Football Fashion For Fall!

As the air gets cooler and the leaves turn browner, it's almost time to put away the summer fashions.

If you own this in more than just white, you're good.
If not, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?

Lest we forget, the sports calendar moves along as well. That means after a summer when the whole world was watching football (and rooting for the upstart and dearly departed nation of Unbelievia to bring home The World Cup), it's time to start watching football! The two most powerful retailers in the world (J.C. Penny's and Sears, of course) have fantastic fan wear that will allow you to root for any of the 26 NFL teams in style! 

A rain slicker is a must-have. Might as well get one that supports your favorite team. As you can see, this item is available for black people too!

What would it look like if one really fast player played for every team? Buy all 15 of these sweatshirts and find out!

Simple. Understated. Classy. Nothing conjures up what the NFL is all about like the iconic football helmet, the shoddy, ineffectual headgear that shortens the lifespans of real former football players, often by rendering them suicidal!

What better way to show your support for the greatest football player of all time, O.J. Simpson, than with a shirt with his picture on it? Other teams available too.

The key to any good workout regimen is a sharp looking track suit, as shown on this page by former Pittsburgh Steeler Dan Tackwad. Dan is in the pro football hall of fame as the last white defensive back to play in the NFL. He starts his days now just like he did when he played, with a very slow two mile run. Top off your ensemble with a douchey Ashton Kutcher cap!

Time for bed. Even the most intense 'roid rage will be quelled by these comfy, cozy jammie sets. Nighty-night, all star!

Here's the ultimate! An actual NFL team uniform! You and your friends can put together your own versions of the Los Angeles Rams and Houston Oilers. All uniforms are available in the "home" (dark) version only and are numbered either 33, 44 or 55 for maximum confusion and mayhem on the gridiron. Best of all, you know these uniforms are authentic NFL caliber; $9.99 is the same amount the NFL invests in the on-field safety of each of their players!

Unbelieva-failure!

Yep, it looks like for all our best intents that we have come up short this time. Undone not by anything we could control but by the mendacity of bureaucratic red tape. So here's what happens now:
- We have no need to be a sovereign nation so we're folding the whole Unbelievia thing up.
- Get ready for all your jewelry to be stolen because we can't do anything about it now. Sorry, we tried.
- You tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free (AKA wretched refuse of your teeming shore) hoping to become citizens of Unbelievia can stop filling out forms.

Those are our regrets as an international crime-fighting organization. But as Michael mentioned the other day, as a sports collective (albeit short-lived) our biggest regret is disappointing our fans. Specifically, these fans.

Let a long, intense, sweaty period of mutual consoling begin.

World Cup: Denied

In the end, our popularity remained intact. We showed it by walking with our heads held high out of the press room after the announcement.

We won our match handily over The Sultanate of Brunei as Jeff previously mentioned (17-2 was such a ridiculously one-sided score it wasn't even funny) and we edged Andorra 2-0 (both Jeff and Clark snagging a goal each, superb strikers that they are) ...

... but that's where the glory ended.

We were called on a technicality and ousted from competition. Our records were erased, we were unceremoniously ejected from the field and our accomplishments stricken from the record books.

It wasn't because our pre-game training methods were illegal or underhanded in any way ...

In no way did the use of

"Wonder Sauna (Short) Hot Pants"

violate any drug rules set in place by FIFA

nor did it give us an unfair advantage in World Cup competition.

(They did look fabulous during our training regimens, however.)

It wasn't because Clark is a sports reporter in The States. (Rumors flew he harbored "an unfair advantage" with a head full of knowledge and names and numbers, a poor excuse to try and shunt us from public adoration, let me tell you.)

And it certainly wasn't because Jeff's passport wasn't in order. (It wasn't. Not by a long shot. But we worked it out without breaking any rules and without pulling any favors. Everything on that front was on the up and up and there was never any question of wrong doing, something the media - try as they might - attempted to sensationalize.)

No ... it was nothing more than an aggravating little technicality, a blip of a line in the FIFA rule book stating a country had to be established - and not with a mere couple week's worth of history beneath its belt. That being said, the wheels were put in motion by the FIFA Powers That Be to quash our little micronation of "Unbelievia" from its meteoric rise on the world stage of sporting events. We were ousted from competition ... and there was nothing we could do about.

FIFA, it claimed, had a responsibility to its fans:

"It would go against the grain of sports and would be viewed as impartial if we did not not see through to removal of unqualified participants in The World Cup. Our decision to remove Unbelievia from the competition is final."

Yet ... Luis Suarez continues to remain a name of import in the sport despite his "appetite" for other players. And FIFA turns in the other direction whenever S.M.U.D.G.E. is mentioned. Go figure.

We grouped together as a team and came to this conclusion: The little men on their little thrones who run FIFA simply couldn't come to grips with the fact a suave, well put together cohesive unit such as we could so overwhelmingly dominate the 2014 World Cup in the fashion we displayed. (Which was fabulous, by the way.) So they brought the hammer down in the form of a stupid technical aside to save face.

The tragedy here is that our fans are being denied. That's the sad fact of the matter. So, to them we say we're sorry ... sorry FIFA decided to take their balls (so to speak) and go home. They have that ability, obviously, but it makes them look like whiny, snotty-nosed brats for doing so. They just couldn't handle the truth. We're sorry, too, for the efforts of our coaching staff and additional team members. Their tireless contributions will not be forgotten.

Regardless, our heads are held high. We know the blood, sweat and tears we put out in realizing our dream. 

And, as far as we're concerned, we accomplished it.

Unbelieva-Fever

How can anyone not love The World Cup's Fuelco The Armadillo?

Look: I'm just a humble observer.

A simple fan.

And, honestly, a rather recent one to The World Cup at that.

I'm not the consummate sports reporting professional Clark is when he's not pulling double duty as an Unbelievable. And I didn't grow up across the pond as fellow comrade Jeff whose "appreciation of football" - while inherent because of nationality - harbors the disenchantment of realism as noted in Wednesday's entry. (Not everything on television is as glamorous as one would think, I'm sure Jeff would say.)

Right now, I'm digging The World Cup. Yeah ... the rules are still a bit strange as to advancement into the upper tiers of competition. (Really? The United States advanced even though they lost on Thursday ... ?!? Apparently the old adage "You can't win for losing" doesn't hold water in The World Cup.)

But toss in the fact The Unbelievables are actively active in the tournament and you have to admit there's a whole new level of excitement! Unbelivievia is alive and well and headed for the knockout stages of competition! Thrilling! Chilling! Who'duh thunk it ... ?!?

Of course, it's impossible to predict the outcome of our efforts. I mean, in reality, we just put the team together and have had precious little time to "gel" into a well-oiled machine. But credit where credit is due: We're well advanced in our Group U and kicking balls!

Next up, as Jeff stated, is Brunei. They "supposedly" have some secret strategy to oust us from position but that remains to be seen. I'll have a special report next Wednesday after next week's match to update you on our status.

(Meanwhile, I can tell you Elton John masks are all the rage and selling like hotcakes courtesy of our fans finding out little pieces of our history as a football contender. International fandom is wild and wacky!)

And speaking of updates ... 

Suarez Update: Truth be told, I'm glad we got the chance to expose the devious football field shenanigans of Luis Suarez. I don't care who you are: There isn't any excuse for such behavior (or "behaviour" as Jeff might put it). Since last post, word has come down the daft athlete has been struck quite the disciplinary blow - a 9 game squelch as well as a 4 month ban from any football field. While that might seem harsh, The Unbelievables don't feel it's harsh enough. After all, the rogue has been punished for two other Hannibal Lecterisms: 7 and 10 game bans for like-minded toothy incidents. FIFA (Fédération Internationale de Football Association) waffled originally when this latest travesty raised its ugly head and many wondered if it was going to do anything about it at all. (FIFA stumbles often when it comes to doling out punishment. And it does like its stars out on display, especially on the international front of The World Cup, where - unfortunately - Suarez is certainly one of those stars.)

Luckily, The Unbelievables were on the job at the time. Now ... what was done and how we did it can't be revealed. Ever. Because, well, no one - NO ONE - is allowed to fiddle with the governing body of such an organization as FIFA. The reasons are obvious. Strict impartiality must be in order so that the equal rules of play are maintained for everyone. But The Unbelievables have their ways of "getting things done" in order to see justice is meted out. Let's just say FIFA didn't want to bring down the hammer as hard as it did on Suarez (which, in our opinion, wasn't harsh enough). That's all I'm allowed to say.

Except of course: World (Cup)? You're welcome.
 
Oh ... all right. I will pass along one little tidbit from our Suarez investigation ...

It shouldn't come as any surprise this is Suarez' "hero" he looks up to and gleans inspiration from before each match:

Unbelievabol

We hope everyone is enjoying the World Cup tournament currently taking place. It's very exciting, isn't it? We know you're feeling safe while it's going on. We know, because we're making it that way.

Before play began, we picked up on a plot hatched by a crafty ring of international jewel thieves that would rely on the excitement generated by the tourney to help them carry out their nefarious plans. Basically, their plan was to rob jewelery stores and museums in the world's most densely populated countries on the days when their teams played games. Every time a team wins a game, the populace of that country erupts in wild celebrations, during which most everyone is distracted. The more populous the country, the bigger the celebration, the bigger the distraction, the easier it is to rob a place stupid. Simple.
Our response was equally simple: plant ourselves on the team from the smallest country possible and win all the games against the bigger countries. Fewer wins means less celebrations and more diligent security.
One of the problems we ran into was finding the right sized country. This was proving problematic until Michael found a site on the internet that allows you to register your very own micronation. With a $15 "processing fee" (charged to Jeff's credit card) and several pages of "I Agree", we were the proud owners and residents of "Unbelievia" (rejected names: Unbelievaburg, Unbelievavania, Michigan II). First order of business was to set us up with our own World Cup team. Done!

Our team: the three of us and two guys who inadvertantly clicked the wrong link while searching for Elton John fan sites. It's going to be tough with only five guys but we love a challenge.

We encountered other problems (Jeff, in spite of being from England, doesn't particularly care for soccer. Michael doesn't particularly care for sports played while clothed) but the mission continues. The boys will tell you all about it.