Playing By The Rules, With Odd-Shaped Balls

Well, the guys have expounded at length regarding the game of Unbelievaball. In fact, they've said so much about the game and how it should be played in a gentlemanly rather than violent fashion, how there are three teams rather than two, and generally every other aspect save how the game is played. Yes, the rules. 

The rules are fiendishly simple, yet simply fiendish.

As you know, there are three teams of three. Let me use a simple diagram to illustrate the layout of said game.

As you may expect, in a game with three teams, there are three sides to the pitch. In the center of the pitch is a large circular "goal", itself divided into three sections. 

The players stand as illustrated - two at either end of the "home line" and the third defending their section of the goal.

The ball itself is deliberately odd-shaped.

It may only be handled with the hands, head, chest, elbows, knees or groin. No kicking is allowed.

GAME PLAY

As you might expect, the game has three periods which are called "thirds" (duh). Each third is thirteen minutes long.

At the beginning of the game, the first shot is made by the team that wins a tournament of rock/paper/scissors.  The first shot is made by the person on the left side of the "homeline".

The objective is to deposit the ball safely in one of your opponents' goal sections, scoring you one point. However, as game play progresses, if one team seems to have a larger-than-normal advantage in the scoring stakes, the other two teams may decide to 'gang up' on them and work together to block their shots. This is made all the more difficult as gameplay progresses, due largely to the requirement to take a drink after each goal is scored, as well as the fact that 'goalies' can only use the backs of their hands to deflect the ball. Also, goalies are expressly forbidden to knock the ball into the opposing goals themselves - only the two players on the "homeline" are allowed to score. If a goalie knocks it in, it is disallowed unless they accidentally score an 'own goal'.

Between each 'third', teams are required to down at least two cocktails before resuming gameplay. Also, players are required to rotate between thirds so that every player gets a turn in each position. 

Also, trash talking is completely forbidden. Instead, withering sarcasm and dry wit are used.

At the end of the third 'third', the winner is obviously the one with the most points, as long as they can still say 'rubber baby buggy bumpers' six times fast. In the event that they can't, the winner is the one who looks better in slacks.

After the game, all players must strip off and head to the hot tub.

Move aside, Quidditch.

Dr. Q and His Words Of Wisdom

"Later this week, my cohorts will regale you with tales of their own regarding their interactions with the incredible Dr. Quitit."

                                                 --Clark, Monday

Personally, I've never felt the need for Dr. Quitit's services. Well, almost never.

There was one occasion.

I'm a little reluctant to talk about it now, as I'm still not 100% happy with the way things turned out. Here's the conversation I had with him...

ME: "Well, Doc, the other day we three Unbelievables were having a little shindig at our place, you know the sort of thing - music, girls, petit fours, naked Twister - just the usual sort of event we are used to hosting.

After a while, one of the others (probably Michael, but I can't be sure) suggested we fire up the old hot tub and take the party outdoors.

Everything was going fine for a while, and truth be told, the weather had grown decidedly chilly. However, none of us had noticed it because we were sitting in lovely warm water. 

I noticed our drinks tray was empty and, instead of getting out of the tub myself and going to the kitchen, I leaned over to my companion, the lovely Miss Penny Pound-Sterling, heiress to the Cillit Bang millions, 

and said, "I say, sweetheart, would you mind awfully replenishing the beverages?". She agreed, and stepped out of the tub.

"Ooh, it's very chilly all of a sudden," she said. "I'd better be quick.", and picking up the tray, she headed indoors. When she returned presently with the drinks, she suddenly said, "Oo-er, I do feel a bit strange, you know...." and keeled over onto the floor, shivering and surrounded by spilled bevvies.

We jumped out of the tub, and I rushed to Penny's side while the others all sensibly went inside (it was quite cold, which was very unusual for the time of year). I picked up Penny and quickly followed the others, placed the hapless girl on the sofa and gathered some blankets to warm her up. After a while she came round and we put her to bed with a nice thick duvet, a mug of Ovaltine and the soothing strains of Herb Alpert and his Tijuana Brass on the stereo.

The next morning we went to check on her and she appeared fine, aside from a mild sniffle."

DR. QUITIT: "And..?"

ME: "That should have been me! I blame myself for the whole thing!"

DR. Q: "I'm sorry, what??"

ME: "If I hadn't been so darn selfish, I'd have gotten those drinks myself and then I'd have collapsed and gotten a sniffle! I'm racked with guilt! I put that poor girl's life in danger purely because I was too lazy to get out of the hot tub! Oh, woe is me! I am such a heel! Why oh why oh why oh why..(blubbering uncontrollably)...boo hooooo!"

DR. Q: "Now now, Jeff, don't blame yourself. You weren't to know that the weather would change, were you?"

ME: "(sniff, sniff) No, I guess not..."

DR. Q: "And you didn't know that the drinks were going to run out right at the exact moment the weather changed, did you?"

ME: "Well..(sniff).. no..."

DR. Q: "And Penny is alright now, isn't she?"

ME: "Uh... er, yeah."

DR. Q: "So, there you are, then. Nothing to worry about. All's well that ends well. Chin up, Jeff. Nothing is your fault. No need to blame yourself, or anyone else for that matter."

ME: "Really? Well, thanks, Doc. Cheerio! Pip pip and all that!"


So there we are. Some handy words of advice, and I was as right as ninepence. And I've never needed to seek his counsel again, but I have held those words of his close to my heart. A motto, if you will. Anytime I feel self-doubt creeping in, I remember his words of wisdom.


"Chin up, Jeff. Nothing is your fault. No need to blame yourself..."

And Penny? Well, oddly enough she dumped me soon after. But it's alright, because nothing is my fault and there is no need for me to blame myself.