Top Tips: School Safety And Stuff

Now that we've learned (or relearned in some cases) a few of the tried and true classic old mealtime sayings ("You gotta feed your kids dinner! What are you, nuts?" is my favorite. Thanks, Clark!) I thought I'd lend a little wisdom concerning parent toleration.

It's important stuff! Seriously, if you can't master parent toleration you risk going nuts. You don't want to lose the ability to venture out of doors and communicate normally with the outside world, do you? Face the fact you're just going to have to hitch up your jeans and act like a grown up every once in a while, despite the fact your kids will do their best to drive you borderline insane.

So here are a few Top Tips to get you through various 24 hour periods without going off the deep end.

Top Tip: Don't obsess over the hand sanitizer

The best thing you can do is just throw the stuff in the trash. Kids don't need hand sanitizer. They're prone to eating dirt and picking dropped food off the ground and popping it in their mouths anyway, 5 second rule be damned. It's a natural, time-honored right of passage aimed at bolstering your young ones' immune systems. You can't stop Nature, it's just not going to happen. So relax, give the heave ho to those goopy "cleansers on the go." (Look at it this way: If any germs do cause some perverse reaction to your offspring, you have a handy dandy local emergency room nearby. That's why they were created in the first place.)

Don't believe the hype! This isn't going to happen if you don't use hand sanitizer.

Top Tip: Scrapes and minor flesh wounds are going to happen

Again, don't stress. Be prepared. That's why our ancestors created band aid type bandages, for those minor cuts caused from climbing trees and the occasional road rash. It's kind of like that classic old saying: "Quitcher cryin' and put a band aid on it." (Or that other classic saying "Duct tape. Because band aid type bandages don't always staunch the flow of an open vein.")

You're in the top 5% of parents if you keep a role of duct tape handy. Good job!

Top Tip: Safety strap your refrigerator

As the school year progresses, those burgeoning Picassos, portraits of summer vacations and the like will fill the face of your fridge in pretty short order. And, before you know it, your appliance is suddenly in danger of tipping over from the bevy of artwork. So, while it's fresh in your mind - yes, right now, this very moment, while it's fresh in your mind - it's best to stop what you're doing and strap that sucker to the wall, preventing any future danger. You never know when the weight of those cherished drawings could result in an untimely tragedy to Bowzer, Kitty Puss Puss or, God forbid, grandma.

Not a recommended method for strapping down your fridge. Use discretion, folks.

Top Tip: There's nothing wrong with bringing back clothing patches

Little Jimmy takes a tumble from two stories up on the jungle gym. (It happens.) Luckily, his knee broke the fall. But, in the process, said knee of his jeans receives a gaping rip the size of a silver dollar pancake. Not to worry. Do what your grandmother did when your parents were kids: Apply a fashionable patch to the area to prevent further aggravation to the tear.

Lots of fun designs and colors to choose from!

Hey! Don't turn up your nose at patches! They can be fashionable as well as fun! They come in all kinds of sizes and styles for the new generation - emojis, LOLs and WTFs, clever sayings ... even superheroes and musical artists.

What ...  you can't sew? No problem! They're now made with no-iron, aggressive, wash-resistant adhesives! Just peel and stick. Boom! Instant clothes savers! 

Top Tip: Parent conferences and open houses

No one really likes these things, least of all teachers. (They're obligated by contract to tough them out during the year.)

Want to be a hero in their eyes? The day before the meeting or open house, stop by the classroom and slip them a couple of those single shot adult beverages to take the edge off. Imagine the surprise on the teacher's face when a couple miniature bottles of Fireball are slipped in their hands on the sly. You just might receive a "You get me ... you really GET me!" response, setting you up as the hip parent of the semester.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner ... !!!

I know, I know! I can hardly wait for Jeff's contribution Friday! Stay tuned ... !!!

Back to school top tips

By now, all of your school-aged kiddies should be back at the daily grind of readin', ritin' and rhythmajig. If not, it's because you're bad parents and it's not our fault if you've been waiting for us, The Unbelievables, to furnish you with another installment of Top Tips designed for the annual return to scholarly pursuits. At any rate, here they are now so get those wee ones back on the bus already!

I'm going to cover nutrition. The guys will have input on other areas later this week.

START THE DAY WITH A GOOD BREAKFAST - It's kind of like that classic old saying; "Start the day with a good breakfast!" Unless you're grooming your young'uns for a long career as a truck driver or maybe a private detective (both worthy and admirable pursuits), you shouldn't be sending them off into the world on a tummy full of fried eggs, greasy meat and black coffee. Instead feed them a breakfast like the one pictured above.

• Minced green something or other
• A quarter of an orange
• Brown package of whatever
• Three shiny dough columns in a puddle of syrup
• Thimble of fruit juice

LUNCH TIME IS A TIME FOR EATING LUNCH - It's kind of like that classic old saying; "Sit down and eat some lunch because it's lunch time!" Unless you're grooming your whippersnappers for a long career as some drone who toils away in an office doing spreadsheet reports (a somewhat worthy pursuit), you shouldn't be leaving their mid-day refueling to a bunch of things crammed into a brown paper bag. Instead feed them a proper school lunchy lunch.

• Corn
• Minced orange something or other
• Potato nuggets
• Meat nuggets
• As obelisk of low-fat milk

DIN DIN IS AFTER SCHOOL (but still important) - If you think your child-feeding obligations end at lunch, you are sadly mistaken. It's kind of like that classic old saying; "You gotta feed your kids dinner! What are you, nuts?" Unless you're grooming your moppets for a long career as somebody who doesn't eat right, such as a writer or a stand-up comedian or a comedy writer (none of which can be considered worthy pursuits), you should be feeding them a meal when they get home from school. Specifically, creamy tuna casserole.

• Tuna
• Noodles
• Creamy-ness
• Green

Now that we, The Unbelievables, have covered how to nourish your kids, we'll move on to other areas where you need help.