Michael Jackson: King of Trolls

Sometimes, cases come across our desks after it's too late for us to get involved and do anything about. For example, this APPARENTLY TOTALLY TRUE story (just like all the stories we tell here) came to light recently...

For one thing, he (actor Russell Crowe) found himself on the receiving end of repeated nuisance calls from, of all people, Michael Jackson. "For two or three f*cking years," he says. "I never met him, never shook his hand, but he found out the name I stayed in hotels under, so it didn't matter where I was, he'd ring up do this kind of thing, like you did when you were 10, you know. 'Is Mr Wall there? Is Mrs Wall there? Are there any Walls there? Then what's holding the roof up? Ha ha.' You're supposed to grow out of doing that, right?" - via Jezebel.com

Obviously, that situation has resolved itself.
Not so obviously, while Michael Jackson may have been the biggest celebrity to engage in childish prank behavior for the sake of mentally terrorizing other celebrities, he's not the only one.

Don Knotts routinely shook down action hero Steve McQueen for his lunch money outside the studio cafeteria, using a switchblade to underline his intent. It got to the point where McQueen would tremble and start crying when the "Andy Griffith Show" or "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" would appear on television.

Nobody knows why but folksinging naturalist John Denver tormented John "The Duke" Wayne for years with a series of Granola-based pranks; filling his mailbox with it, putting it in his gas tank and using ultra-light aircraft to "cropdust" Wayne's palatial California estate with it.

Mel Brooks to this day utilizes a time machine that he devised himself (with the help of Carl Reiner) to go back in time and put bags of flaming dog poop on Adolph Hitler's doorstep.

Stay tuned this week for more outlandish tales of childish celebrity behavior from Jeff and Michael!

Back In The Fold

"You want I should knock some sense into this Michael guy ... ???"

Those guys ... !!!

First? They tried to reason with me, doing their best to circumvent my departure from The Unbelievables. 

Then? they considered strong arm tactics, playing around with bringing in Guido The Knuckleballer (above) to "convince" me not to leave. (They realized there was no point in doing that. Each of us knows Unbelieva-Fu - Guido wouldn't stand a chance against me.)
 
I told them my mind was made up, that it was a done deal. I had to go. But I could tell my story about a journey of self-discovery wasn't flying with them. That's why they insisted on throwing a farewell party.

But ... it wasn't a party the guys threw ...

... it was an intervention.

Well ... the guys had a little help from some of The Unbelieva-Babes ...

They confessed they'd exhausted all other means of reason, that - in the guise of a party - was simply a matter keeping  my best interests in mind. Departure from The Unbelievables was tantamount to throwing a well-built career down the drain. They gave examples of all the good we'd done as a team, all the benefits we'd provided to the public, all the evil we'd thwarted over the years. It was hard to argue their points.

But the real clincher?

"The word is out among the bad guys, too. Some of them have sent us letters asking we consider their humble requests for inclusion as replacements in your absence. Of course that's not going to happen ... but the fact they even have the gall to ask ... that's reason enough you should stay, don't you think?"

And they were right, of course. I mean ... who could fill the shoes of Amigo Tóxico? Who could possibly NOT wear pants better than me? And, honestly, stopping Nick O'Teen dead in his second hand tracks by partnering with Death and, in return, dropping teen smoking to an all-time low ... what other job held such satisfaction as that? Such do-goodery right there elicited a certain sort of attraction found nowhere else. And so much more.

That clinched it. I decided to do the right thing. I was back in the fold.

And right then ... the intervention? It became a party. Complete with Furious D ...

Because, really, we don't do interventions all that well ...

A pretty good example of how on of our "interventions" turn out ...

Parties, on the other hand ...

P.S. Marissa and Laura were thrilled I was back, too.

The Party To Save Michael

Yesterday Clark and I decided that we needed to sit the boy down (Michael, that is) and try to knock some sense into him. Not literally, you understand. We haven't had to get physical with him, at least not yet.


First, we reminded him (again) of all the great stuff he was going to be missing out on (see Clark's post from Wednesday).


"It's no use, fellas" he said, shaking his head. "My mind is made up. I'm retiring from the butt-kicking game."


We played along. "So what are planning to do with your time?"
"Well, I'm not sure just yet. What I think I might do is to go on a spiritual journey of self-discovery. I shall journey to the Himalayas, find a lonely peak - a blunt one - and sit on it for a few years."

Yeah, right.

At this, I'm sorry to say, we had to stifle a giggle.
Clark said, "Well, OK, if your mind is made up. But at least we should throw you a leaving bash. Invite all our friends. Blow the roof off the place. Whaddya say?"


Might have been a trick of the light but I swear I saw a flicker of suspicion in Michael's eyes.
"Well, alright," said Michael with some reticence. "But don't go to too much trouble, guys."
"Come on, how long have we known each other?" I replied. "We will make it tasteful and chic. It'll be a night to remember."


The party is set for tonight. We have invited EVERYONE, including that caveman we once discovered frozen in a ravine in Sausalito (long story).

Now just calm down, Ug.

The Unbelievababes have been working on decorating the rooms.

Nice job, Gloria!

Marissa has set the tables.

I hit the kitchen with Ulf the Unbelievadog to whip up mass quantities of whipped potatoes.

We even convinced one of Michael's old girlfriends Greta Scacchi to put in an appearance.

We even hired a boat.

So, hopefully, we can change the man's mind. We'll let you know how we get on. Wish us luck.

Why, Michael, why?!?

At a press conference with two unknown interns. Our reactions to queries from the press tend to vary wildly.

I know Michael hinted that Jeff and I would tell you why he is leaving The Unbelievables ...

" ... my days as one of The Unbelievables are at an end. The boys will tell you why ..."

... but we're not even sure why ourselves.

Basically, I guess it comes down to Michael wanting to live a "normal" life. A normal life being where instead of being part of a collective of stylish gentlemen whose mere appearance could inspire throngs of women to swoon and scream in rapturous delight, you become a solitary formerly stylish gent who now inspires those same throngs to threaten to cut themselves on Twitter.

Hey, we may not agree with it or even understand it, but it's Michael's decision and out of respect for our teammate, we must abide. I think Jeff and I will be fine, whether we decide to bring in a replacement or make a go of it as a duo. We are going to try to soldier on while Michael gets another job, presumably in an industry that is far less tolerant of showing up at work sans pants, I guess. I just hope he knows what else he'll be giving up. For instance, there will be no more of this...

Or this...

Or these...

Forget about this...

Okay, granted, that's not a big loss. But...

No more situations like this...

And definitely say good-bye to this...


Good luck and godspeed, Michael. We hope you know what you're doing. I'm not sure you do, though.

Michael: Unbelievable No More ... ???

Understand: Not only must every dog have its day but that day just might signal a time for the dog to go.

It's been a good run with Clark and Jeff.

But ... the party's over. Gotta run, skedaddle. Auf Wiedersehen. Sayonara. Hasta la vista, Baby.

Many of you might say "But the three of you are ...

"... as tight as The Three Stooges ..."

"... as soaring as The Three Tenors ..."

"... as crack a team as Lester Harris' Three Musketeers ..."

(No other incarnation comes close ...)

"... as carefree as Bueller and his compadres ..."

"... spirited as The Del Rubio Triplets ..."

"... as firm as the Jaws men ..."

"... as diligent as Star Trek's triumvirate ..."

"... as defining as Nirvana ..."

"... as adorable as The Powerpuff Girls ..."

"... and as fun loving as Janet, Jack Chrissy

from Three's Company."

But the truth of the matter is this: I personally believe we are more akin to The Police ala their "Outlandos d'Amour" years ...

Still ... my days as one of The Unbelievables are at an end. 

The boys will tell you why ...

Dance to the death

It turns out that Van Veen was using his influence and access around the BBC for nothing more than access to stealing dance costumes. But why? Because he was outfitting his own dance team/elite assassination squad, which he was calling the Van Veen Va Vooms.

(L to R) Griselda, Queenie, Madelyn and Punchetta

His plan: recruit four of the world's sexiest dancers and turn them into killers. When we got him to confess (which, as always, was pretty easy; would-be super-villains love to confess), he said, in that weird way of his, "The daaaahncers, so beautiful, yes? Lovely to look aaaat, deadly to deeeal with. As skilled in the art of the daaaahnce as the art of the kiiiill." To his credit, he had done a fantastic job of recruiting, The Van Veen Va Vooms were:

• Madelyn - specializing in ballet and bladed weapons
• Queenie - specializing in ballroom and toxins
• Punchetta - specializing in jazz, tap and punching
• Griselda - specializing in the art of seduction

We managed to thwart them before they ever carried out their very first attempt, the proposed assassination of Emperor B'll B'll of the island nation of Quapandwa, which would have thrown that whole region there into turmoil. It was a close call; B'll B'll was quite taken with Griselda...naturally.

But the puzzling aspect of the whole case was why Hermannus Jantinus "Herman" van Veen would go through so much trouble to establish a reputation for himself and get in such good graces with the BBC and the worldwide dance community only to resort to petty theft when it came time to outfit his troupe. 

Turns out he had bad credit.

The Va Vooms themselves were successfully rehabilitated and now work as activity directors at Tick-Tock Estates, an assisted living facility in Glendale, Arizona.

• Madelyn - specializing in board games
• Queenie - specializing in arts and crafts
• Punchetta - specializing in bus trips
• Griselda - specializing in the art of seduction

There's No Dance Off With Your Pants Off

Well ... Legs & Co. ...

It was Flick Colby herself - former dance troupe member herself and instigator/manager of Legs & Co. - who contacted us in search of The Unbelievables' assistance. It was discovered many of Legs & Co. costumes were being pilfered by someone and Ms. Colby wondered if we could get to the bottom (and the tops) of the situation.)

We all packed bags in case the caper took more than an afternoon and arranged to meet Ms. Colby at the BBC studios where we exchanged pleasantries, met the girls and got down to the business at hand.

... mmmmmmmmmmmm ... Lulu ...

Lulu Cartwright was my favorite of the troupe and it's not a gross understatement to declare I was rather taken by her. Business being business, I kept professional and delved into my part of the mission with zeal so as not to be distracted by her.

It was apparent I wasn't the only one taken in by the wiles of Ms. Lulu Cartwright

as evidence would indicate courtesy of this photo

with Lulu tightly sandwiched between Jeff and Clark ...

The BBC Studios was a massive place with lots of nooks and crannies to pour over. Overall, there wasn't anything out of the ordinary to point our attentions in any particular direction.

That is ... until we met Hermannus Jantinus "Herman" van Veen.

Van Veen (center) with members of Ruby Flipper.

He looked suspect even then ...

Herman Van Veen was instrumental in several dance groups for the BBC and no more so than with Flick during her time with Ruby Flipper, one of the predecessors of Legs & Co.

The dude had a presence about him that just didn't jibe with us. Plus ... he talked funny, a tell-tale sign of funny business.

But ... how was Van Veen mixed up with the Legs & Co.'s missing accouterments?

Clark will present that tale ...