What to do, what to do?

This is not the first time one of us has gone missing. I'm pretty sure it won't be the last. As such, we have two established protocols in place for when it happens. The hard part being, which one to use?

• PLAN A: Go get him (whomever the 'him' is)
• PLAN B: Wait for him to come home

PLAN A - Pros:

• Gets us out of the house
• Usually resolves the situation quickly

PLAN A - Cons:

• Lots and lots of detective work
• Might not even be a dangerous situation
• Gas prices

PLAN B - Pros:

• Allows us to stay planted on the couch
• The couch is super-comfy

PLAN B - Cons:

• Might be an extremely dangerous situation
• Somebody might die

So, what are we going to do?

That's an excellent question.

Jeff Didn't Tell Us He'd Be On Assignment ...

... Wednesday at The Unbelieva-Base ...

"Clark ... have you seen this?"

"What?"

"This note from Jeff. Well ... it's not a note exactly. It's a telegram ..."

"From Jeff?"

"Yep."

"Who sends telegrams anymore?"

"Jeff, apparently. But ... the weird thing is it's written as if it were addressed to the general public."

"How do you mean?"

"It says 'Hi folks ... Jeff here' ... and then it says he's on a 'secret mission' and the details will be revealed next week ..."

"Damn. That's really weird. And you say it's from Jeff?"

"Yep ..."

"Sounds fishy."

"You're telling me. A bit loosey goosey if you ask me."

"Kind of like when you answer the door without pants ..."

What's The Points?

Speaking as the most physically strong, athletic and powerful of us three guys, yet the least sport-oriented, I can honestly say that I didn't even think that "fantasy sports" was even a thing until the guys clued me in. In truth, I still don't understand what the attraction is. However, since it is an actual thing that people, regular human beings, participate in and, in our case, actually do play as either me, Michael or Clark (or even Kip), I am willing to not be persnickety and holier-than-thou about it and to just live and let live. In the spirit of the thing, I am going to tell you about some of the points that may be scored by you, the player, were you to play in the guise of Jeff the Unbelievable.

Pose casually on the hood of your motor: 25 points

Bonus points for rockin' a cool bit of knitwear: 150 points

During a car chase, smash into a pile of boxes and assorted garbage: 35 points
If you can also hit a market stall, sending fruit and vegetables everywhere yet miraculously missing any people, 100 points.
If a truck backs out of an alley while you are involved in the car chase, momentarily causing you to swerve wildly, almost lose control  and then catch up to the 'perp': 500 points.
If the truck backs out of the alley while YOU are being chased, causing the 'perp' to swerve wildly and end up in the river: 1000 points.

Face down a bunch of baddies in an abandoned warehouse: 25 points per baddie.

Host a hot tub party: 30 points

Look stylish on the job: 20 points
Left to right: Michael, me, Clark

Rock a pair of flared slacks and a cravat: 15 points
Left to right: Me, Clark, Michael

Have some Unbelievababes over for Cocktail Hour: 23 points. Bonus points for dickie-bows.

Eat a donut out of a brown paper bag for that gritty realism: 10 points

Michael will tell you all about his point rankings etc. on Friday.

Confident Calm Personified

Even when our sweaters get pilled (and believe me: I do enjoy wearing the fashionable sweater ... usually without trousers) The Unbelievables stay cool.

Our efforts to get people confident enough to sleep peacefully at night? No matter the blood, sweat and tears we put in, we remain confident the job will get done.

The evil that abounds in the night (and the day and the afternoon and around tea time)? We're on board in our very confidence, knowing full well our joined efforts will win out in the end.

Even when something important may be missing,
I have no fear and my confidence is not shaken.
As Clark previously mentioned: The world isn't as hunky dory as everyone would like to believe.

Bees, bears and beer snobs (stupid beer snobs) do exist. And, at any time, those delightful unicorn and rainbow-bright carefree feelings can change at the drop of a hat. But that doesn't mean you need spend the day in a Debbie Downer frame of mind.

Now ... I'm not at all on board with my compatriot's "flier campaign" aimed at reassuring everyone "everything's gonna be all right." Why? Because anyone can toss an image and a snappy saying on a piece of paper, add some primary colors to make it stand out, enlarge it to overwhelming billboard-size and put it in plain sight of the viewing masses. But that's not going to convince everyone every little thing will fall into place.

Failed Unbelievable-wannabe Chuck Norris isn't gonna do it. Hopeful positivity put on display isn't going to calm genuine fears. Not even the spiffy "Stop It!" Bob Newhart video is going to do the trick 100% of the time:

(Granted: That video should allay fears and phobias ... but it's not a fool-proof methodology.)

And while the latest and greatest "Keep Calm" campaign that's been making the rounds of late is all the rage on bus stop kiosks, posters and T-shirts, I'm doubtful Jeff's good intentions will cool peoples' jets.

You know what's going to do it that my fellow Unbelievables have missed? An image that boasts assuredness. An image that exudes well being and confidence. Something so amazingly brilliant you can't help but be surrounded by a bubble of calm, causing all your fears to melt to nothingness. 

And I have just the image that will accomplish the task. Even my Unbelieva-Buddies will immediately pick up on its obviousness.

And so will you, Unbelievable friends, fans and followers.

No caption required:

Yep. The Unbelievables are on the job. No need to worry.

You're welcome.

And spread the word.

Party!

We DO know 'cause we've been told!
"We DO know 'cause we've been told!"
The Unbelievables' parties break the mold!
"The Unbelievables' parties break the mold!"

Food and drink and so much more! 

"Food and drink and so much more!"

Their parties are the stuff of lore!

"Their parties are the stuff of lore!"

Unbelieva-Babes at every turn!
"Unbelieva-Babes at every turn!"
They'll dance your socks off, this you'll learn! 
"They'll dance your socks off, this you'll learn!" 

Party tunes to rock the house! 

"Party tunes to rock the house!"

Loose that tie! Ease up that blouse! 

"Loose that tie! Ease up that blouse!" 

Corn maze, cider, pumpkin pie! 
"Corn maze, cider, pumpkin pie!" 
Hay rides so high you can touch the sky! 
"Hay rides so high you can touch the sky!"

Jokes and laughter rule the night! 

"Jokes and laughter rule the night!" 

There's nothing that they can't do right! 

"There's nothing that they can't do right!" 

An invitation in hand's a must! 
"An invitation in hand's a must!"
Else you'll be left in the dust! 
"Else you'll be left in the dust!"

Criminals, adversaries, the ne'er-do-well

"Criminals, adversaries, the ne'er-do-well" 

Ain't invited! They can go to hell! 

"Ain't invited! They can go to hell!" 

All the chickadees, all the cool cats! 
"All the chickadees, all the cool cats!" 
Will be congregatin' in Stilleto Flats! 
"Will be congregatin' in Stilleto Flats!"

They'll pass out lampshades for your head! 

"They'll pass out lampshades for your head!"

 And play twister! Left hand ... RED!

"And play Twister! Left hand ... RED!"

"Hello, Ladies!" is how they'll greet
"'Hello, Ladies!' is how they'll greet"
All the gals they're sure to meet!
"All the gals they're sure to meet!"

Pictures sittin' in Clark's Corvette!

"Pictures sittin' in Clark's Corvette!"

 With an Unbelieva-babe co-piloting, you can bet!

"With an Unbelieva-babe co-piloting you can bet!"

It's a given there'll be canapes! 
"It's a given there'll be canapes!" 
Made with their special recipes! 
"Made with their special recipes!" 

The drinks will flow, the laughter oh so gay! 

"The drinks will flow, the laughter oh so gay!"

What's that? Another Manhattan, you say? 

"What's that? Another Manhattan, you say?"

Their groovy tunes you can be assured 
"Their groovy tunes you can be assured"
Will be nothing like you've ever heard!
"Will be nothing like you've ever heard!"

And if the party's Tuesday night 

"And if the party's Tuesday night"

Jeff's whipped potatoes will be outta sight!

"Jeff's whipped potatoes will be outta sight!"

  

Sittin' on Naugahyde near curtains of bead 
"Sittin' on Naugahyde near curtains of bead"
A 70s theme will make the night! Indeed!
"A 70s theme will make the night! Indeed!"
  

And best of all, come the midnight stroke 

"And best of all, come the midnight stroke"

Michael will doff trou! That crazy bloke!

"Michael will doff trou! That crazy bloke!"

Is It An Emergency? One Never Knows ...

You know ... for my money, days like today are what turn my crank. Fall has arrived, you can feel there's a definite turn in the weather and all seems right with the world.

And because of that, right here and right now, I get the opportunity to alter the path of the spotlight that's usually shining down on me (*heheheheheheheh*) and direct it to my two more-than-capable colleagues, Jeff and Clark.

Here's the deal:

I got an emergency message early this morning from a fan of The Unbelievables. Jeff and Clark don't even know about it ... and they won't until they read it here on the site. The message was this:

Dear Unbelievables:

What the hell is the deal with the inclusion of "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" in the film Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid ... ??? It must be the most singularly stupid insertion in all of filmdom - it doesn't make sense in the movie and it has no place being in it. I know the film is from the late 60s and it probably doesn't mean squat when it comes to the whys and wherefors of it being inserted in that Newman / Redford vehicle, but, somehow, I feel there's a story to be told there with a hint of evil being afoot.

Can you guys find out what the story is behind this and get back to me by Friday? It just so happens I have a bet with a fellow employee about it. He bet me The Unbelievables couldn't crack this particular case in under a week. I'm betting you can.

Do me proud.

Jacob

I may have something to say about this down the line, but for now I'm leaving the mystery of this B.J. Thomas / Burt Bacharach co-penned easy listener in the hands of my buddies.

Take it away, boys ...