Dodgy Characters

I'm sure we have all been to bad Halloween parties. The canapes aren't worth bothering about, the 'mulled wine' consists of warmed-over Dr.Pepper and an old bottle of Aunt Phyllis' amontillado simmering in a Crock-Pot, and pretty much everyone's costume looks like they went around the house in a blind panic at the last minute trying to find something, anything, from which to throw together a costume. There have been times, I'll admit, when I myself have done just such a thing, but managed to pull it off simply because I did not try to emulate a TV character or movie droid.

No, I went with the generic. Clown is always an easy one to do, as is farmer, scarecrow, and my personal favourite, Charlie Chaplin. If you already have a black suit, then all you need is the little moustache, the cane and the bowler hat. If you possess a black turtleneck sweater and a zip-up leather jacket and black jeans, then just grow three days worth of stubble and you can be a spy, or a terrorist if you have an olive complexion. Add a fake sniper rifle into it and the possibilities are endless. But so many people go into this thing with a preconceived idea of what they want to do that they end up ruining it completely.

 As you can see.

Other people try to be original, which will score you points at the office if you are dressed as some sort of clever visual pun or an everyday household object such as a Twinkie or a Dyson Vacuum Cleaner, but take it one step too far and you and Ms. Herzenbanger from the typing pool could be banned from office parties for life.

Sometimes the best costumes aren't really a costume at all - just your ordinary clothes and a decent make-up job, such as this one modelled by our friend James.

And as our other pal Katherine shows, sometimes the quality of the costume's manufacturing outweighs whether or not it makes any sense at all.

The Unbelievables have been troubled with an increase in recent years of "costume how-tos" posted on various websites (wikiHow, eHow, Instructables, FamilyFun and their ilk, as well as blogs and women's homemaking magazines)that turn out to be completely awful. We were notified of the horrific social consequences of making such costumes by the family that posed for this photo.

The letter that accompanied this photo outlined for us how they were ostracised by their church, mocked at their places of work, bullied at school and even the garbage men refused to pick up their trash. "Please," they implored us, "find out who is putting these shitty instructions up on the Web and stop them!", adding "Help us, Unbelievables - your our only hope!". Well, our task was clear. We immediately replied, saying that not only would we be right on it, but that it was spelt Y-O-U-APOSTROPHE-R-E, for Pete's sake!

Anyway, after utilising the services of our worldwide network of informants, we had figured out that it was a group of some of the most awful characters ever foisted on a viewing public, who were ticked off over their TV careers being so short-lived and were doing this as some sort of payback. Their names were...

 ORKO...

 SNARF...

MR. BLOBBY, and the ringleader behind the whole shoddy enterprise, DAVID THE GNOME.

Once these aggravating little toerags knew we were onto them they changed the location of their hideout repeatedly, in order to throw us off the scent. But as I am sure Michael will be happy to relate, we soon caught up with them...

Thank You, Unbelievinar™

Really, we could go on and on and on and on about our successes with celebrity boneheads who - for one reason or another - don't think before they act and commit public buffoonery that ends up irreparably damaging their careers. 

Celebrity-ism is a slippery slope and there are few who can handle it.  And handle it well. But thanks to our patented Unbelievinar™ there's hope for the "hiccup" in some of our favorite tabloid targets' careers.

  "The Unbelievables made sure I don't 'Oops!' and do it again ..."

Britney Spears: Wow. What a mess. Remember the dingy behavior, the head shave debacle and all the rest? Yeah ... that was bad. A real mess.  But, thanks to our patented Unbelievinar™, Brit Brit got right as rain in a relatively short amount of time. She was able to stand up and fly right. Hey ... civilized world? You're welcome.

 "Because of Unbelievinar™ I'm 'PG-13' and loving it ..."

Pee-Wee Herman: McWowZah. How 'bout Paul Reuben's "X marks the spot" fiasco? You know the one I'm talking about, the one with with the "monkey business" ... or should I be a little clearer on the matter of "the monkey" ... ??? (No ... I don't believe I need to be. You catch my meaning loud and clear.) Welp, he's back on the Freedom Train thanks to, yep, the nifty and completely safe and sane Unbelievinar™. Tequila!

"My life is no longer a 'spaghetti incident' thanks to the Unbelievinar™ 

and those rockin' Unbelievables!"

Axl Rose:  Zoinks! Talk about your basket case. Despite our best efforts, Axl hasn't recovered completely. No amount of concentrated Unbelievinar™ could work its magic to fully cure the volatile Mr. Rose. But we continue our efforts with him. Currently Axl participates in a special monthly Unbelievinar™ series where he's a regular participant (along with several other unmentionable and high-profile clients). And we're happy to report he's making wonderful progress. But there's still a lot of work to do.

 "Those Unbelievinars™ single-handedly turned my career iron. I mean ... golden!

Thanks, Unbelievables!"

Robert Downey Jr.: One of our most successful cases and arguably the biggest feather in our crown is RDJ his own bad self. This was a downward spiral no one wanted to take on. But The Unbelievables, stylish gents that we are, were ready to get down and get back up again in order to pull Bob out of his hole. The results (The Avengers, the Iron Man series, The Soloist, Sherlock Holmes, Tropic Thunder, etc.) speak for themselves. You're welcome. You can thank us in other ways. ("Hello, Ladies!")

What's that you say? "Guys ... really.  Those may be some pretty impressive results due to your patented Unbelievinar™ and that's all well and fine, but ... do you have any cultural, possibly historical examples we can marvel at?"

You betcher bippy, Bubba.  While there are some we simply cannot mention, one will definitely make you sit up straighter in your chair. 

Ready? Here goes:

Yep. Believe it. Charlie Chaplin, The Little Tramp himself. The Unbelievables - along with our trademarked Unbelievinar™ - are responsible for the shocking turnabout of Mr. Chaplin's reputation. His spurnment about the war effort during World War I where his loyalty to England was questioned. The damaging controversy regarding fascist propaganda in making light of Hitler in the '40s. The debacle where his House-Un-Activity Council subpoena was involved and his political and moral views were brought to light. And there's more. But ... international community?  As with our final words on Britney Spears above, you're welcome once more.

Did anyone know The Unbelievables were behind these stunning, glowing recoveries? No. Why? Because we're selfless and giving. It's our way. We don't need the praise or the back slaps or the handshakes ... not where these folks are concerned. We're content in our stylish gentlemanships. 

But now the truth is out. You now know The Unbelievables have been instrumental in some of the most celebrated comebacks in the public eye. 

The proof is in the pudding ... courtesy of Unbelievinar™.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~

P. S. Giving as we are, open invitations are still outstanding to the likes of former American Idol host Brian Dunkelman, current Splash co-host Joey Lawrence, money-lending hawker Montel Williams, mega-mogul Donald Trump (goes without saying) and still-in-need-of-a-big-'ole-makeover Margaret Thatcher*.

P.P.S  Ozzy Osbourne?  Give us a jingle, mate.

P.P.P.S.  Oprah Winfrey?  Don't give us a jingle.  An Unbelievinar™ can only go so far ... you know?

Breaking News! Britney will be releasing "Ohh La, La" for Columbia Pictures for The Smurfs 2, the sequel to 2011's The Smurfs starring Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently, The Unbelievables still have some work to do on Brit Brit.

* What? We missed out on Mags? McWhoops! Silly us! We can't catch'em all, you know! We're stylish and unbelievable ... but if our invitations aren't acted upon when we extend our hand of generosity, there's only so much we can do. You have to want the change ... we can't force it on you.