Kip By Name, Kip By Nature

So, before I start, I should just let everyone know that Kip has been found alive and well. The reason I say this at the beginning of the post is because we have had various communiques from worried female fans (who knew?) who were concerned that their favourite mail boy was in a desperate and dire situation. I'm not even kidding. Check this out:

Dear Unbelievables,

What's happened to Kip? I hope you have found that sweet boy with the angelic face. I've been so worried! He is my favourite! I've even decorated the inside of my school locker with some fabbo Kip pix so I can look at his sweet face all the time! He's dreamy (etc.etc., it goes on at some length regarding some sort of Kip-shrine, you get the idea...)
yours,
Sheena Ribeena, Kip's #1 fan

She even included a photo.

Be that as it may, we were tipped off to his location yesterday by the sound of loud snoring emanating from behind one of the filing cabinets in his mailroom. We investigated further and discovered, pulling out the filing cabinet, a secret doorway (who knew?) to his own private alcove, replete with comfy hammock, coffeemaker, alarm clock, toaster and mini-fridge, not to mention a small chest of drawers and a portable shower. In the hammock lay Kip, snoozing merrily away nineteen to the dozen. We gently woke him (well, Clark tried to shove him out of his hammock), and once he was conscious and coherent, we peppered him with questions.

Turns out that after going to Petit's gaff and rigging those retractable wheels on to the Hacktivator, he was exhausted. In that situation, he saw fit to use the secret napping house (his words, not ours) that he had made for himself behind the filing cabinet, and sleep. For days and days.

Now, you may be aware that I am the only one of the Unbelievables that is from the UK. And you may not know that in certain parts of Britain, such as the South-East where I grew up, there is a slang term for taking a nap, which is "to have a kip".

You could almost see the lightbulb go on inside my mind and shine out through my eye sockets!
"Kip," I said, incredulous, "are you of English extraction?"

"Yes," he replied. "How did you know?"

"Your parents were wise folks, naming you after your favourite pastime, eh?"

Kip said nothing, but he just fixed me with that steady gaze and I swear I saw a twinkle in his eye.

A Very Simple Revenge

Look! It's a portrait of a someone who's not such a genius after all ...

And the really funny thing about the entire Petit "takeover" is this:

You've no doubt heard the term "Revenge is a dish best served cold" ... right? Well, we've got a little revenge planned. The midgety twit won't know what to make of our latest shenanigans we've instigated to his Hacktivator monstrosity.

We enlisted Kip The Mail Boy to sneak into Petit's headquarters and install retractable rollers onto the main unit of his system along with a few "specialized modifications." The gist of it all will be the unit will unknowingly roll forward when Petit or Betsy leave the room causing the Hackivator to unplug and lose power, usually right in the middle of some important calculation or back-up maneuver.

Yep ... suddenly ... << ZONK >> ... everything simply blinks off*. How's that for genius, Petit? No viruses or other monkey business - just good, old-fashioned ingenuity.

All of us can only imagine the frustration he'll feel when he discovers what the trouble is. Because, being a minuscule, puffing little thug, Petit will have to hire someone to move equipment out of the way to eventually plug his Hacktivator back in. He's too diminutive to move it himself. And he won't know anything about the retractable rollers we had Kip put in.    
Of course, we'll activate (or "deactivate" as the case may be) our little plan over the course of the month to keep him on his toes. We even have a plan to do it during a personal call to the gravity-challenged little jerk just to hear him foster a slow burn of confused anger at the sudden shutdown of his pride and joy. We can hardly wait.

He might have hacked our blog for a few days but knowing he'll be pulling his hair out soon enough was worth the trouble.

But I'll give Petit credit where credit is due: He racked up some pretty good scores in Minesweeper that will keep me occupied during my down time ...

*Those back-up batteries Petit crowed about last week? Kip informed us they were fake props just for show. Petit has exactly zero emergency plans in the event of any power outages. 

The Nickel Tour

What do you mean "What am I still doing here?" ... ?!??

You don't listen very well.

I told you: I, Henri Petit, skilled ne'er-do-well and superior-in-every-way ultra-villain of The Unbelieva-Boobs, would be hanging around all week, mucking up my foes blog and causing various misery and mayhem for those three dolts who think they're better than me!

And here it is, Friday ... and they still haven't figured out how to foil the perfect seizure I've managed right beneath their very noses!

Bwahahahaha! Bwaaaaahahahaaaaaa!

What? What's that?

You're curious as to the photo of Betsy working diligently in my master control room at my most mechanical of wonders, The Hacktivator 2000®?

The masterpiece I built which has effectively foiled any counter-reacquisition from those Unbelieva-Dorks?

Sure. Why not? Who can blame you for wondering how the inside of a mastermind works! I don't mind giving you the nickel tour around my control room. It will serve my purposes in showing off ... and making you jealous of my superior intellect!

Bwahahahaha! Bwaaaaahahahaaaaaa!

And, because I'm such a nice guy, to make it easy for you I've numbered everything in the picture below so you can follow along ...

1. That? That's The Hacktivator 2000®'s hypermega-brain main control, quality-made to store the most bulky of information for super-fast processing and information access. (You'll also note I've created it to be used as a handy, dandy snack vending apparatus for Betsy so she doesn't have to go far when she needs an snack break. I know ... I'm a genius!)
2. The Hacktivator 2000®'s battery and back-up battery. Having a back-up? Crucial. Every evil-doer needs one.
3. Another processing mechanism. It's complicated. You wouldn't understand what it's for.
4. The filing cabinet for the detailed instructions of The Hacktivator 2000®. You know, in case there's a glitch or something when Betsy needs to look up stuff. (But that never happens ... because I designed The Hacktivator 2000®! It never gets glitches!)
5. Circuit breaker box
6. Whoops! That's a Starbuck's venti Macchiato I must have forgotten the other day. I wondered where that went ...
7. That Betsy! She loves those cute kitty posters!
8. Main control panel where Betsy carries out all my evil plans! Bwahahahaha! Bwaaaaahahahaaaaaa!
9. Only the best in comfortable seating for my employees! Real leather, too!
10. All I ever ask is for a little loyalty from those I employ. This is a stylish armband with a little picture of yours truly on it. It totally compliments the sweater she's wearing ... don't you think?
11. The Hacktivator 2000® cooling unit.
12. No smoking sign. Duh. You can't be smoking around such sensitive pieces of evil!
13. While she's the only employee I've got, Betsy still likes to liven things up with reminder notes for social events.
14. Hey, goals are important! And I require them for motivation!
15. This is the readout for The Hacktivator 2000®. It spits out detailed information about power usage, maintenance reports and other stuff. It's a useful Muzak receiver as well to keep things pleasant in an office atmosphere.
16. Ho, ho! It looks identical to The Hacktivator 2000® cooling unit to the left ... but it's actually a cleverly disguised coffee maker! Fooled you! Just like I fooled the UnbelievaJerks! Again: I'm a genius!
17. Random evil plans for later spit out by the readout (#15 above) for The Hacktivator 2000®.

And there you have it. You owe me a nickel. 

It's been fun, but I have to go and cause more trouble for those jerkface UnbelievaJokesters. See you later!

Evolution Revolution

Hello once again. It is I, the amazing Henri Petit, master villain and skilled hacker. On Monday, I told you all about the Hacktivator 2000®, the phenomenal machine I used to hack into this very blog and seize control! Bwahahahaha! Bwaaaaahahahaaaaaa! Ha. Ahem. Sorry, now, where was I?

Ah yes. The Hacktivator 2000®. This wonder of modern hack-ology was not my first hacking-capable supercomputer, no sir. In fact there were at least three earlier versions, prototypes if you will, before the Hacktivator 2000® came along. I thought it might be a bit of fun to revisit these early crime-puters (see what I did there? Bwaaahahahahaha!!) so you can see how tooled up I am and stuff. (Evil smirk). (Sorry I had to write that, there's really no way of illustrating an evil smirk. Oh, wait - perhaps there is.)

Anyway - here's the first one.

This is two of my ex- evil programmers, Lemuel "Crowbar" McShifty and Garibaldi Barlow sweating out a line or two of evil code on the EvilTron X1™. Damn thing couldn't hack so much as a Casio wristwatch. So I decided to go bigger. More processing power was needed.

Here we see the EvilTron RoomiebotX2™. As you can see, it was certainly bigger, taking up as it did the entire first floor of my lair.

Once again, there are two "experts" tending to its many knobs and valves. That looks like Henchman Paddy Oltroon on the left, and Henchman Garritov Barlovski on the right. A right pair of numpties if ever there were. And the machine was a total failure too. If anything, it was too big. The size was not the issue after all - it just needed to be more streamlined. Simplicity was the key.

Now we were getting somewhere. With Barry Garlow on the left, and Sossie Jegganchipz on the right, the Eviltronster 12™ was able to interfere with air traffic control at the local airfield. Still, it wasn't quite up to the job I had in mind for it.

So, I had to build it myself. If you want it done right, you have to do it off your own evil back. So, with the help of Betsy, my office manager (who is as strong as an ox), the Hacktivator 2000® was born! 

And now, I have control of those Unbeleivaboobs' computers! Bwaaaahahahahaahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

See you Friday.

It is I, Henri Petit, and I am in charge here!

So the mighty Unbelievables were afraid to include me in their little Q and A sessions last week. I wonder why that could be? Because they know they can't match wits with me? Because I am their superior in every meaningful way? No matter! I, the magnificent Henri Petit, world's most brilliant super criminal genius have hacked this web site and there's nothing anyone can do about it!

KNEEL BEFORE YOUR GOD (and his pet chicken)

 How did I do it? With cunning, guile and my latest computer hacking invention, the Hacktivator 2000® of course!

Betsy, my office manager (and only employee, actually) operates the master control room in my absence

With the Hacktivator 2000®, which can hack into any computer system in the universe with ease, I am now locked into the Unbelievables' system until AT LEAST Saturday. Until then, today, Wednesday and Friday, I am in complete control of this web site. No Michael and his pantsless condescension, no Jeff with his smug European-ness and no Clark with his constant kicking. Those three guys Unbelievasuck!
And what will I use this platform for? Oh, I don't know. Telling you how great I am, telling you how lousy The Unbelievables are. Maybe other stuff. You'll just have to tune in and find out.