Jeff touched on the lies unbeknownst to us as kids. But I'm going to bring to light something much more heinous than simple lies posted between the pages of our favorite funny books. Something not only heinous but downright deadly. Ever seen one of these things, a Swing Wing? They were popular for a moment in time back in the mid-60s:
Sure ... it looks fun. Carefree. It's plainly crafted to appear as if it will keep kids entertained for hours on end.
But that is a complete falsehood. In truth? It's downright deadly.
See the kid stumbling along while rotating his Swing Wing, trying to shuffle forward? (He's at the 14 second mark of the video.) Seconds later, you see him walking toward you listing to his left. That, folks, is the first sign of brain damage inflicted in the act of having "fun" with this suspect vintage toy.
Back in the day, you played with this thing once and you were addicted. Play with it over and over again and neck injuries ensued.
Then upper back problems followed.
Spinal deformation began to appear next.
Hip pain and inexplicable numbness slowly became evident.
Later? Death. Yeah ... it's all fun and games until some kid croaks. So The Unbelievables enlisted their buddy "Sfez" (one of our cadre of informants) to put together a little piece to showcase some of the dangers of the Swing Wing.
The finished product was disseminated on national television with just about every major network on board with its distribution. "The parents need to know what this thing does!" they cried.
Quicker than you can say "cervical fracture" the Swing Wing disappeared from store shelves.
Because ... no parent should have to lose a child to something like this. It's not just criminals, ne'er-do-wells and thugs The Unbelievables rid the world of. We do our duty for the common good and for the future of humanity: The children. Once again: World? You're welcome ...
Remember when you were a kid and there were certain dubious ads in the back pages of your comic books? No, I don't mean that kind of dubious. I mean the ones that promised amazing things, things that every young person would crave, but when you sent in your money and received your package 4 to 6 weeks later, you soon found out that the people selling these things were crooks. Con men. Full of horse pucky. You know the sort of thing I mean. Here's an example...
Ever wish you could see through walls? Or ladies clothes? (Hello, ladies!!) Or men's clothes, if you're so inclined? Well, for a measly buck you can have X-ray vision! All you have to do, says the ad, is buy these special X-ray glasses and you can let your inner creepy perv out to play. Also, you'll be in demand from local hospitals and doctors for your ability to diagnose people at a glance. However,the reality is this. You wait six to eight weeks for that cheery knock on the front door only to find out that these X-ray glasses did not in fact use real X-rays (which is good, because if they did, there'd be people walking around everywhere with massive head tumours)and wouldn't let you see through anything. In fact, you could barely see through the tiny hole in the center. These X-ray specs consisted of two bits of cardboard with a piece of tracing paper between them to blur your vision, causing two slightly offset images which gives the illusion of an X-ray. In other words they give you blurred vision, which you could already get for free by merely squinting. Here's another timeworn example...
A machine that turns plain ordinary paper into cold hard cash, simply by turning a knob. Sounds good. Sounds incredible. Sounds highly illegal. But even if it is illegal, you're just a kid, right? You'll never do any porridge. Besides, by the time they cotton onto your counterfeit operations you'll be filthy rich and can afford a top-flight defence team. So why worry? You have to put money in it first. I mean, sure... it looks like paper is going in and coming out as money but it's all a farrago. The only way you'll make money with this thing is to sell it to some other sucker and then move to Alaska. One more...
Tired of being a shrimp? Everybody knows tall people get more girls and better jobs. But body-lengthening surgery is a tad pricey, so why not invest $1.98 and get a pair of "liftee" height-increasing pads.
Yes, they're just wedges you put in your shoes. I mean, OK, according to the picture in the ad they'll make you an incredible eight inches taller, but you will feel like this...
Another question that arises is the slightly odd promise of 'romance' occurring once you start wearing these. But what happens when you take the girl home and take your shoes off? Buddy, you'd better have something else with which to impress the lady. Like an amazing six-pack or an MBE or fat piles of cash from your money-making machine. Then there's the claim that you'll "Find and qualify for the best jobs". I can just see that scenario. "Well, you've flunked out of three schools, been expelled from five and you've never passed a single exam, however, you are extremely tall. Congratulations, you're our new attorney-at-law." Anyway, as I was saying, you almost never see these kinds of ads anymore, and do you want to know why? We've been slowly but surely eradicating them. Oh yes. You didn't think they'd disappear by themselves, did you? You're welcome, world. Michael and Clark will clue you in on some more of our covert ops later in the week.
I don't have much to add with the two of them having worked that history to a froth.
But ...
... there are a couple they left out I'll mention ...
Trust
me: It wasn't bingo. It was an innocent game of Twister during last
year's gala after New Year's shindig we threw for a few friends and
associates. (Hokay ... it was a "clothing optional" game of Twister,
truth be told.) But look what they did: Some yahoo took a consensual
party game and turned it into some heinous fabrication involving
addiction, prostitution and personal loss. *yeesh*
Where they come up with this stuff I haven't a clue. Talk about imagination ...
Now, this one ... well ... there's a lot of truth to "Rat In The Skull." Rog Phillips' story was pretty much dead on. Eerie and hair-raising, too. Rog is an acquaintance of ours and caught wind of the idea from a brain-shaped Jello mold we had lying around as we were preparing to decorate the Unbelieva-Base for Halloween some years ago.
The after story of the entire ordeal is this: Someone at the ASPCA eyed an old copy of "If Science Fiction" at a thrift store and decided to use it as a company-wide agenda on the cruelty to animals. Huh, buoy.
But the thing is: 1) They're just rats and they're pretty disgusting creatures, and; 2) No rats were harmed in the least. Because it was all completely fabricated! When someone wants to take off and run with something, you better have your best sneakers at the ready.
