Possible Monkey Business Afoot ...

I'm not certain but I'd be willing to bet my face was screwed up in a bout of confusion at the information Clark offered Jeff and I after his little venture over to Petit's place.

"Well ... that's just weird. He didn't do anything? Nothing? Just sat there?"

In retrospect, Clark wasn't the best person to surveil Henri Petit. The two have a huge backlog of ... well, let's say "history" and just leave it at that. 

"Not a single thing at all?" Jeff asked. "Not a peep when you called him a malformed chimp?" Clark shook his head.

"Wait. Look at this picture again and tell me if you see anything strange" I asked the guys.

"He's wearing an ape mask?" Jeff asked.

"It makes him look handsomer than ever before? " Clark offered.

"That the stoop is the only place he can sit where his feet reach the ground?" Jeff continued, chuckling.

"No, no, no. What's missing from this image?"

"Height?" Clark mused.

"Character?" Jeff jested.

"Poise? Him holding a homemade bomb? Lunch dribbles down the front of his shirt?"

"NO! Look ... there's no cigarette! He's not holding one, he's not smoking one, there's no evidence of cigarettes anywhere. There aren't any butts on the ground, zippo. I'm not so sure this is a picture of Henri Petit. You did say he didn't acknowledge you in the least, right Clark?"

Clark nodded. "So? He doesn't like me anyway. Might have something to do with all the beatings I've given him over the years ..."

Jeff chimed in. "If you're right, Michael, and that's not Petit, we need to get over there and find out for sure ..."

"Oh, HELL no ..." Clark interjected.

I looked at Clark. "Jeff's right. Pardon the pun but there might be monkey business afoot. You know you'd miss him if anything happened to the little twerp, Clark ..."

Just then, we heard a chime coming from one of the computers in the office down the hall. An e-mail came through. We pulled it up:

There were no "instructions below."

We all hopped into Clark's 'Vette and drove over to Petit's place ...

Evolution Revolution

Hello once again. It is I, the amazing Henri Petit, master villain and skilled hacker. On Monday, I told you all about the Hacktivator 2000®, the phenomenal machine I used to hack into this very blog and seize control! Bwahahahaha! Bwaaaaahahahaaaaaa! Ha. Ahem. Sorry, now, where was I?

Ah yes. The Hacktivator 2000®. This wonder of modern hack-ology was not my first hacking-capable supercomputer, no sir. In fact there were at least three earlier versions, prototypes if you will, before the Hacktivator 2000® came along. I thought it might be a bit of fun to revisit these early crime-puters (see what I did there? Bwaaahahahahaha!!) so you can see how tooled up I am and stuff. (Evil smirk). (Sorry I had to write that, there's really no way of illustrating an evil smirk. Oh, wait - perhaps there is.)

Anyway - here's the first one.

This is two of my ex- evil programmers, Lemuel "Crowbar" McShifty and Garibaldi Barlow sweating out a line or two of evil code on the EvilTron X1™. Damn thing couldn't hack so much as a Casio wristwatch. So I decided to go bigger. More processing power was needed.

Here we see the EvilTron RoomiebotX2™. As you can see, it was certainly bigger, taking up as it did the entire first floor of my lair.

Once again, there are two "experts" tending to its many knobs and valves. That looks like Henchman Paddy Oltroon on the left, and Henchman Garritov Barlovski on the right. A right pair of numpties if ever there were. And the machine was a total failure too. If anything, it was too big. The size was not the issue after all - it just needed to be more streamlined. Simplicity was the key.

Now we were getting somewhere. With Barry Garlow on the left, and Sossie Jegganchipz on the right, the Eviltronster 12™ was able to interfere with air traffic control at the local airfield. Still, it wasn't quite up to the job I had in mind for it.

So, I had to build it myself. If you want it done right, you have to do it off your own evil back. So, with the help of Betsy, my office manager (who is as strong as an ox), the Hacktivator 2000® was born! 

And now, I have control of those Unbeleivaboobs' computers! Bwaaaahahahahaahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

See you Friday.

Unexpected Gifts (pt 2)

I got...

NEGATIVE CHARGE!

That's right, I pulled the card from the undeniably-evil-yet-unfailingly-polite electro-genius. I know everybody was expecting me to get someone else, but honestly this was the first randomly-pulled card I got after throwing back 16 or 17 with a return address of "HP". Sorry, I know that might be bending the rules but in what universe does a small, mewling, nicotine-saturated yambag like that get to ever be called a "winner"?
Anyway, here's how it went with Negative Charge...

NC: Hey, this is just super. I'm so honored! Come on in, have a seat. Can I get you anything?
ME: No. That's one.
NC: Oh ho! Right down to business! That's crafty of you. I guess I'd better not waste any more questions, eh?
ME: No. Two.
NC: Ouch! Got me again! All righty. Once bitten, twice shy. Twice bitten, then what?
ME: ...
NC: Withdrawn!
ME: Okay.
NC: All right then. You are aware that you and your chums stand between me and my goal to dominate the world and that for that reason I have to destroy you?
ME: Yes. Three.
NC: Nothing personal, you understand.
ME: ...
NC: That was a statement, not a question!
ME: Let's go.
NC: Okay then. In my efforts to gather operating capital to finance my schemes that will result in the downfall of society and highlighted by your painful deaths, should I rob museums or banks?
ME: Umm...
NC: Oh gosh, I didn't phrase that as a Yes or No question. I am so sorry! Totally my fault. Okay, should I rob banks?
ME: No. That's four.
NC: I don't mean from a moral standpoint.
ME: Oh. Then yes. THAT's four.
NC: Thanks for the mulligan! Ha ha!
ME: No problem.
NC: Is three henchmen too many?
ME: No. Five.
NC: Is eight too many?
ME: No. Eight is enough.
BOTH: Ha ha ha! (high-fives exchanged)
NC: Is an underground hideout a good investment in 2015?
ME: Yes. Seven.
NC: What's the deal on Marissa? Should I ask her out?
ME: No!! Eight.
NC: Okay, okay. Relax.
ME: It's cool.
NC: Are pre-wedding jitters normal or a sign that I should call things off?
ME: Didn't you just ask me about dating Marissa?
NC: I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!!
ME: All right! Geez!
NC: Please excuse my outburst.
ME: No problem. Anyway, yes. And then no. Nine and ten.
NC: Is it appropriate to recognize the hard work of a henchman with a gift or an award instead of a raise in salary?
ME: Yes. One more.
NC: Oh, you know, I've just had such a super time today. I'll yield my final question in lieu of thanking you for making yourself available. It's been just a hoot and a half and I'm sorry that the next time I see you, I'll be killing you and Jeff and Michael. Please say hi to them for me, won't you?
ME: Yes. And that's twelve.
BOTH: Ha ha ha! (high-fives exchanged again)

Okay, last but not least, it's Jeff's turn now!