Back In The Fold

"You want I should knock some sense into this Michael guy ... ???"

Those guys ... !!!

First? They tried to reason with me, doing their best to circumvent my departure from The Unbelievables. 

Then? they considered strong arm tactics, playing around with bringing in Guido The Knuckleballer (above) to "convince" me not to leave. (They realized there was no point in doing that. Each of us knows Unbelieva-Fu - Guido wouldn't stand a chance against me.)
 
I told them my mind was made up, that it was a done deal. I had to go. But I could tell my story about a journey of self-discovery wasn't flying with them. That's why they insisted on throwing a farewell party.

But ... it wasn't a party the guys threw ...

... it was an intervention.

Well ... the guys had a little help from some of The Unbelieva-Babes ...

They confessed they'd exhausted all other means of reason, that - in the guise of a party - was simply a matter keeping  my best interests in mind. Departure from The Unbelievables was tantamount to throwing a well-built career down the drain. They gave examples of all the good we'd done as a team, all the benefits we'd provided to the public, all the evil we'd thwarted over the years. It was hard to argue their points.

But the real clincher?

"The word is out among the bad guys, too. Some of them have sent us letters asking we consider their humble requests for inclusion as replacements in your absence. Of course that's not going to happen ... but the fact they even have the gall to ask ... that's reason enough you should stay, don't you think?"

And they were right, of course. I mean ... who could fill the shoes of Amigo Tóxico? Who could possibly NOT wear pants better than me? And, honestly, stopping Nick O'Teen dead in his second hand tracks by partnering with Death and, in return, dropping teen smoking to an all-time low ... what other job held such satisfaction as that? Such do-goodery right there elicited a certain sort of attraction found nowhere else. And so much more.

That clinched it. I decided to do the right thing. I was back in the fold.

And right then ... the intervention? It became a party. Complete with Furious D ...

Because, really, we don't do interventions all that well ...

A pretty good example of how on of our "interventions" turn out ...

Parties, on the other hand ...

P.S. Marissa and Laura were thrilled I was back, too.

Nic O'Teen: A distasteful solution

This has truly been one of our most difficult cases. And difficult cases call for difficult choices. Ultimately, we decided to take up with this guy...

I know, I know. None of us were thrilled but what were we supposed to do? It's not like we were getting help from scientists...

Athletes...

Doctors...

Actors...

Or politicians.

Like I said, we were desperate. So we scheduled a meeting with Death and laid out some parameters.

MICHAEL: Okay Death, we don't like you and you don't like us...
DEATH: Like you? I love you. In fact, I want to hold you in my cold embrace forever.
JEFF: Ugh! Your breath, mate. It's worse than... well, you, if that's conceptually possible.
DEATH: Thank you!
CLARK: Listen, we don't want to do it but we need to work together here.
DEATH: So you, The Unbelievables, are here to make a deal with Death? Lovely! I'll get the chessboard!
MICHAEL: We don't want to play chess. We just want you to kind of associate yourself with cigarette smoking. We're battling the nefarious Nic O'Teen and frankly, not making a lot of headway.
JEFF: I can't quite put my finger on what it is. There's definitely an overwhelming stench of decay, yet sickly sweet at the same time.
DEATH: You want me to kill more smokers? That's already a huge chunk of my daily workload but I suppose I could dial things up a bit.
CLARK: No, don't kill more people, you idiot. We're trying to save lives here.
MICHAEL: Yeah, just do a better job of letting everyone know when smoking is the reason you kill someone. We're hoping to counteract these ridiculous positive testimonials with you.
DEATH: Oh! Sure, I can do that! That's easy. I'm totally going to kill all the people in those testimonials eventually anyway. The irony will be delicious! But beyond that, what's in it for me?
CLARK: We would be willing to kick 50% more criminals through plate glass windows from the top floors of skyscrapers.
JEFF: I'm sorry, but I can not get past the overwhelming horrific odor of his breath. I mean, woof!
DEATH: Make it 75%
MICHAEL: All right. That's fine.
DEATH: Can some of these "criminals" be little old ladies, sweet innocent children and adorable puppy dogs?
MICHAEL: Absolutely not!
CLARK: A couple of old ladies, sure.
DEATH: We have an agreement, my friends. Let's bring it in for a group hug. Come on. No? Okay then.
JEFF: There's something oddly familiar about it...
DEATH: I'm so sorry. I had lunch in the UK today.

Anyway, we're not exactly happy about this partnership or whatever you want to call it but the end justifies the means.

Nick O'Teen: Menace To Society

Foulness: Personified!

Despicable!

Grievous!

Horrid!

Unconscionable!

Dastardly!

Immoral!

Without scruple!

Lowdown!

Heinous!

Vilified!

Soulless! 

But enough about Henri Petit (alias "Fritz" ... though no one really knows why he digs that alias) ...

I told Yep. That's him, in yet another candid Kodak moment:

That little shit Petit.

We're talkin' Nick O'Teen here!

Nick O'Teen: What an ass ...

"NO'T" is just as loathsome as Petit ... and more so on a number of levels. Sometimes, he's even more the dirty player than the trollish Petit.

Want to see some of his handiwork? (Warning: It's not pretty.)

I told you: Not pretty.

 Yuck.

This? It's almost pornograhic ... wouldn't you agree?

But that's Nick O'Teen's ultimate goal ...

He doesn't just stop his machinations here in the states, either. 

O'Teen isn't afraid to go global ...

Black and white doesn't mitigate the vileness of O'Teen's foul plans ...

The only thing this screams is "Uh oh ..."

It's not just kids the stooge targets either. Get a load of this: He's not beyond targeting our heroes ...

He even got Arnold to wear a "Arnold Is Numero Uno" shirt.

Real motivational confidence builder ... isn't it?

Yep: None other than Nicky Fags is behind each and every one of those images above. (By the way ... he hates it when I call him "Nicky Fags" ...)

Lower still, he even tortured poor Porky Pig himself with tobacco products:

O'Teen's henchmen ("The Stogie Three") menace our hero Porky

Want to see an example of a child's innocence dashed beyond all comprehension? Here you go ...

 It's mind-boggling the depths to which O'Teen will descend ...

Under his tutelage, O'Teen seduces kids to go two-fisted before they know it.

What a bastard. He's beyond belief. And with the power (such that it is) of Petit behind him, how can this villain possibly be stopped?

You won't believe what Clark has to say Friday ...

Not So Fast...

Sorry folks. It seems that we have a problem. 

You see, that ugly dwarf-troll-child Henri Petit is at it again. 

No sooner do we thwart one of his twisted plans than he is back again with another stupid idea to take over the world - only this time, he's after your kids.

He has teamed up, apparently, with another failed master criminal - the fiendish Nick O'Teen, who was in the cigarette-peddling biz a few years back. Remember?

We all thought that we'd seen the back of O'Teen when we heard that none other than the Man of Steel had put paid to this villain's scheme.

But he's back - and Henri Petit (under the alias of Fritz) has teamed up with him to produce these evil cancer-sticks with which to tempt children.

I mean, COME ON!  We know it's you, Petit.

Why, I hear you cry? Simple. He reckons if he can get our children hooked on smoking huge unfiltered cigars and wreck their health, then the easier the Western world will be to conquer. You can't fight if you're gasping for breath and hacking up gobbets of phlegm all the time.

But fear not, citizens. We Unbelievables are on the case and will have this villain and his new chum rounded up and dealt with forthwith. Kids smoking cigars is something we simply will not put up with.

Michael and Clark will tell you more about our progress later on in the week. Meanwhile, we talked to Superman and let him know Nick O'Teen was on the loose again (we were hoping to maybe get a few tips from ol' Clark Kent about the malodorous O'Teen), but the news that a fiend he had spent a considerable amount of time pursuing thirty or so years ago was back in circulation sent him into a bit of a decline. 

So I don't guess we can rely on him for any help this week.