Cured ... But With Side Effects

The question is this: Do we, The Unbelievables, each of us individually ... do we really need some measure of therapy?

When you're in a position of authority as we are, doling out justice and common sense to the senseless as we often do, when you find yourself in a sometimes precarious and delicate decision-making mode, the answer is yes ... yes we do. On occasion. Much as we might not want to admit it to ourselves.

After all, as Clark mentioned earlier this week, no matter the kind of reader you may be of our adventures (and non-adventures) we have recurring themes.

Mine? Duh. Pantslessness. As if you didn't already know.

Personally, I've never had a problem with it. But when my two cohorts and I first purchased and modified and, finally, housed ourselves permanently at our Unbelieva-Base in Stiletto Flats, Nevada it was, well ... a bit of an "issue" for them.

I'll spare you the details but it came down to this: "Michael ... Jeff and I have buried our pride long enough to session with the brilliant Dr. Quinton Quitit. We think it's time you had a chat with him as well ..."

Understand, I love the guys. So, to keep the camaraderie high and continuous, I relented. It was off to Bedrest, New Hampshire for "a talk."

It went a bit like this (which, you might recognize, was uncannily similar to Clark's original session visit):

QQ: Hello Michael. It's nice to see you. I'm told you are here because of a bit too little pants wearing, yes?

ME: You betcher bippy, doc. Freedom! What can I say? Ease of movement! It's not like I have defenestration issues like Clark or I find the need to shave a spud or two and concoct a murphy dish several times a week. And really ... who am I hurting? Besides ... the Unbelieva-Babes dig the cut of my jib, despite how little of a jib there may be to see*.

QQ: *heh heh heh* As it is to us all, Michael.

ME: Really? It's not just me? You enjoy below the waist freedom as well?

QQ: Of course! Doesn't everyone? Why, it's as natural as eating, sleeping and making love.

ME: Whew! That's a relief!

QQ: The key is moderation. If you do too much of anything, it is bad. Very, very bad! Too much eating? Bad. Too much sleeping? Bad. Too much with the making of the love ... well, maybe not as bad. Ha ha! I am kidding. But ... restraint. And common sense. They're the keys to this proclivity you have, you understand. My point is this: It's like Goldilocks and The Three Bears, which very few people realize is a true story; you have to find the "just right" fit between too much and not enough.

ME: But how, Doc? How?? I really want all of us to be happy and get along but I know they're not completely on board with me running around in my skivvies 24/7 ...

QQ: You'll see soon enough. Now ... let's get you fitted for some electric nipple clamps and a pair of goggles ...

Afterward, I couldn't see or wear a shirt for a week. But I also didn't kick anyone out of windows either. (Because I don't have a problem with kicking people out of windows like Clark.)

But what I did notice was I acquired a heightened sense of awareness for actually wearing things.

For example, my love and devotion to the fantastic and stylish Lobster Rage Fist. Especially while outfitted in a tie, vest and - you guessed it - trousers.

All I have to say is this: Thanks, Dr. Quinton Quitit. You're one swell guy ...

"You're welcome."

*I wondered if he caught the not-so-subtle pants reference. He did as it turned out.

Dr. Q and His Words Of Wisdom

"Later this week, my cohorts will regale you with tales of their own regarding their interactions with the incredible Dr. Quitit."

                                                 --Clark, Monday

Personally, I've never felt the need for Dr. Quitit's services. Well, almost never.

There was one occasion.

I'm a little reluctant to talk about it now, as I'm still not 100% happy with the way things turned out. Here's the conversation I had with him...

ME: "Well, Doc, the other day we three Unbelievables were having a little shindig at our place, you know the sort of thing - music, girls, petit fours, naked Twister - just the usual sort of event we are used to hosting.

After a while, one of the others (probably Michael, but I can't be sure) suggested we fire up the old hot tub and take the party outdoors.

Everything was going fine for a while, and truth be told, the weather had grown decidedly chilly. However, none of us had noticed it because we were sitting in lovely warm water. 

I noticed our drinks tray was empty and, instead of getting out of the tub myself and going to the kitchen, I leaned over to my companion, the lovely Miss Penny Pound-Sterling, heiress to the Cillit Bang millions, 

and said, "I say, sweetheart, would you mind awfully replenishing the beverages?". She agreed, and stepped out of the tub.

"Ooh, it's very chilly all of a sudden," she said. "I'd better be quick.", and picking up the tray, she headed indoors. When she returned presently with the drinks, she suddenly said, "Oo-er, I do feel a bit strange, you know...." and keeled over onto the floor, shivering and surrounded by spilled bevvies.

We jumped out of the tub, and I rushed to Penny's side while the others all sensibly went inside (it was quite cold, which was very unusual for the time of year). I picked up Penny and quickly followed the others, placed the hapless girl on the sofa and gathered some blankets to warm her up. After a while she came round and we put her to bed with a nice thick duvet, a mug of Ovaltine and the soothing strains of Herb Alpert and his Tijuana Brass on the stereo.

The next morning we went to check on her and she appeared fine, aside from a mild sniffle."

DR. QUITIT: "And..?"

ME: "That should have been me! I blame myself for the whole thing!"

DR. Q: "I'm sorry, what??"

ME: "If I hadn't been so darn selfish, I'd have gotten those drinks myself and then I'd have collapsed and gotten a sniffle! I'm racked with guilt! I put that poor girl's life in danger purely because I was too lazy to get out of the hot tub! Oh, woe is me! I am such a heel! Why oh why oh why oh why..(blubbering uncontrollably)...boo hooooo!"

DR. Q: "Now now, Jeff, don't blame yourself. You weren't to know that the weather would change, were you?"

ME: "(sniff, sniff) No, I guess not..."

DR. Q: "And you didn't know that the drinks were going to run out right at the exact moment the weather changed, did you?"

ME: "Well..(sniff).. no..."

DR. Q: "And Penny is alright now, isn't she?"

ME: "Uh... er, yeah."

DR. Q: "So, there you are, then. Nothing to worry about. All's well that ends well. Chin up, Jeff. Nothing is your fault. No need to blame yourself, or anyone else for that matter."

ME: "Really? Well, thanks, Doc. Cheerio! Pip pip and all that!"


So there we are. Some handy words of advice, and I was as right as ninepence. And I've never needed to seek his counsel again, but I have held those words of his close to my heart. A motto, if you will. Anytime I feel self-doubt creeping in, I remember his words of wisdom.


"Chin up, Jeff. Nothing is your fault. No need to blame yourself..."

And Penny? Well, oddly enough she dumped me soon after. But it's alright, because nothing is my fault and there is no need for me to blame myself.

Unbelievably therapeutic therapy

Long-time or short-time or brand-new or recently-deceased readers may have noticed some recurring themes:

• Michael loves not wearing pants
• Jeff loves whipped potatoes
• I am a defenestration devotee

As such, it's entirely possible that someone could get the idea that The Unbelievables demonstrate the traits of people who might have addictive personalities.

Well, that someone is correct. But we manage it! Not only that, we use it to our advantage. 

Laser-like focus!

Now, we would love to be able to take full credit for doing that ourselves, but the truth is we have benefited from having the remarkable therapist Dr. Quinton Quitit on retainer.

Dr. Quinton Quitit
You can tell if someone is a good doctor by how much they're able to accomplish with their eyes closed.

Dr. Quitit is the brilliant mind behind the innovative and somewhat controversial S.T.A.T.E. (Stop That Already, That's Enough) method of treating addiction.

Each of us, from time to time, on an as-needed basis, have "checked in" with Dr. Quentin at his facility in Bedrest, New Hampshire.

Idyllic setting. Food's not bad either.

For example, I once found myself hiring Henri Petit lookalikes for the sole purpose of kicking them out of windows. 

Some of them didn't even resemble Petit that much at all, if I'm being honest, which I am because that's part of the healing

Jeff and Michael brought that to my attention and I went to see Dr, Quitit. Here's a transcript from that visit:

QQ: Hello Clark. It's nice to see you. I'm told you are here because of a bit too much window kicking, yes?
ME: You know it, doc. What can I say. The sound of shattering glass caused by a human body going through it is like music to me.
QQ: As it is to us all, Clark.
ME: Really? It's not just me?
QQ: Of course! Everyone loves hurling people through glass. Why, it's as natural as eating, sleeping and making love.
ME: Whew! That's a relief!
QQ: The key is moderation. If you do much of anything, it is bad. Very, very bad! Too much eating? Bad. Too much sleeping? Bad. Too much with the making of the love... well, maybe not as bad. Ha ha! I am kidding.
ME: Ha ha! I recognize that as a sex joke. I like that!
QQ: Thank you. But my point is that it's like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, which very few people realize is a true story; you have to find the "just right" fit between too much and not enough.
ME: But how, Doc? How??
QQ: You'll see soon enough. Now let's get you fitted for some electric nipple clamps and a pair of goggles.

Afterward, I couldn't see or wear a shirt for a week, but I also didn't kick too many people out of windows either. So, you know, that was pretty good.

Later this week, my cohorts will regale you with tales of their own regarding their interactions with the incredible Dr. Quitit.

(Seeking help for mental health issues is not a laughing matter, unless it's a made-up [fake] story about yourself and involves electroshocking your nipples. Then it can be kind of amusing. But if you or somebody you know actually needs assistance with a real-life situation, this is a good place to start: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help/index.shtml)