Trouser Trouble

You've seen it instance after instance after instance: I rarely wear clothing from the waist down.

Ever wonder why?

No ... it's not because I'm a closet nudist. (Though, there is something to be said for the freedom one maintains in so being.)

The reason is because I used to have a major problem with trousers. Just as Clark and Jeff have confessed theirs, "chino collecting" used to be my personal accounting free-for-all.

I got jacked over jodhpurs. I couldn't say "No!" to corduroy. I died for the denim. And I looked chill in the chaps ... and I knew it.

Slacks simply "did it" for me. And I bought them by the ton. 

I'd plunk down a grand easily for a pair of Earnest Sewn Custom Fits without a second thought ...

Come on: Who wouldn't?

Truth be told, I couldn't purchase just a single pair. Half a dozen was the least amount I could walk out the door without feeling slighted.

In dressier moods, a go-to slack would be my beloved Santorelli "Luxury Serge" Double Pleated Wool Trousers.

Yeah ... these babies make me look  g o o d  ...

And those front wools ... HELLO!
 

Comfort and good looks. Woof ...

I could go on and on and on.

And on.

So ... what's a guy to do?

I'll tell you what a trouser glutton like me did: I went cold turkey. 

"Michael ... you're out of control tops ..." my accountant told me one day. "See what I did there? I tried easing into it by cracking wise ..."

"I'm not amused," I responded.

"Seriously," he straightened and looked sternly at me. "Your slack purchasing mannerisms end TODAY. It's criminal how much you spend on pants, unconscionable. You can't possibly wear that many in any given week. It's left no room for anything you actually need like food, gas, beach volleyball magazine subscriptions. Think man: How will you amount to anything but a one good looking dude in Loro Piana Cashmere without a dime to his name?"

He had a point.

"I'm going to give it to you straight ... and this is in no way meant to be a come on: You'd 'have it going on' even if you didn't wear pants. And you'd have a whole lot more pocket change, too. Just without any pockets to put the change in ..."

I wasn't convinced. 

But he showed me the numbers, he spread the spread sheets before me and proved his point in glaring detail.

Numbers don't lie.

So I made a decision before walking out of his office: I went cold turkey on the trousers. I doffed my drawers, right then and there, and took the plunge so to speak.

"What the hell are you doing?!?" my account cried out, surprised.

"If I'm going to do this, I need to start now," I reasoned.

"Dude ... *yeesh* ... at least keep your underwear on so you don't get arrested for indecent exposure ..." he suggested.

And then? After "adjusting" as it were, I walked out that office in nothing but boxer briefs from the waist down, my trousers left on his office floor.

And I must admit: I'm a better man for it today.

Now ... I'm not the complete fool. I wear slacks when the occasion calls for it. I'm not some weirdo, after all.

But I realized an important lesson that day: I had just as much confidence out of pants as I did in them.
 

After all ...when you fight crime? You have to be confident.

Confident Calm Personified

Even when our sweaters get pilled (and believe me: I do enjoy wearing the fashionable sweater ... usually without trousers) The Unbelievables stay cool.

Our efforts to get people confident enough to sleep peacefully at night? No matter the blood, sweat and tears we put in, we remain confident the job will get done.

The evil that abounds in the night (and the day and the afternoon and around tea time)? We're on board in our very confidence, knowing full well our joined efforts will win out in the end.

Even when something important may be missing,
I have no fear and my confidence is not shaken.
As Clark previously mentioned: The world isn't as hunky dory as everyone would like to believe.

Bees, bears and beer snobs (stupid beer snobs) do exist. And, at any time, those delightful unicorn and rainbow-bright carefree feelings can change at the drop of a hat. But that doesn't mean you need spend the day in a Debbie Downer frame of mind.

Now ... I'm not at all on board with my compatriot's "flier campaign" aimed at reassuring everyone "everything's gonna be all right." Why? Because anyone can toss an image and a snappy saying on a piece of paper, add some primary colors to make it stand out, enlarge it to overwhelming billboard-size and put it in plain sight of the viewing masses. But that's not going to convince everyone every little thing will fall into place.

Failed Unbelievable-wannabe Chuck Norris isn't gonna do it. Hopeful positivity put on display isn't going to calm genuine fears. Not even the spiffy "Stop It!" Bob Newhart video is going to do the trick 100% of the time:

(Granted: That video should allay fears and phobias ... but it's not a fool-proof methodology.)

And while the latest and greatest "Keep Calm" campaign that's been making the rounds of late is all the rage on bus stop kiosks, posters and T-shirts, I'm doubtful Jeff's good intentions will cool peoples' jets.

You know what's going to do it that my fellow Unbelievables have missed? An image that boasts assuredness. An image that exudes well being and confidence. Something so amazingly brilliant you can't help but be surrounded by a bubble of calm, causing all your fears to melt to nothingness. 

And I have just the image that will accomplish the task. Even my Unbelieva-Buddies will immediately pick up on its obviousness.

And so will you, Unbelievable friends, fans and followers.

No caption required:

Yep. The Unbelievables are on the job. No need to worry.

You're welcome.

And spread the word.