The Unbelievables: The Formative Years

In the beginning ... no, no, no ... I'm not going to go there.

Instead I'll state that, from the start, crime fighting was and always has been, in my blood. (I'd be willing to bet my fellow "U-beebs" Jeff and Clark will confess similarly. You'll hear from both those fashionable gents later in the week.)

During a holiday long ago, I remember Christmastime as a kid: One year I received a pretty rather nifty toy, the like of which I hadn't happened upon previously and have never seen again. It was, from all appearances, a manual Super 8 movie camera, complete with a telescoping lens, tripod-ish extension, various accessories and other accoutrements. But in reality, with the push of a button, it transformed into a kickass sub-machine gun with special short-range bomblet projectiles, a grappling hook and rope and smoke bombs among other things. It led me down the path of my first foray into "crime fighting hood" from my earliest memories. Secret Agent Man was popular at the time, cops and robbers ruled our imaginations and Mission: Impossible was on the airwaves. It was fated.

I was in love with the toy. It was a modern (kid) marvel of intrigue and wonder. Best of all it was secretive ... no one knew it was "a movie camera by day, a weapon of destruction by night."

Of course, you couldn't get away with a plaything like that nowadays ... not with all the rampant political correctness and the ever-vigilant Mothers Against Drunk Driving and Tea Party this and PETA that. Nope. No way. It was a time of taking off in the morning on your bike with your friends and not coming back home 'til dinnertime. Your parents hadn't a clue where you'd been all day and, frankly, didn't really care - so long as you didn't get in any trouble and came back in (relatively speaking) one piece. (Little did they know ...)

Yes ... that faux movie camera was my initiation into the world of espionage and skullduggery. Combine that with the fact I often "helped out" my sister with her Barbie tea parties and you can see where I got my personal fashion sensibilities. 70's fashion mixed with kiddie undercover operations ... and << VOILA! >> you have an Unbelievable in the making.

What? You're of that camp that skeptically calls out "Pictures or it didn't happen" ... ??? No problem. 

Below, you'll find some of the early, formative years of this particular Unbelievable for your dining and dancing pleasure. (And worry not: All photos have been declassified for viewing.)

Even at the youngest of ages,

I was testing top secret disguises for use in future exploits ...

 

Undercover in a 5th grade talent show.

(I'm the acoustic guitarist in the white jeans.)

One of the my earliest spy outfits, one of my earliest solo cases:

"Some Bunny Got Murdered" ...

 

It may look like we're sleeping ... 

... but we're actually deep, deep, deep undercover on a stakeout ...

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. ("Hello, ladies!")

This was a beach operation we dubbed "Shot Blockers" ...

(Note my solid legs, coiffed hair and buff appearance.)

As fledgling junior crime fighters, 

Halloween always afforded opportunity to dress in costume and not alert suspicion.

While testing out new mustache / beard combinations, I'm caught in the act ...

Here I'm cleverly disguised as a Renaissance peasant.
The hair and legs were real ...

Relaxing after a successfully completed case.

(Note reclined and confident position
complete with vintage Kliban cat T-shirt and refreshing beverage in hand.)

 Of course, today there's really no length
we Unbelievables won't go to in order to crack a case.
Mexican wrestling masks and Hawaiian shirt combinations?
Yes ... they're in our fashionable mode wheelhouse.

And I'm certain, just as the above, Clark and Jeff's chapters will thrill you in the coming week. 

Dare I say some of theirs are quite frankly ... Unbelievable ...

 

Owl be darned

The three most powerful sources of motivation when it comes to committing outlandish spectacles of criminal activity are sex, money and revenge. When the perpetrator has plenty of the first two, all that's left is vengeance. That's why nobody should be surprised that the twisted mastermind behind these horrible "bird people" is this guy...

What? Harmless romance novel cover boy and vegetable-oil-fortified-with-synthetic-carotene pitchman Fabio?!? Yes, Fabio.
Before you gasp in shock (Too late? Sorry) consider the following classic villain traits that have been in your face this whole time:

• Long hair
• Indistinctly generic European accent
• Owns an island (presumably)

Kind of obvious, when you look at it. But against whom was Fabio seeking revenge? All of birdkind, basically. Let me draw your memory back to a lovely spring day at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Virginia, back in 1999...



"Laugh now, wench. Vengeance shall be mine!"

From that day forward, Fabio... changed. Many a beautiful young lass was lured by false pretense to enter his secret laboratory (or "Labio"; his description, not ours) only to emerge looking like this...

We couldn't let this stand, so we donned extremely clever disguises...

Check out our sweet abs!


... and without giving away any secrets, we went in and shut the operation down (hint: we beat his ass), which made Owl Girl very happy.
Another case successfully closed by... The Unbelievables! CAW!

The Unbelievables Give A Hoot

 

Bird.

Bird is the word, you know:




Some are mighty as in America's symbol, the proud eagle:

Some are inspiring as in Sesame Street's Big Bird:

Some are menacing like Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds":

There are even some who bring mirth and merriment in the form of public service, as shown below ... one of my cherished shirts from the '70s featuring Woodsy Owl, the "Give A Hoot, Don't Pollute" mascot of do goodery in an age of waste and smog:

And then? Some? Head-shakingly confounding:

We all know: You don't tug on Superman's cape ... you don't spit in the wind ... you don't take the mask off the 'ole Lone Ranger ... and you don't mess around with Jim.

But let's go a little further: Let's add leaving avian DNA to the birds. You can't mess with Mother Nature and not expect things to go tragically sideways! So ... no medical experiments! After all ... we're not visiting the Universal Studios' back lot! We're not vacationing at Frankenstein's European digs! We're not confined to the island of Dr. Moreau! Human / animal experimentation must be nipped in the bud lest The Decline Of Western Civilization come crashing down around our ears! And that includes the sad and sorry state quite evident with June Shannon, better known as Alana ("Honey Boo Boo") Shannon's mother.

McWowZah! Is there need for further evidence as to the crimes being perpetrated againt this poor woman? Because it's obvious there are detrimental side effects, reprehensible character anomolies, health concerns (who knows what the comingling of human and avian DNA is doing to this individual) and probably more, more, more, more, more. Clearly, evil deeds are afoot and being committed with seeming wild abandon.

But ... to what end? And why? Is there cause for alarm? Should the local authorities be alerted? Is it one of the signs of the apocalypse? Does it signal the beginning of the end? Is it a plan of Republicans? PETA infiltrators? The North Koreans? Pod people? Oprah followers ... ?!?? Who is behind these fiendish plans?

Due diligence is required. We need to hunker down, delve in deeply. This isn't one of those "snap of the fingers" cases that is merely a hop, skip and a jump from being solved. It takes guts and determination and venturing into the unknown to find out what we can find.

As Jeff mentioned, we have a plan in force. We'll get to the bottom of it ... and hopefully before any real consequences make themselves known, not the least of which could be the irreparable damage that could quite possibly result to our fine feathered friends ... and to owls in particular.

I haven't heard from Clark in awhile. He'll check in with what he may or may not have discovered as a result of our meeting with Owl Girl.

Me? I'm off to the Unbelieva-Base's research center to aid in cracking this baffling case ...

In Cahoots With Owl Girl

The Owl. 

"All Owls are equipped with special adaptations that make them efficient predators. Keen eyesight allows them to locate quarry even in low light conditions. Sensitive, directional hearing helps locate concealed prey. Some species can even hunt in complete darkness using sound alone to guide them to a successful kill. An Owl's flight is silenced by special wing feathers, that muffle the sound of the air rushing over the surface of the wing. This allows an Owl to hunt by stealth, taking their victims by surprise. It also allows the Owl to listen for prey movements while still flying.

Most species hunt from a perch, such as a low branch, stump or fence post. They will wait for prey to appear, and swoop down with open wings, and their talons stretched forward. Some species will fly or glide a little way from the perch before dropping on the victim. In some cases, the Owl may simply drop on the target, opening their wings at the last moment.

Other species prefer to soar, or make quartering flights, scanning the ground below for a suitable meal. When a target is located, the Owl will fly towards it, keeping its head in line with it until the last moment. This is when the Owl pulls its head back, and thrusts its feet forward with the talons spread wide - two pointing backwards and two forwards.
The force of the impact is usually enough to stun the prey, which is then dispatched with a snap of the beak."

Oh yeah - you don't mess with owls. Which is why one of our partners in fighting worldwide crime is Owl Girl. She is one little birdie you try not to annoy if at all possible.

Ever alert, it's Owl Girl!

Owl Girl tipped us off that people have indeed been messing with owls - or, more precisely, with Owl DNA. Trying to create some sort of owl/human hybrid, with the sinister intent of building an army of Owl People. The evidence is below.

Galling stuff, I trust you'll agree. So how did Owl Girl happen upon this evidence?

Well, her suspicions were first aroused when she settled down one day after a hard day's vigilant crimefighting to watch some TV. Flipping through the channels, she sadly landed on TLC (which used to stand for The Learning Channel, but now we Unbelievables believe the L is for Losers) and an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, and was immediately both repulsed and riveted by what she saw. For here was not only the world's most awful child, celebrated far beyond her worth on national TV....

..but her mother was clearly the result of such aforementioned human/owl experimentation.

"Whoo! Whoo!"

Once she did some digging around and realised just what it was she had unearthed, she called the Unbelieva-base and scheduled a sit-down pow-wow. When she arrived, we were immediately disarmed by her outward appearance.

We, of course, were dressed to thrill. 

Hello, ladies!

Owl Girl showed us what she had found, and we were shocked.

"Hoo-hooo!"

We put our heads together and formulated an immediate plan to find the perpetrator behind Owl People, and rid the world of them before things got way too out of hand. Michael and Clark will pick the story up from here, but suffice it to say -  you're welcome, world!

Freakin' Clown Art

*shudder*

At some point, I knew either Clark or Jeff was going to bring that plate up on the site. Freakin' thing gives me the willies.

And both of them know how I feel about clowns: 

"Clowns to the left of me, clowns to the right, all those silly faces want to BITE! BITE! BITE!"  

*shudder*
 
Look: I know I'm supposed to be following up with my two compatriots' posts regarding the subject at hand: Art. But the fact of the matter is there's NO way I'm going to be able to concentrate on the subject when I have a CLOWN permeating my grey matter, violating my thoughts and encompassing everything I'm trying to write!

Which only goes to show crime fighting isn't for the faint of heart. Sometimes you need to set your fears off to the side and deal with the situation at hand. And that's just the story with "(Soulless) Child And Clown" ... one of the most heinous examples of art ever created.

Hokay ... maybe I've taken enough deep breaths to calm myself down a little bit. Hokay ... yeah ... I think I'm good for a while ...

Art. All right. You want to see art? Innocent art that doesn't dredge fearsome thoughts in the middle of the night like those freakish, face-painted, smiling pasty mugged jesters? Here you go:

An innocent, becalming piece with a child being cradled lovingly by a fox. (Or is it a wolf? It doesn't matter.) See? The scene shows a comforted child, even in the embrace of a fearsome carnivore. She's restful and blissful and asleep. She doesn't have those soulless eyes Clark mentioned with the kid and the clown on the plate. *shudder* See how this girl is the picture of contented slumber? If you're going to produce art - especially art with children in it - for Pete's sake do it in such a way it doesn't require therapy after viewing. Like this one for example:

With Easter right around the corner, I thought this one was rather appropriate. And by that I mean ... IT'S NOT! That pony-tailed cutey is damaged for life, I tell you! There's no going back after that kind of traumatizing episode! Poor little girl! Yet ... there's some freakoid out there who things this will make a cute-as-all-get-out picture to hang on their wall, complete with a two-toned double matte, tasteful frame and boasting the image behind glare-free glass. Cripes and cripes! Have people no shame? Didn't whoever subject the tot to the confines (and obviously horrible grabbing back) of the faux Easter rabbit to the tune of the kid practically busting a tear duct?!? Animals!

You know what I've heard? People take those Peeps marshmallow chicks (which are sacrilege to begin with) and put toothpicks in them, face them at each other in a microwave and have "Peeps Wars" with them! Microwaved, they expand and keep on expanding in an ever-widening Peeps marshmallow bubble until one of the toothpicks pierces the skin of the other Peep and it explodes inhumanely! Barbaric! What ... they call THAT art, too?!? And on Easter, even! What's the world coming to?!?

Clowns. With children. As art. *shudder* I for one am against it. As a member of The Unbelievables, I promise we're going to hunt the villains down who perpetrate this sort of "art" and bring them to their knees! We're on a mission to rid the world of clowns as art, whether they have children in them or otherwise.

Because clowns aren't art - they're evil.

*shudder*

Art For Art's Sake

The Unbelievables have met some foul fiends in their time, let me be the first to assure you. From Sam Snow to Little Debbie, The Hostess and the Muffin Man, Lester von Hornrimm and Leo Von Grunwald, we've seen things that would make a grown man paint a rainbow into his homburg via his trachea. One area where travesties appear to be committed on a daily basis is the world of art.

Am I right, Bubbles?

But when it comes to the art world there is one genre that some people find unspeakably cute - we just find it unspeakable. And although this fits the bill, it's not what I am talking about.

I'm talking about the kitschy 1960s big-eyed cutesy kids. Some people, my grandparents included, were suckered into their whimsical charm. Others just run a mile. Let me show you what I am talking about, if you think you can stand it.

The two main culprits are Soulet (above), and below, D. Golding.

These fiends must be stopped. Tracked down like vermin and made to pay for the heinous crimes they have committed on the minds and stomachs of the free world.

If you take the names Soulet and D. Golding, scramble them up and take away one G, you get Duotones Guild, and this we believe to be the name under which they operate. You may hear it whispered in hushed tones at the local flea market or antique shop. The well-dressed gent at the end of the bar may hand another chap a business card with those words emblazoned across it. Keep your eyes open and ears tuned for those words, and let us know. Already we have a location in the Southern United States in mind as to where the centre of their operations may be, and we are watching day and night, for more than one reason...

Well, helllooo...

No, when it comes to art, we know what we like. Here are a selection of some of the tasteful works that adorn the hallowed walls of the Unbelieva-base.

Tasteful, no?

I'll leave it to Michael to put his two cents in on the arts. Ciao!