Better safety than sorry-ty

Having immediately dismissed the "threat" implied by Tony "Monobrow" McGee, the world's only New Jersey cockney, we resumed party planning. However, in spite of the absurdity of McGee's attempt at being ominous, I thought it might be a good idea to look at our safety measures. After all, it's not every day we open the UnbelievaBase to the hoi polloi. With that in mind, I assembled our Pre-Holiday Gala Event Security Planning Squad (or PHGESPS, which is easy to pronounce if you hold your nose and sneeze) for an inspection of the facility and a logistics review.

SECURITY

Duh. I shouldn't even have to mention this.

FIRE SAFETY

Can't have our guests burning up now, can we?

COMMUNICATIONS

"Can you hear me now?" Yes. Yes, I can.

FIRST AID

To your health!

HOUSEKEEPING AND SANITATION

Cleanliness is next to security, fire safety and basic first aid.

SECURITY

I already mentioned that? Oh well, you can never be too secure.

NAVAL OPERATIONS

We're nowhere near any water. Still, just to be sure...

AIR SURVEILLANCE

An eye in the sky is worth two in the hand.

ANIMAL CONTROL

Nothing ruins a nice evening like a sudden infestation of rabid forest creatures.

GENDER EQUALITY

Not really a safety concern, but never let it be said that The Unbelievables are anything but inclusive.

SCIENCE

Rogue robots run a muck? Not at this soiree. Party on, Darth.

THE OCCULT AND DARK ARTS

Is magic real? Probably not. Maybe. I don't know. Why chance it?

SECURITY

I may have mentioned this previously. Just making sure we have it covered, so to speak.

Plea du Petit

I never could understand that McGee dude" I told the guys. 

Clark nodded at me. Jeff kept things level though. "Still, we need to check out the Yelp thing. Clark might have something there ..."

We didn't have anything on McGee - much as we would have liked to - so we high-tailed it back to base. The three of us scoured the internet. 

We came up dry. "Get a monster double burger and listen to Swingtime Express in Snohomish, WA." McGee had said ... but every permutation that came up with those keywords, any phrases and the like led to a dead end. A couple hours into it bore no fruit.

But Jeff came up with something strange. "Check this out: There's a weird Yelp review off a Snohomish that says 'Smokin' smalls you cannot find behind fluffy whites ... but you can certainly hear'em.' What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

A metaphorical light bulb appeared over my head. "SoundCloud!" I exclaimed and started searching anew. Sure enough, on my SoundCloud page, this strange recording came up, one I hadn't recorded or put there:




It was that little weasel Petit. You could tell by his labored breathing and bad French. So bad, in fact, it took us some time before we could translate it:

"It is I, Henri Petit! Please, Unbelievables, I have been kidnapped by no-goodnicks! Save me!"

"It sounds like him ... but it doesn't. Know what I mean? Even so I wouldn't lift a finger for the little scurvy ratatouille" Clark confessed.

Both Jeff and I knew where Clark was coming from but ... Who would kidnap Petit? Why? Was it really him on the recording? What did Tony "Monobrow" McGee have to do with it if anything? 

Stay tuned ...

Unibrowbeaten

"Yo, my name is Boney 'Gonojow' McBlee. Can I help youse?"

McGee seemed upbeat and not intent on doing us harm but it was hard to tell...

"Blimey! Youse 'ave nothin' ter worry about. Nuff said, yeah?"

I said, "That's fine, I guess. But still, what's with locking us in?"

"Lawd above! Yous're not really locked in. We are closed though, an' wan' ter keep uvver people out. But youse guys can leave whenever youse want., innit."

We turned to leave and Tony said:

"Apples and pairs, y'know? Trouble and strife. Fuggedabout it."

Jeff said, "Do... you want us to go upstairs with your wife and not remember it? I'm not sure what you're trying to say."

"Ayyy! Shigglety bigglety. Bing bang bong and a cheesesteak nickel pickel. YouknowI'msayin'?"

Michael looked at Neal Anderthal for clarification and he just shrugged and raised his one, forehead-spanning eyebrow. "All day with this stuff", Smiley Smith said. "We have no idea what we're supposed to do."
At that point, McGee slammed his fist angrily on the desk, pulled out a knife and yelled:

"Well, isn't this just a fine kittenly kettle of mibble-mobble, you shoobies!"

Then he started crying...or maybe it was laughing. It really was impossible to tell. Tor 'The Beast' Chatsworth started laughing in support and then stopped almost immediately when he realized he might be making a fatal error. McGee glared at him hatefully and then embraced him in an uncomfortably affectionate hug.

"Right", Michael said. "We're leaving."

"Burlap sack! Twist and twerk!"

"Is he trying to tell us to hurry back and do some work? I don't understand!  I mean, it's kinda like cockney rhyming slang but...", Jeff said. Lumpy 'Hair Eye Am' Gonzalez said, "Just go. Don't worry about it. Here, take a couple pairs of these night vision heat scope stealth goggles, complimentary. I think the boss said something about wanting you guys to try them out and maybe write a nice review on our web site, although it's impossible to tell."

"Exactly pterodactyly! Badda boom badda bing!"

"Come back next week and check out our selection of of two-way wristwatch laser exploders... if we're still in business", said Jimmy. "Thank you for attempting to shop at Spies Like Us."

We all went home with severe headaches.

Surprising News From Tony ...

The moment Clark, Jeff and I stepped into Spies Like Us we knew something was awry. And it wasn't just the mustachioed gents we saw browsing about the store.


After Tony "Monobrow" McGee popped out, he approached and simply stared at each of us, going from one Unbelievable to the next. No greeting, no evil laugh, nothing. But he did point toward the ceiling at the front of the store behind us.

Cautiously and in unison, all three of us turned to see what he was pointing at. We were greeted with huge posters plastered high on the walls:

Notice anything suspicious? Yep: Monobrows galore. We didn't expect anything less from McGee.

Turning back to face him, we noticed his henchmen had joined him. Among them were Teddy "Twitch" Monty ...

Lumpy "Hair Eye Am" Gonzalez ...

Smiley Smith ...

Neal Anderthal ...

Tor "The Beast" Chatsworth ...

... and the most underhanded looking character of all, Jimmy ...

We were in a pickle. They weren't there for a social call and we didn't see anything resembling an afternoon tea, so we concluded no good could come from any of them.

McGee just continued staring at us, not saying a word. 

I broke the ice. "What's this about, McGee? Why, all of a sudden, are the doors locked and why have all your thugs come out from beneath their rocks?" I asked.

McGee broke out in a huge smile ... which was difficult to discern beneath that huge hairlip of his.

"Guys! Nuttin' doin'! We're jus' closed for the day, s'all! You got nuttin' to worry about - I've gone legit ... !!!"

We were stunned ...