How High

Well, the power was easy enough to fix. It seems while Clark was on the phone with the Unknown Caller, Michael and I were simultaneously blending frozen cocktails in the blender (as one does), whipping up a batch of frangipan crumble cakes in the KitchenAid (natch) mixer, and cooking up a humongous platter of chilaquiles for everyone. The assorted appliances being used all at the same time caused the circuit to overload and the main switch to trip. 

After cleaning up the mess caused by Michael nicking his finger with a santoku knife blade (he's a real prolific bleeder), which occurred while rummaging in the kitchen drawer for a box of matches, which he needed so that he could go to the shed and look for a flashlight in the dark, in order to look at the breaker box under the stairs and flip the switch back on, by which time the auxiliary generator had kicked in and the lights were back on anyway, we decided to put our heads together over this mysterious matter of The Ominous Tall Man Dressed All In Black. 

As we sat there, munching delicious chilaquiles and sipping Bahama Mamas, as well as nursing bandaged fingers, Clark started the discussion.

"Gents, I have only two questions. Who is The Ominous Tall Man Dressed All In Black? Why is he so interested in killing us? And can I have the recipe for these chilaquiles?"

"That's three questions," said Michael, "but I think we should start by eliminating from our inquiry those tall men dressed in black that we KNOW can't be him."

"How do we do that when it could be absolutely anybody?" I asked.

"Well, it's not anyone that is currently dead, for example." said Michael. "It's not Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, Johnny Cash or David Frye, is it?"

"Obviously not" said Clark. "Need I say 'duh'? By the way, this frangipan is an utter delight."

"You really like it, huh?"

"Absolutely, my gosh, it just melts in the mouth. I seriously want to taste this for the rest of my life."

"Anytime you want a batch, I can whip them right up for ya, no worries."

"AHEM!!And it's not any of our friends in the business of show, is it? Not Nick Cave, Dave Gahan or Peter Murphy, creepy as they all are?"

"Or Pee-Wee," Clark snarkily added.

"He's not that tall." I shot back.

"Wait a second! Waaaaait a cotton-pickin' second!" said Michael. "That is it! Tall! What if 'tall' in this instance does not refer to the man's height?!"

"What, then? His coffee preference?" I jokingly enquired.

"Maybe, maybe... it's worth checking out. Clark - get the 'Vette ready! We're going to Starbucks!"

Just as we were heading out the door, the phone rang again...

TO BE CONTINUED.... (dun - dun - duuuunnnnnnn!!)

Thank You, Unbelievinar™

Really, we could go on and on and on and on about our successes with celebrity boneheads who - for one reason or another - don't think before they act and commit public buffoonery that ends up irreparably damaging their careers. 

Celebrity-ism is a slippery slope and there are few who can handle it.  And handle it well. But thanks to our patented Unbelievinar™ there's hope for the "hiccup" in some of our favorite tabloid targets' careers.

  "The Unbelievables made sure I don't 'Oops!' and do it again ..."

Britney Spears: Wow. What a mess. Remember the dingy behavior, the head shave debacle and all the rest? Yeah ... that was bad. A real mess.  But, thanks to our patented Unbelievinar™, Brit Brit got right as rain in a relatively short amount of time. She was able to stand up and fly right. Hey ... civilized world? You're welcome.

 "Because of Unbelievinar™ I'm 'PG-13' and loving it ..."

Pee-Wee Herman: McWowZah. How 'bout Paul Reuben's "X marks the spot" fiasco? You know the one I'm talking about, the one with with the "monkey business" ... or should I be a little clearer on the matter of "the monkey" ... ??? (No ... I don't believe I need to be. You catch my meaning loud and clear.) Welp, he's back on the Freedom Train thanks to, yep, the nifty and completely safe and sane Unbelievinar™. Tequila!

"My life is no longer a 'spaghetti incident' thanks to the Unbelievinar™ 

and those rockin' Unbelievables!"

Axl Rose:  Zoinks! Talk about your basket case. Despite our best efforts, Axl hasn't recovered completely. No amount of concentrated Unbelievinar™ could work its magic to fully cure the volatile Mr. Rose. But we continue our efforts with him. Currently Axl participates in a special monthly Unbelievinar™ series where he's a regular participant (along with several other unmentionable and high-profile clients). And we're happy to report he's making wonderful progress. But there's still a lot of work to do.

 "Those Unbelievinars™ single-handedly turned my career iron. I mean ... golden!

Thanks, Unbelievables!"

Robert Downey Jr.: One of our most successful cases and arguably the biggest feather in our crown is RDJ his own bad self. This was a downward spiral no one wanted to take on. But The Unbelievables, stylish gents that we are, were ready to get down and get back up again in order to pull Bob out of his hole. The results (The Avengers, the Iron Man series, The Soloist, Sherlock Holmes, Tropic Thunder, etc.) speak for themselves. You're welcome. You can thank us in other ways. ("Hello, Ladies!")

What's that you say? "Guys ... really.  Those may be some pretty impressive results due to your patented Unbelievinar™ and that's all well and fine, but ... do you have any cultural, possibly historical examples we can marvel at?"

You betcher bippy, Bubba.  While there are some we simply cannot mention, one will definitely make you sit up straighter in your chair. 

Ready? Here goes:

Yep. Believe it. Charlie Chaplin, The Little Tramp himself. The Unbelievables - along with our trademarked Unbelievinar™ - are responsible for the shocking turnabout of Mr. Chaplin's reputation. His spurnment about the war effort during World War I where his loyalty to England was questioned. The damaging controversy regarding fascist propaganda in making light of Hitler in the '40s. The debacle where his House-Un-Activity Council subpoena was involved and his political and moral views were brought to light. And there's more. But ... international community?  As with our final words on Britney Spears above, you're welcome once more.

Did anyone know The Unbelievables were behind these stunning, glowing recoveries? No. Why? Because we're selfless and giving. It's our way. We don't need the praise or the back slaps or the handshakes ... not where these folks are concerned. We're content in our stylish gentlemanships. 

But now the truth is out. You now know The Unbelievables have been instrumental in some of the most celebrated comebacks in the public eye. 

The proof is in the pudding ... courtesy of Unbelievinar™.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~

P. S. Giving as we are, open invitations are still outstanding to the likes of former American Idol host Brian Dunkelman, current Splash co-host Joey Lawrence, money-lending hawker Montel Williams, mega-mogul Donald Trump (goes without saying) and still-in-need-of-a-big-'ole-makeover Margaret Thatcher*.

P.P.S  Ozzy Osbourne?  Give us a jingle, mate.

P.P.P.S.  Oprah Winfrey?  Don't give us a jingle.  An Unbelievinar™ can only go so far ... you know?

Breaking News! Britney will be releasing "Ohh La, La" for Columbia Pictures for The Smurfs 2, the sequel to 2011's The Smurfs starring Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently, The Unbelievables still have some work to do on Brit Brit.

* What? We missed out on Mags? McWhoops! Silly us! We can't catch'em all, you know! We're stylish and unbelievable ... but if our invitations aren't acted upon when we extend our hand of generosity, there's only so much we can do. You have to want the change ... we can't force it on you.