Send in us to get those clowns

"Fortunately, The Unbelievables know how to deal with these types of weirdos ..." - Michael, here, Monday

Yes, yes we do.
In fact, this group reminds me of a similar outfit that went around causing mayhem for no good reason than their own entertainment that we dealt with just about a year ago: The Leapers.

Remember these obnoxious buffoons?

The SILLYs (Society of Idiotic Ludicrous and Laughable Yucksters) might see a tad more menacing, due to America's current obsession with scary clowns that is almost certainly a massive hoax and the popularity of a certain unkillable GC Comics/Movies villain.

Different versions of The Jokester, arch-nemesis of Flying Rodent Man

Other than that, they're basically the same. Goofballs whose idea of a good time is putting on outfits and running around like a bunch of idiots, trying to ruin everybody else's good times. And the way we brought The Leapers back to earth (heh!) was building a trap. It worked then, no reason it won't work this time.

The question remains, what kind of trap will we use to round up The SILLYs?
Jeff will have your answer Friday!

Intelligence Is Smart

"I'm sure the guys will have more stories of unusual methods of capture later in the week" Jeff mentioned.

And we do.

Of course, there are the elaborate methods and schemes and day's-long planning sessions we belabor to add just the right touch to capture and incarcerate some of the bad guys we tussle with.

But there are also times when some of the simplest procedures are employed. And they work just as effectively.

And that's when we turn to this:

Yes ... I'm talking about the encyclopedia of time-tested practices, The Acme Catalog.

Really, it's one of the true joys of being an Unbelievable. 

Clark, Jeff and I pride ourselves on coming up with innovative ways to capture villains. (Unbelieva-Fu® anyone?)

But, sometimes, I rather enjoy the tried and true systems one finds in the book (which have been in place for decades, mind you.) After all, it's kind of hard to improve on perfection.

If you've never seen The Acme Catalog, let me give you a little primer on some of the things to be found therein ...

Basic overall strategies anyone can use ...

Handy, easy-to-read (and printable!) schematics of all their inventory ...

Color illustrations and product photos ...

... and actual video screen grabs showing many of Acme's products to help aid you in choosing just the right item to foil any hardened ne'er-do-well.

Truly, it doesn't get much easier than that.

Still, there are doubters:

"But Michael ... doesn't it verge on the side of cheating to employ Acme's plans and products to capture your foes? Aren't you afraid of someone pointing out you're taking the easy way out using some of this stuff?"

Heck no! Just the contrary! Why waste your time reinventing the wheel when it's already at your disposal? That's why Acme puts out their catalog in the first place.

Quality products, easy accessibility, fast shipping ... and you're contributing to the economy, too! Plus, don't forget a money back guarantee if not delighted. Sound like a "win-win" to you? You bet! You know why? Because it is!

(Besides ... chicks dig it when guys use their natural smarts. "Cerebral" is sexy you know.)

Acme: Just part of what makes The Unbelievables ... well ... unbelievable.*

*No endorsements were negotiated or coerced from The Unbelievables on behalf of Acme or its products for profit or personal gain. Female notice and appreciation (and any subsequent benefits thereof) which may be derived from Acme product use is in no way implied or guaranteed. Your results may vary.
 

Leap Day Lunacy

You recall a little earlier in the year we discussed that group of lame-o wannabe criminals known as The Leapers? The bunch of Crash Bandicoot-obsessed Aussie ex-athletes who cause mayhem once every four years? Well, in case you were wondering, we are prepared for them. We've gone and acquired ourselves this little custom-made beauty...

a bunch of controllers...

and a ton of Crash Bandicoot games.

And we set them up like this...

Fig. 1: Just a simple mock-up, but you get the idea. It really will be this easy. The Leapers are not the brightest bulbs in the lamps department. You could strangle them with a cordless phone, you know what I'm saying?

There have been many other instances of catching criminals in the past where the simplest and sometimes silliest-sounding solution  has been the best approach. 

We once had to track down and capture the Small Faces (don't ask why, it would take too long). Simple yet nutty solution? One of those late 60s globe chairs that were kicking about ten-a-penny.

Serial hugger Stacie Contrapuntal was ensnared easily by the use of a fake spangly snake.

Fur filching Fannie Firenza was the problem - Clark and myself with stockings over our heads was the solution.

And The Small Faces - again - were captured with the aid of an oversized comedy overcoat.

I'm sure the guys will have more stories of unusual methods of capture later in the week.

Leap Of The Lame

"Perhaps Michael can unearth some more info about them on Friday."

And "unearth" some more info I did. Reluctantly.

Let me explain ...

The Leapers aren't your ordinary ne'er do wells as you've read. Leaping about? Appearing only every 4 years as Leap Year's Day approaches? What idiocy is that, anyway?

And, truth be told, they're not that adept at thievery or as baddies. As Clark stated, they're "more a gaggle of annoying boobs" than anything else.

But, pain that it may be, we're called upon to quash their antics every election year like clockwork. It's really not that hard.

We find them, they get excited at our appearance, they get more agitated than usual, they do more leaping than usual and we nab them in mid leap. There's not much they can do about it. Easy, peasy.

But ... that "unearthing" I mentioned above ...

It seems the lot of them are from Down Under, I discovered. We didn't know this until recently. They neatly and effectively masked their Aussie accents for some reason -- we just assumed they were from somewhere in the states.

Anyway, some of my sleuthiness revealed they almost worship the Sony PlayStation character Crash Bandicoot. Their logic? Crash was continuously leaping about and crashing into stuff. In the case of the original game he was developed for, Crash "crashed" into crates releasing puzzle pieces to solve puzzles. There was more crashing than leaping, but the leaping part of the character stuck with The Leapers. (Because ... would you believe a gang of sub-par villains named "The Crashers" ... ??? Sounds more like they break into residences and pass out cold 'til morning.)

Thus, the somewhat perplexing origin of The Leapers, such that it is. I know, pretty lame. But what are you going to do? We don't give bad guys their names, they didn't give us ours. (Which, incidentally, is a pretty badass moniker for a top-notch crime fighting team.)

In many ways? The Leapers are a sad, sorry excuse for thugs. Dumb as Henri Petit is, at least he's got some skills. As "nice" as Negative Charge ("Master Of Electricity") is, he sports a menacing computer monitor for a head. The Leapers? They leap. And commit simple thievery, what they believe is the condolence prize for their inability to make it as premiere athletes. Wow.

And there you have it. *yawn* Now? We need to skedaddle and go monitor what those dolts are up to. Life may not always be glamorous as an Unbelievable ... but ...

Wait ... what? Am I goofy?!? Life as an Unbelievable is kick ass! We wouldn't want it any other way!

Weekend? And Unbelieva-Babes? Here we come ... !!!

Failure To Leap

The big problem I have with the Leapers is that their activities, while named after the Leap Year, have nothing to do with the calendar event at all, save the fact that they only start their mini crime waves around the time of the Leap Month (February) and more specifically, the Leap Day (Feb. 29th). 

Similarly, the Leap Year (or, as I prefer to call it, the bissextile year) has nothing to do with leaping per se. The name springs from the fact that while a fixed date in the Gregorian calendar normally advances one day of the week from one year to the next, the day of the week in a leap year will advance two days (from March onwards) due to the extra day added at the end of February (thus "leaping over" one of the days in the week. 

So basically, the Leapers are just a bunch of criminals who like to jump around, and are only active once every four years.

What else happens only once every four years?

The Olympic Games.

On a Leap Year, in fact.

So could it be that the Leapers are in fact a group of disgruntled ex-Olympians? 

No.

They are a group of disgruntled ex-athletes who never quite made the cut for their country's Olympic team, and have been seething about it ever since.

So deep is their anger over being snubbed by their coaches and Olympic selectors, they have decided to wreak revenge in Olympic years only.


After doing a little digging, I discovered some of their identities.

Larry McGarrigle, failed hurdler...

Lester Square, high jump pratfalls his speciality.

Lewis N. Hyland, not much cop at high jump either.

Lionel Flair, equally talented.

Louis Banzai, long jump cock-ups on request.

As you can see from the file photos I have been able to find, the Leapers were clearly passed over by their country's Team Selection Committees with good reason. It seems, however, that the Leapers themselves are clearly deluded as to the extent of their abilities and now hold a grudge. 

However, why they choose Olympic Years to commit small-time larceny is still a mystery. Perhaps Michael can unearth some more info about them on Friday.

(Don't) Fear... The Leapers!

Every four years, we experience what is known as Leap Year: the insertion of an extra day into the calendar so that over time, Halloween doesn't eventually fall on Valentines Day, baseball season doesn't begin in November and volcanoes don't explode in Manhattan.
Also, every four years, we deal with these clowns...

The Leapers

Less a gang of criminals and more a gaggle of annoying boobs, The Leapers are dormant for four years between crime waves. It's not like we don't know (and dread) their arrival, but because of what is obviously a deep-seated desire for attention, they always feel the need to warn us anyway.

"Dear Unbelievables,The time of The Leapers is almost nigh! Try to stop us if you dare!! Or if you feel like it (please try to stop us; we bought new outfits and everything this year).Leapity leap leap leap!Sincerely,Larry, Louis, Leonard, Lewis, Lester, Larry (a different one) and Lionel"

Their thing is that they run around and leap. That's it. They leap while robbing banks. They leap when they kidnap an heiress. They leap when they jaywalk (see illustration above). That's it. Standard, garden variety criminals who jump up and down. As such, they're very easy to capture; just let them launch themselves upward and wait for them to come back down, because of gravity. Still, they are criminals. Relatively harmless and silly criminals, but criminals none the less. As such, we're obligated to stop them.

They won't start really acting up until February (Leap Month) 29th (Leap Day), but we need to get ready for them.

Jeff and Michael will share more info later this week.