Roger: Tailored.

You know ... we don't necessarily like to brag.

(Okay ... we do ... sometimes.)

But certain instances require we brag once in a while. Doing so has its merits and sheds light for the benefit of all.

You've seen us post letters regarding the annals of The Unbelievables. And you know we get various requests (some legitimate occasionally) and quite a few questions, too. One recent question put a smile to my face. The back story involved with it is quite, well ... unbelievable. And it involves a little bragging.

A personal question came at me from D I-ngo Serra just the other day (yes ... that D I-ngo Serra) accompanied with a photo:

"Do the Unbelievables have a rock slacks rack? They don't tailor'em like this any more!"

Queen are: (l to r) John Deacon, Roger Taylor, Brian May and Freddie Mercury

Yes ... that's Queen, the rock band. Our good friends Queen, as a matter of fact. Our good friends Queen who The Unbelievables - fashionable gents that we are as luck would have it - had everything to do with the band's signature style sense. (I told you there was some bragging involved.)

So ... let me circle back to the question du jour: "Do the Unbelievables have a rock slacks rack?"

You better believe it.

I'll let you ponder that admission for a bit before Clark and Jeff chime in later this week and tell you all about "that rack" and our association with the band. 

Unbelieva-failure!

Yep, it looks like for all our best intents that we have come up short this time. Undone not by anything we could control but by the mendacity of bureaucratic red tape. So here's what happens now:
- We have no need to be a sovereign nation so we're folding the whole Unbelievia thing up.
- Get ready for all your jewelry to be stolen because we can't do anything about it now. Sorry, we tried.
- You tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free (AKA wretched refuse of your teeming shore) hoping to become citizens of Unbelievia can stop filling out forms.

Those are our regrets as an international crime-fighting organization. But as Michael mentioned the other day, as a sports collective (albeit short-lived) our biggest regret is disappointing our fans. Specifically, these fans.

Let a long, intense, sweaty period of mutual consoling begin.

World Cup: Denied

In the end, our popularity remained intact. We showed it by walking with our heads held high out of the press room after the announcement.

We won our match handily over The Sultanate of Brunei as Jeff previously mentioned (17-2 was such a ridiculously one-sided score it wasn't even funny) and we edged Andorra 2-0 (both Jeff and Clark snagging a goal each, superb strikers that they are) ...

... but that's where the glory ended.

We were called on a technicality and ousted from competition. Our records were erased, we were unceremoniously ejected from the field and our accomplishments stricken from the record books.

It wasn't because our pre-game training methods were illegal or underhanded in any way ...

In no way did the use of

"Wonder Sauna (Short) Hot Pants"

violate any drug rules set in place by FIFA

nor did it give us an unfair advantage in World Cup competition.

(They did look fabulous during our training regimens, however.)

It wasn't because Clark is a sports reporter in The States. (Rumors flew he harbored "an unfair advantage" with a head full of knowledge and names and numbers, a poor excuse to try and shunt us from public adoration, let me tell you.)

And it certainly wasn't because Jeff's passport wasn't in order. (It wasn't. Not by a long shot. But we worked it out without breaking any rules and without pulling any favors. Everything on that front was on the up and up and there was never any question of wrong doing, something the media - try as they might - attempted to sensationalize.)

No ... it was nothing more than an aggravating little technicality, a blip of a line in the FIFA rule book stating a country had to be established - and not with a mere couple week's worth of history beneath its belt. That being said, the wheels were put in motion by the FIFA Powers That Be to quash our little micronation of "Unbelievia" from its meteoric rise on the world stage of sporting events. We were ousted from competition ... and there was nothing we could do about.

FIFA, it claimed, had a responsibility to its fans:

"It would go against the grain of sports and would be viewed as impartial if we did not not see through to removal of unqualified participants in The World Cup. Our decision to remove Unbelievia from the competition is final."

Yet ... Luis Suarez continues to remain a name of import in the sport despite his "appetite" for other players. And FIFA turns in the other direction whenever S.M.U.D.G.E. is mentioned. Go figure.

We grouped together as a team and came to this conclusion: The little men on their little thrones who run FIFA simply couldn't come to grips with the fact a suave, well put together cohesive unit such as we could so overwhelmingly dominate the 2014 World Cup in the fashion we displayed. (Which was fabulous, by the way.) So they brought the hammer down in the form of a stupid technical aside to save face.

The tragedy here is that our fans are being denied. That's the sad fact of the matter. So, to them we say we're sorry ... sorry FIFA decided to take their balls (so to speak) and go home. They have that ability, obviously, but it makes them look like whiny, snotty-nosed brats for doing so. They just couldn't handle the truth. We're sorry, too, for the efforts of our coaching staff and additional team members. Their tireless contributions will not be forgotten.

Regardless, our heads are held high. We know the blood, sweat and tears we put out in realizing our dream. 

And, as far as we're concerned, we accomplished it.

Meet The (Coaching) Staff

For those of you who haven't been keeping up, the World Cup is now in its quarter-final stage, and believe it or not, we're still in the running. Yes, having given The Sultanate of Brunei a sound hiding (we beat them 17-2 - and one of theirs was an own goal caused when goalie Michael decided to re-tie his boots and remove his pants at the same time near the goalmouth, and tripped over the ball. However, the defensive skills of Clark and my striking prowess safely saw us through to the next game), we are lined up to play tomorrow against Andorra or The Vatican, depending on the outcome of that match. Pope Francis is very tasty in midfield.

Our success at the game of football can only be matched by our crmefighting skills, which we've also been putting to good use during our time here in Brazil. Any jewel robberies in your neighbourhood lately, hmm? Thought not. You are welcome.

But I must say, we're not just talented footballers - raw talent like ours must be moulded into shape by the best coaching team on the planet, and that is what we have. Meet the coaches...

First up...

COACH RAMSAY

While the rest of the world knows him as a foul-mouthed, bad-tempered sonofabitch who can cook up a storm, we know him as our Gentle Giant. Big-hearted Coach Ramsay likes to provide us with healthy goat-cheese-and-pancetta-wrapped-watercress sandwiches on the sidelines during our training sessions, followed by a relaxing pasta-making session. Then he calls us all donkeys and throws what we've made in the bin. We love you, Coach!

And speaking of cookery...

COACH SMITH

Delia Smith is the gal that brought cooking to the masses in the 70s, 80s and 90s. She is also a majority shareholder in Norwich City FC and a rollicking good sport on the Unbelieva-sidelines too. For some reason she likes to come into the locker rooms at (ahem) inopportune moments (like when we're semi-nude) and inspect our kit. And of course, being the Unbelievables, we welcome her with open arms. She's an excellent coach, and her very vocal guidance from the stands during a game is invaluable - whether we're playing well...

or playing horribly.

"SHOOOOT! BLOODY SHOOT, I SAID!!!"

Next...

COACH DAPPY

Not only can Dappy (from N-Dubz, if you're not sure) knock out a winning tune at the drop of a hat, but his ball-handling skills need to be witnessed to be believed. Plus, he choreographs all our goal celebrations (above) and shows us how to keep our street cred while dribbling - not an easy feat, but he pulls it off with flair and aplomb in equal measure.

Style, grace, elan... Coach Dappy knows what time it is.

And finally...

HEAD COACH ROD

He doesn't like being called "Coach Stewart". Says it makes him feel old. But Rod's a sprightly old bugger, despite being 96 years of age.

Rod has been a football fan all his life and plays football most everywhere he goes. He and fellow old codger Elton meet regularly for wind sprints.

He's a constant source of good advice...

"Now - let's start with the basics, shall we? Does anyone know what THIS is?"

So, there you have it - the people that keep us motivated and on our toes at all times. The people that stand there and cheer us on when we are doing well, and throw food at us when we aren't. The Yin to our Yang. The coaches. Hip Hip Hooray!

Unbelieva-Fever

How can anyone not love The World Cup's Fuelco The Armadillo?

Look: I'm just a humble observer.

A simple fan.

And, honestly, a rather recent one to The World Cup at that.

I'm not the consummate sports reporting professional Clark is when he's not pulling double duty as an Unbelievable. And I didn't grow up across the pond as fellow comrade Jeff whose "appreciation of football" - while inherent because of nationality - harbors the disenchantment of realism as noted in Wednesday's entry. (Not everything on television is as glamorous as one would think, I'm sure Jeff would say.)

Right now, I'm digging The World Cup. Yeah ... the rules are still a bit strange as to advancement into the upper tiers of competition. (Really? The United States advanced even though they lost on Thursday ... ?!? Apparently the old adage "You can't win for losing" doesn't hold water in The World Cup.)

But toss in the fact The Unbelievables are actively active in the tournament and you have to admit there's a whole new level of excitement! Unbelivievia is alive and well and headed for the knockout stages of competition! Thrilling! Chilling! Who'duh thunk it ... ?!?

Of course, it's impossible to predict the outcome of our efforts. I mean, in reality, we just put the team together and have had precious little time to "gel" into a well-oiled machine. But credit where credit is due: We're well advanced in our Group U and kicking balls!

Next up, as Jeff stated, is Brunei. They "supposedly" have some secret strategy to oust us from position but that remains to be seen. I'll have a special report next Wednesday after next week's match to update you on our status.

(Meanwhile, I can tell you Elton John masks are all the rage and selling like hotcakes courtesy of our fans finding out little pieces of our history as a football contender. International fandom is wild and wacky!)

And speaking of updates ... 

Suarez Update: Truth be told, I'm glad we got the chance to expose the devious football field shenanigans of Luis Suarez. I don't care who you are: There isn't any excuse for such behavior (or "behaviour" as Jeff might put it). Since last post, word has come down the daft athlete has been struck quite the disciplinary blow - a 9 game squelch as well as a 4 month ban from any football field. While that might seem harsh, The Unbelievables don't feel it's harsh enough. After all, the rogue has been punished for two other Hannibal Lecterisms: 7 and 10 game bans for like-minded toothy incidents. FIFA (Fédération Internationale de Football Association) waffled originally when this latest travesty raised its ugly head and many wondered if it was going to do anything about it at all. (FIFA stumbles often when it comes to doling out punishment. And it does like its stars out on display, especially on the international front of The World Cup, where - unfortunately - Suarez is certainly one of those stars.)

Luckily, The Unbelievables were on the job at the time. Now ... what was done and how we did it can't be revealed. Ever. Because, well, no one - NO ONE - is allowed to fiddle with the governing body of such an organization as FIFA. The reasons are obvious. Strict impartiality must be in order so that the equal rules of play are maintained for everyone. But The Unbelievables have their ways of "getting things done" in order to see justice is meted out. Let's just say FIFA didn't want to bring down the hammer as hard as it did on Suarez (which, in our opinion, wasn't harsh enough). That's all I'm allowed to say.

Except of course: World (Cup)? You're welcome.
 
Oh ... all right. I will pass along one little tidbit from our Suarez investigation ...

It shouldn't come as any surprise this is Suarez' "hero" he looks up to and gleans inspiration from before each match:

Soccer Shenanigans

Clark is correct - I don't particularly care for soccer, perhaps in part because I was made to play it at school in all weathers, or at least all the types of weather that seem to occur during soccer season, which is to say Autumn, Winter and Spring. Yep, you guessed it. Muddy, wet, cold, miserable outside, and you want me to run around a field and kick a ball if it comes my way? Well, mister P.E. teacher man, it's all very well for you, sloping off to the staff room every 45 minutes for a nice warm mug of cocoa and a sly ciggy, telling us lads to 'get stuck in'. See how you like it when I set the fire alarm off while you're mid-sip.

So as you can see I am not a keen footie fan. So when the boys decided we were going to play in the World Cup in order to protect the world from a band of jewel thieves, I was doubtful as to how we were going to achieve this. But I must admit, I was impressed with the boys' can-do attitude and never-say-die spirit.

We are currently entering the knockout stages of the tournament and even though we struggled against Equatorial Guinea and the mighty Tonga, we won through (despite some dodgy calls by the ref) and are looking forward to our next match where we face the fearsome Sultanate of Brunei. In the meantime, the world is experiencing a distinct lack of diamond heists, and only we know why. Michael will explain it all in fearless and pantsless detail (as he always does) on Friday.

Meanwhile, I embarked on a side project which I can now tell you about.

I discovered a gruesome project being undertaken by a secret klatch of scientists specialising in various fields such as cloning, genetic modification and similar disciplines, with an evil purpose - to rid the world's football teams of their star strikers. It all started many years ago when this group developed a technique known as Scientific Modification Using Digital Genetic Enhancements - or S.M.U.D.G.E. for short.

They started by taking some tissue samples from both Erik Estrada and Adam Sandler (how they got them, I have yet to ascertain) and combined these with DNA from a llama and a piranha fish.
What they ended up with was then secretly placed in a small village in Uruguay, where it grew up to be a naturally talented soccer player, with an added extra talent. 

It went something like this...

+

+

+

=

Yes, Luis Suarez, the result of that fiendish experiment years ago, put here to bite as many opposing players as possible. Now, with last night's incident still fresh in our minds, FIFA is considering legal action against this hideous FrankenStriker. And it's all thanks to The Unbelievables.

You are welcome, world.

Unbelievabol

We hope everyone is enjoying the World Cup tournament currently taking place. It's very exciting, isn't it? We know you're feeling safe while it's going on. We know, because we're making it that way.

Before play began, we picked up on a plot hatched by a crafty ring of international jewel thieves that would rely on the excitement generated by the tourney to help them carry out their nefarious plans. Basically, their plan was to rob jewelery stores and museums in the world's most densely populated countries on the days when their teams played games. Every time a team wins a game, the populace of that country erupts in wild celebrations, during which most everyone is distracted. The more populous the country, the bigger the celebration, the bigger the distraction, the easier it is to rob a place stupid. Simple.
Our response was equally simple: plant ourselves on the team from the smallest country possible and win all the games against the bigger countries. Fewer wins means less celebrations and more diligent security.
One of the problems we ran into was finding the right sized country. This was proving problematic until Michael found a site on the internet that allows you to register your very own micronation. With a $15 "processing fee" (charged to Jeff's credit card) and several pages of "I Agree", we were the proud owners and residents of "Unbelievia" (rejected names: Unbelievaburg, Unbelievavania, Michigan II). First order of business was to set us up with our own World Cup team. Done!

Our team: the three of us and two guys who inadvertantly clicked the wrong link while searching for Elton John fan sites. It's going to be tough with only five guys but we love a challenge.

We encountered other problems (Jeff, in spite of being from England, doesn't particularly care for soccer. Michael doesn't particularly care for sports played while clothed) but the mission continues. The boys will tell you all about it.