeeChip





With the gift-giving season almost upon us, it might be worth your while to hie your hiney on over to the above link and avail yourself of these full colour two-sided shirts which will make your friends and family gasp with glee and be forever your pal. They may even give you some chocolate.

This Gang Is A Bunch Of Animals, Part 3

The Corvette's engine roared as it roared through the sleeping streets of Stilleto Flats like a hot red knife with four wheels and 427 cu in (7.0 l) Big-Block V8 with 390 hp (291 kW; 395 PS) cutting through a small Nevada town made of soft, creamy butter. I had to reach the Save-Or-Not and get those bananas! Jeff and Michael were depending on me. Bananas. Bananas! BANANAS!!
I slammed the car into park at the curb, jumped out without opening the door and raced into the store. On my way to the produce department, I saw something that froze me in my tracks.

"What... are those?"
"We're sampling delicious new HosenWurst® brand hot dogs tonight! Would you like to try one?"

I did. And it was delicious.

"What do you call these?"
"Well, they're just hot dogs with tooth picks in them, so you can pick them up without getting your fingers greasy."
"I've seen these before. At parties. They're extremely popular with the we-go-to-parties crowd."
"Well, yes. Usually people wrap them in bacon or there's some kind of a barbecue sauce..."
"Slow down! I want to write this recipe down!"
"The recipe? For barbecue sauce?"
"No! For just what you have here. Speak slowly and don't leave anything out!"

RECIPE FOR JUST HOT DOGS WITH TOOTH PICKS IN THEM

Ingredients: HosenWurst® brand hot dogs, tooth picks

1. Cook the HosenWurst® brand hot dogs
2. Cut the HosenWurst® brand hot dogs into bite sized-pieces
3. Stick a tooth pick into each piece
4. Serve

I picked up a package of HosenWurst® brand hot dogs and a whole box of tooth picks and headed back to the Unbelieva-base. I realized when I stepped inside and saw what a shambles the place was that I had completely forgotten about the bananas and the situation Jeff and Michael had been left in. They were sitting on the floor, back-to-back, tied to a pole. Jeff had been stripped naked and one of the apes had put a pair of trousers on Michael. Both were rendered extremely uncomfortable under these conditions. The savage beasts (Bames Jond, Mr. B, Bobo and Mr. Shifter, not my colleagues) had written the word "poop" in poop on one of the walls and had taken turns doing...things...to Charley Chimp. They also stole and damaged a whole bunch of our stuff. Jeff and Michael glared at me as I untied them and went into the kitchen to prepare the snacks. I guess they were pretty mad at me but that didn't stop them from enjoying the late-night gnosh.

Hey, chimp happens.

This Gang Is A Bunch Of Animals, Part 2

It became evident rather quickly

we weren't dealing with just a bunch of well-dressed monkeys ...

Ulf The Unbelievadog, canine operative, clued us in:

"Arf! Arf! Arffy woof woof! Hooooowwwwwwwwlllllllllll ... !!!" That's all Jeff needed to hear.

"Guys! Ulf The Unbelievadog just told me the greatest threat to the world as we know it is at hand and it's in the form of a bunch of dressed-up chimps with plans to take over the world!" Jeff panted. "It's a real live version of Planet Of The Apes! Let's thwart this thing!"

Clark and I looked at each other and then back again at Jeff. "Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes! That's intel straight from Ulf!" Jeff confirmed.

"Ulf! Ulf, boy! C'mere!" Clark called. Ulf trotted over and sat down in front of Clark. "Talk to me, boy ..."

Ulf's ears pricked up and he stood: "Arf! Arf! Arffy woof woof! Hooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwlllllllllllllllllllllllll ... !!!"

"Where'd you find this out?" Clark countered.

"Woof ... *gag* ... yelp, arf woof!" came the response.

"Huh," I puffed. "Real live chimps? That's a new one. It's a wonder no one's thought of this before. Are you sure they're not being led by anyone, Ulf? They're just chimps, all on their own, instigating and planning this overthrow?"

"Woof!" Ulf responded.

"We've got to get going!" Jeff blurted.

"Hold on ... we need a plan first," I offered. Jeff and Clark agreed.

"Clark: Run to the store and get a bushel or two of bananas. Jeff: Downstairs in the storeroom behind that old box of grenades is Charley Chimp. Grab him for me, will you? Meanwhile, I need to get out of these pants and give Ulf some water. He's parched!"

Charley Chimp: Best decoy ever

Clark headed out and we heard the 'Vette roar down the road seconds later. Jeff came back up from the storeroom with Charley.

"We'll use Charley as the usual diversionary tactic and put him in the middle of the floor at the Unbelieva-Base's laundry entrance. Surround Charley with the bananas Clark will bring back for us shortly and we have that animal horde right where we want them. Besides, I've been dying to bust out the Lobster Rage Fist!"

The Lobster Rage Fist:

Quite possibly The Unbelievables' most deadly weapon

15 minutes later after planting Charley as a diversion (and still waiting on Clark to return) we heard a commotion. We flipped on the Unbelieva-Monitors keeping an eye on the faux-laundry entrance to the Unbelieva-Base.

"Uh oh. We have a problem ..." Jeff half whispered through pursed lips.

There on the screen was Mr. B, Bames Jond, Mr. Shifter, Bobo and a couple dozen more chimp goons closing in on Charley in the middle of the entrance.

"No problem. I'll activate Charley. He'll keep those chimps busy wondering what he'll do next. But that will only last half a minute at best. Even with the best of our arsenal, it's us two against almost 30 of them. We're outnumbered 15 to 1! And with Kip The Mail Boy off today*, we need Clark desperately! What's holding him up ... ??!!?"(... to be continued Friday ...)

*In all honesty, Kip isn't much help in a tussle any time. No great loss there.