Hot Roddin'

The Unbelievabase, sometime yesterday morning. Breakfast is on the table.

MICHAEL: So, any word on Rod and The Conductor?

CLARK: Nada. Zip. Smoke. Nuttin'. Not a peep. Nary a flicker on the radar scope. Not heard a word. No--

JEFF: We get it! I have, however, done some research--

C: Wikipedia, Ask Jeeves, Bing...

J: THANK you, yes, Wikipedia etc., (ahem) and I can safely say that with the combined age of The Conductor, Ryūzō and The Seven Henchmen being approximately 636, depending on whose birth certificates are accurate, Rodders should have comparatively little difficulty escaping their clutches.

M: So... we don't need to worry?

J: No.

C: And the ransom? 

J: Paid.

CLARK,MICHAEL: How?

J: I know it sounds almost impossible to believe, but we have Kip The Mail Boy to thank.

C: Oh come ON! That little snot-nose?! What the--

J: Believe it or not, but all this time working as our mail boy has had a positive effect on Kip. He has learned how to hack computers. 

M: You're putting me on.

C: On what planet exactly?!

J: On this one, mi amigos. I sorta... suggested to Kip that perhaps he could hack into the finances of a very rich, very stupid person and use their money to procure the ransom. After all, being very rich, a transaction like that would be a drop in the bucket. And being very stupid, they wouldn't think to look. 

M,C: Come on though! Rich and stupid, sure, but still a person...

J: Not a good person. Not a nice person. A rich, dumb asshole who deserves to be stolen from. 

M: Oh, an asshole. That makes it alright then.

DOOR KNOCKS.

J: I believe I'll get that.

Jeff opens door to reveal Rod Stewart, alive and well.

ROD: Alright lads?

M, C: Hi Rod! What the heck?!

ROD: Relax, guys. Although I could have easily overpowered Ryūzō and The Seven Henchmen, not to mention The Conductor, the ransom got paid and I just walked out, but not before hiring Ryūzō and The Seven Henchmen to be my staff. They're all great cooks (Pan-Asian Fusion is the best!) and Ryūzō himself is now my chief bodyguard. I had them clean out my attic for old spare bits of railway track, gave that to The Conductor, and then made my way here.

M, C: Wow.

M: That explains that, then. 

C; Yeah, except for one thing. The name of the rich, dumb asshole Kip hacked?

J: (slyly grinning) Oh, I'm sure if you think hard enough, you can come up Trumps.

ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

What DO we know about Ryūzō and his henchmen? Plenty

Jeff:  "So ... anyone know anything about these thugs The Conductor hired?"

Thugs. Goons. Henchmen. Whatever you want to call them. They're all pretty much the same. Why? Well, because those who operate in the realm of muscle-for-hire are actually certified professionals. In fact, without that board certification, it is not legal for them to operate illegally in most countries and 48 of the 50 states in America (Florida and Texas, shockingly, have no standards in this area, among many, many others).

So, what do we know about Ryūzō and his crew? Basically what we know from the Fraternal Order of Underlings, Goons, Henchmen & Thugs (F.O.U.G.H.T) Standards and Practices manual...

All certified professionals must:

• Possess the ability to blindly follow orders
• Be willing to wear the uniform as determined by the boss.
• Have the ability to carry multiple sacks of loot.
• Be big and strong, yet generally kind of 'doughy' in appearance
• Remember to attack one at a time, regardless of how many of them there are.
• Learn the phrase, "Uhhh, what now, boss?"
• Not be able to hit the broadside of anything with any kind of weapon

"Seriously, why do we even have guns?"

That's just the minimum job requirements. There is also an exam...

A boss tells you to do something that is sure to end with you being arrested, crippled and or dead. Your response?

1. Do it.
2. Incorrect.

The boss tells you to wear this as a uniform

You say:

1. "What do the initials and numbers mean?"
2. "Turtlenecks make me itch."
3. "Whatever you say, boss."

You're emptying a bank vault. How many sacks of loot do you grab?

1. One. So I have a hand free to open a door or fight if necessary.
2. Two. Because that's enough.
3. Four. Two in each hand.

You can lift

1. Another henchman, to help him scale a wall.
2. A safe.
3. The rear end of a sedan.
4. Whatever.

The last time you exercised...

1. Haw haw! What's exercise?
2. I did crunches once when a hero punched me repeatedly in my face. Well, I heard crunches.

You and six of your buddies have a hero cornered in a blind alley. You...

1. Smile and politely say, "after you" to one of your colleagues.
2. Dial 9 and 1 on your cell phone, knowing how this will end for you.
3. Say, "All right guys, just this once let's try overpowering him by all attacking at once, using the clear and obvious advantage of our numbers to... Carl, wait! Wait! Carl!! Oh damn it,"

Something goes terribly wrong. You return to the hideout and say...

1. Oy, my ribs. Such a pain I'm feeling in my torso region!
2. Uhhh, what now, boss?
3. You know, I tried to get everybody to attack at once, but did anybody listen to me? Noooo! Nobody ever listens to me. Especially Carl.

You spy a hero trying to sneak into your hideout. You pull out your gun and...

1. Fire a warning shot harmlessly into the air. Fair is fair and safety first.
2. Fire every shot in your clip at him, hitting nothing but getting the attention of nearby law enforcement officers who were just standing around doing nothing until they heard gunfire.
3. Tilt it sideways and fire, gangsta-style. But hitting nothing.
4. Just put it on the ground at your feet because you know what's coming.

So while we know nothing about these henchmen, we know everything we need to know about henchmen. 

But what of Rod Stewart and The Conductor?!? 

Jeff will tell you on Friday!

The Conductor Conducts Once More ...

The Conductor ...

... after picking himself up and dusting himself off after his recent ass kicking ...

"But anyway, we beat the living pulp out of The Conductor (note to would-be villains: spring for some hired muscle henchmen and at least make it a challenge), rescued Rod, who came back to Stileto Flats with us where he performed a free concert that still somehow raised a million dollars for charity." 

So said Clark in last Friday's post.

But that wasn't the end of it.

As it turned out, The Conductor was listening - beaten, battered and bloody such that he was. But he was coherent enough to take Clark up on his "note to would-be villains." 

We found out about this little turn of events in a note he sent us:

Jeff: "Uh ... guys? We might have a problem ..."

Michael: "Are we out of Grape Nuts again?"

Clark: "I paid the electric bill, so don't blame me!"

Jeff: "No ... it's The Conductor again. He left us a note. He hired muscle. And some pretty formidable (albeit elderly) muscle at that. He procured none other than Ryūzō and The Seven Henchmen ..."

Ryūzō and some of his henchmen

  
"... and they absconded with Rod Stewart as soon as he landed. And The Conductor wants a ransom for his return this time. Plus some vintage odds and ends for his model train collection. AND he wants his demands met in 48 hours."

Clark: Son of a ... that's the first time one of our foes has EVER taken our advice!"

Me: "Well ... it's a fine time for this to crop up. I had plans to get my Christmas shopping done this weekend. Now it looks like we need to save Rod's ass once again ..."

Clark: "... as well as the rest of him."

Jeff:  "So ... anyone know anything about these thugs The Conductor hired?"

We'd find out soon enough ...