We Like To Help

Tribute songs to us? Oh, so many. For example, you know the Nat King Cole song "Unforgettable"? 

Would it surprise you to learn that the original title was "Unbelievable"? The writer, Irving Gordon, penned it as a way of thanking us for retrieving some stolen sheet music. We suggested tweaking it and turning it into a love song. He did, and it came to the attention of one Nat King Cole. The rest, as they say, is history.

One time we were hanging out for a little R'n'R in the town of Epsom in Surrey, UK. While we were quaffing some ales in an Epsom pub a funky band was playing, and getting quite a good reception. We couldn't help but think, though, that the band's name, Evil Monster Fist,  was not really in keeping with their sound. That was more of a heavy metal name. 

After their set we bought the lads a pint and sat down and discussed the name.

"We think your name might be holding you back," we said. "People will get confused when they think they're coming to listen to some doom-laden rock anthems but end up with perfect slices of funky pop music."

"Well," they replied, "our previous name was Eat My Farts and before that we were Electromagnetic Fields. Those any good?"

"Boy, you really like that E-M-F combination, don't you? Why not try this - we're in Epsom, you guys are funky and a bit mad - how about Epsom Mad Funkers?"

They loved it. Brilliant choice, they said. They hit the road under that monicker for a while, and then got signed to a record label, who shortened it to EMF, which the A&R guy said was punchier.

As a way of thanking us for helping them on the road to stardom, their first single was the following tune...

They love us in Singapore

Sometimes when we help people out, they're so grateful that they want to pay us some kind of tribute. Often, that takes the form of some artistic expression. Sculptures, paintings, interpretative dance. Sometimes, it's a song. Like this one, the most beautiful song ever sung. Written and performed by the great Chen Tianwen, who puts the "Sing" in Singapore, I can honestly say that nothing has brought a tear to my eye the way this song has.


Thank you so much, Singapore. And yes, we will ALWAYS be the coffee table to your sofa! I mean, we're not girls, or one single girl, but we appreciate all the wonderful sentiments expressed in this song and video.

Um...yeah. Okay. Sure. That's nice too, we guess.

Hey, let's see if my colleagues can share any good tribute stories with you. I'm sure they have some doozies.

Are You Qualified?

Many aspiring Unbelievababes write, call or email us, asking us what it would take for them to qualify. What are the qualities we Unbelieva-gents look for in potential female companions/assistants? Well, firstly, if you think that all the Unbelievababes are is a bunch of female companions and assistants, be aware that they are much, much more than that. Both Clark and Michael have outlined what the Unbelievababes are capable of and the rigorous training they go through in order to maintain their Unbelievababe credentials.

Firstly, you have to be fearless, brave, fierce. If you are the sort of person who reacts to crises like this...

...then just stop right now. You will not cut the mustard.

Secondly (and quite importantly) you have to be female. 

Sorry, sir. Apply elsewhere.

Third, you need to be able to kick ass if necessary.

Four - you need to be able to look immaculate at all times.

Five, know your way around the kitchen.

Sophia's got the idea.

A little too peppy, methinks.

Better, but all you're doing is boiling water. Careful, you might get a scald.

A bit messy, and you've ruined the eggs.

Well done, Rachael.

I think what it boils down to is you need to keep three images in mind. One...

Brave, fierce..

Two...

courteous, accommodating...

Three...

no slouch with a recipe book.

Oh, and if it helps, just ponder on the images above and below, and it might put you in the right frame of mind. Maybe then you'll get to join the ranks of the Unbelievababes.

What part of "Butt-kicking" do you not understand?

Of course, dressing for success is always a good idea...

But ultimately, while we always strive for being stylish, it's the butt-kicking that puts gravy on the potatoes.

Here. certified Unbelieva-Babe Mary Parker shows me (under my training video name of Lou Leonard) a tiny sample of exactly how that works as Jeff and Michael sit on the sidelines, awaiting the opportunity to take their charges through the wringer.

I say a tiny sample because an Unbelieva-Babe has to be able to do more than defend herself against mashers in disturbingly short shorts and sleeveless t-shirts; she may find herself facing off against assassins, henchmen, ninjas, goons, lugs, brutes, robots, sea monsters, zombies or worse, and we may not be around to help. An Unbelieva-Babe has to be able to open her own jar of pickles, if you get my meaning.
So put some jaunty supper music on the HiFi, get yourself some beefcake to jostle you around and follow this video precisely.
Or be the next Monica Lewis.

Yeah, you'll have a better chance trying to follow the video.

So ... You Want To Be An Unbelieva-Babe ...

Time and again we've mentioned there is no admission into the lofty ranks of Unbelievability ... not as an Unbelievable at any rate.

However, if you have a hankering to become an Unbelieva-Babe, well ... that's an entirely different situation all together.

First, there's the necessary need to keep fit ...


There's plenty of basic crime-fighting skills to be learned, both book smart learning and street smart learning, regardless of the fact the gals aren't expected to tangle with any bad guys. (It never hurts to learn ...)

Those two areas alone can be daunting. And if they are, it's wise stop right there. Because that's only scratching the surface.

There's so, so much more. 

Of course as previously mentioned, there's no competing with the ultimate Unbelieva-Babe Monica Lewis. But ... there are ways to "get in good" with The Unbelievables to reach that seemingly impossible Unbelieva-Babe status. 

Clark and Jeff will provide further details.

But be warned: You best be careful what you wish for ... 

Making the mold for the sheer enjoyment of breaking it

Yes, Moon and Reed were incredible.
Yes, McKellen and Stewart are lots of fun.
But they all follow in the sizable footsteps of original Hellraisers, Richard Burton, Richard Harris and Peter O'Toole, whose antics (along with Reed) are chronicled in the book, "Hellraisers". When those three, or any combination of two or three, were present at some shindig, you can be sure that all eyes were on their antics, leaving us free to snoop around and do what we needed to do undetected.
Burton passed away in 1984, leaving Harris and O'Toole to their own devices. Fortunately, they were more than up for the task...

• In 1959, O'Toole was cast as a Cockney sergeant in the play The Long And The Short And The Tall at the Royal Court Theatre. His understudy was a young Michael Caine, and one Saturday night after the show O'Toole invited him to a restaurant he knew. Eating a plate of egg and chips was the last thing Caine remembered, until he woke up in broad daylight in a strange flat.  "What time is it?" he inquired. "Never mind what time it is," said O'Toole. "What f***ing day is it?" It turned out that it was five o'clock in the afternoon two days later. Curtain-up was at eight. (Daily Mail)
• In 1963, Harris won best actor at the Cannes Film Festival for the movie This Sporting Life. But when the actress Jeanne Moreau handed him his award, a plain box, Harris, who'd by then had a few, barked: "What's this?" Momentarily stunned, Moreau replied: "Cufflinks. That's what the best actor gets." Blow that, thought Harris, grabbing the biggest trophy he could see and darting off stage. (Daily Mail)
• (O'Toole) once showed up in a sports car yelling: "Get your passport, we're off!" Heading for Rome, they (he and actress Sian Phillips) took a wrong turning and ended up in Yugoslavia. By the end of the trip, Sian's nerves were in shreds as a result of O'Toole's manic driving. After he'd once taken a friend to Amsterdam, the unfortunate woman later confided to Sian: "He should never drive anything. He's lovely, but I thought we were going to die." Over the years, cars and O'Toole have never been the best of friends. One woman who accepted a lift from him swore afterwards that she would never do so again. During the journey, he had ignored a Keep Left sign on the grounds that it was "silly", and also narrowly avoided driving down a flight of steps. (Daily Mail)
• After one binge, (Harris) staggered back to a hotel where he was staying, undressed and climbed into bed, oblivious to the fact that it was occupied by a young couple. He was in the wrong room. "Hey, what's the big idea?" said a voice. "I don't have one," replied Harris, "but if one occurs to you, by all means wake me up." (Daily Mail)

Clearly, in terms of this kind of behavior, the bar was set very high, very early on. We remain deeply indebted to these bon vivants for their contributions to our success, as well as the obvious positive influence on our own conduct.

To Sir (And Sir), With Love

 

While Jeff honored the fallen in Monday's post, I'm here to tip my hat at a couple blokes still kicking. (And kicking major butt at that.)

Talk about letting your guard down, Keith Moon and Oliver Reed weren't the only two who could loosen a tie.

Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart (both appointed to the Order of the British Empire, McKellen as commander and Stewart as an officer) are just as qualified and able to get a room to let its guard down. I mean, look at'em:

And that is precisely their thing, their "super power" if you will: Comfortability.

Just because you put "sir" at the head of their names doesn't mean the likeability factor surrounding them And that is precisely their thing, their "super power" if you will: Comfortability.

Just because you put "sir" at the start of their names doesn't mean their likeability disappears into thin air.

Greeted with a smile and a warm handshake, the two - whether alone or together - are charmingly disarming, the perfect foils of unsuspecting bad guys harboring secrets and nefarious plans. These two will ask if they can buy you a pint in one breath and extract information from you in the next. Without you ever realizing they've done so.

They're that good.

Now to detail how, exactly, they accomplish this would be compromising not only their talents but shooting ourselves in the foot. It's just not going to happen. They're too valuable to us.

Suffice it to say they have been instrumental as allies of The Unbelievables for quite sometime. The fact fellow Union Jacker Jeff introduced us to them (by accident ... in a pub ... where he might have "accidentally" tripped one of them) has been a boon on the international crime fighting front and a handy trick up our sleeves countless times.
 
One day perhaps we can open the files on these two and amaze you with some of their tales. That day isn't today, however.

For the time being: Cheers, Sirs!