Let us help you enjoy an UnbelieValentines Day!

First of all, if you're one of those people who think Valentine's Day is just a cheap, exploitative cash-grab on behalf of Hallmark and Russell Stover, you're right. Of course you're right. They're not even subtle about it.
Secondly, if you're only getting romantic of February 14th, you're just like people who only go to church on Christmas and Easter or only get drunk on New Year's Eve; straight-up amateurs.
That said, the day has come to be associated with certain expectations. Believe me, gentlemen, in some cases (especially this one), it's best to go with the flow and resist the urge to challenge societal mores. That's why this week, we're going to share some of our top romantic tips with the fellas out there... and we might have a few for the ladies as well!

Above all else, keep it classy, boys.

If you retain NOTHING else, just remember to keep the proceedings on a classy level. She deserves that, don't you agree? That means when the waiter brings the wine, let him unscrew the cap. That means when the attendant at the nudist swingers resort offers you fresh towels, you don't say, "Nah, we're good; somebody left a whole pile of them right over there by the volleyball court." And it means when you set up your video camera in the bathroom, you position the tripod in an area where it's not a trip hazard.

Share the fashion of love with others

"There's more brown courderoy where this came from, which is my bedroom"

A fun way to show the world that you and your special lady are together is to dress alike in public. When people see a couple playing "Matchies", they become overwhelmed with love and respect for that couple. Trust me, there are few things people enjoy more than seeing two adults who aren't siblings wearing the same outfits. Charming! Fun!

Ladies: Relax and enjoy yourselves!

Just because a scenario that presents itself seems for all intents and purposes that it is exactly like the most terrifying nightmare you could ever possibly imagine doesn't necessarily mean it has to be. I mean, it probably totally is, but maybe not. Be careful, but... I don't really know. Maybe ignore this one. Yeah.

Well, that's it for me. Jeff and Michael will be along later this week to share some of their valuable insight and experience!

Top, or bottom, of the pyramid

There's no shortage of people out there who will try to tell you the Illuminati don't exist. That makes perfect sense, if you think about it. Who would benefit from denying the existence of a secret society that controls the world through clandestine meetings and behind the scenes manipulation more than a secret society that controls the world through clandestine meetings and behind-the-scenes manipulation? It's really a matter of common sense; is it really so hard to believe that a small handful of extremely powerful people actually control everything that happens in the world when everything is so peachy-keen? Nice try, professional skeptics on retainer on behalf of the Illuminati itself.

No, I'm afraid the Illuminati are very much for real and as Jeff said, the organization consists of "virtually everyone who's even a little bit famous". The truth is, you really don't know how deep... or more accurately, how shallow... this thing really goes. The pyramid symbol so deeply embedded in Illuminati culture should actually be upside down.

Allow me to explain.

Yes, the Illuminati is infested with celebrities. However, there's an obvious inherent flaw in stocking your secret organization with high-profile personalities who live in the constant harsh glare of spotlights and flashbulbs. Folks like Beyonce, God bless 'em, can't go more than a few minutes without doing something designed to draw attention. Like, say, oh, I don't know, maybe flash the organization's primary symbol while performing during the scheduled break in the middle of the world's most widely televised event? That is not exactly the trait you're looking for in selecting someone to lead your covert cabal. In other words, the bigger the star, the less influential the Illuminati-ator.

The guy who buses tables when the meetings are over

So who is at the top... or bottom... of it all? This guy...


"My pyramid is this wide at the bottom"

Behold Linn Burton, the tv pitchman for Bert Weinman Ford in Chicago back in the mid to late 20th century. Burton perfected the art of being famous-yet-stealthy long ago when people thought he actually was Bert Weinman "Your TV Ford Man" himself, and not just an announcer in commercials. Burton also lent his announcing talent to ads for Polk Brothers appliances, L. Fish furniture, Curtiss candy bars, Joe Rizza Chevrolets and Rogers & Holland jewelry between the 1950s and early '80s. And if you're sitting there now, saying "wait a minute; who the hell are any of these people?!?", all I can say is, yes, exactly.

Upon faking his death in 1995, he travelled to the uncharted Illuminati Island somewhere in the south Pacific in Walt Disney's submarine piloted by Elvis Presley, where he lives today, conducting and overseeing operations from a cave beneath a dormant volcano.

We haven't found the island yet (we have reason to believe that the island itself is now motorized and capable of travelling any of the earth's oceans) but it's way up there on our "to-do" list.

Super Bowl Sign Language

Michael posed the question on Monday... what exactly happened during the Super Bowl? Well, before I can even start, I need to give you a bit of background on that most evil and insidious of groups, The Illuminati.

Yes, the Illuminati are a group founded back in 1776 (coincidence? I think not) by a loony German and some of his mates who thought it would be fun to rule the world. Their method? Get all the most famous and influential people in the world to join, and spread the word. To do this word-spreading, lots of celebs use symbols and hand-gestures when they are on TV, in movies and attending highly public events in order that other Illuminati can see that they have club members everywhere. Who's in the club? Virtually everyone who's even a little bit famous.

"But Jeff, " I hear you all splutter. "You guys have a network of celebs who supply you with information! Surely not everybody?"

True, we do have Hollywood insiders, and most of these are people we either got to before they could get got by the Illuminati, or they are reformed ex-Illuminati who were un-brainwashed by our friends Derren Brown and Paul McKenna.

So what of these 'symbols', then? Sure, Beyonce was performing 'the all-seeing eye'...

which, coincidentally (?) can be seen on the back of every U.S. Dollar bill.

But what other signs are out there?

Here's the one and (thankfully) only Kid Rock pointing to the space between his legs, underneath which is (gasp!) a triangle. This sign is called 'the all-seeing crotch'. Apparently his 'third eye' is in a different place to everyone else.

This sign from Gene Simmons is all too easy to read. Devil worship, loud and clear!

Ted Nugent isn't just some deer-huntin' Romney-endorsing attention-seeker, he's a deer-huntin' Romney-endorsing attention-seeker who is showing us two signs combined: Camo Stetson pointed to his left which translates as "Join the Satan club" (stupid big-ass hat, left as in Communist, as in evil, geddit?), and the middle finger on the volume knob is a sign that translates as "Pump up the Satan club volume". 

That lame Unbelievables wannabe Chuck Norris here, with the sign that means 'world domination and free Odor-Eaters for all', which, aside from the world domination part, would be a pretty sweet deal.

So you see, the sign-throwing D-listers are all over the place. Beyonce's sign was misconstrued by some Illuminati on Sunday because she screwed up her placement of the microphone in the middle of the triangle, giving some the false impression that she had just given them the sign for "free office supplies for all!"

We Unbelievables were there, of course, when the whole thing went down. I'll leave it to Clark to tell you how we foiled the Illuminati this time, and how come Alicia Keys butchered the anthem, and maybe why Jennifer Hudson felt the need to upstage the Sandy Hook schoolkids.

All We Want Is An Occasional Cheeze Doodle

"The sign."
Clear indication Beyonce was coerced
by the evil plans of The Illuminati.

When you're an Unbelievable, you're always on the job.

There's no such thing as an "off day" where you can leisurely partake of a camaraderous atmosphere, throw back a couple cold ones and collapse in a comfy couch just like everyone else with a bowl of chili or a plate of nachos or a bag of Cheeze Doodles.
 
Nope.

Because there's always someone out there who wants to fool with the natural way of things. World destruction. Toy infiltration. The scrambling of Hollywood. (As if that town wasn't scrambled enough.)

And then there are the ones who just want to cause monkey business simply for the sake of the monkey business. The "players in the game," so to speak, behind the shenanigans this time around? The Illuminati. The purported conspiratorial organization who many believe mastermind events and control world affairs via governments, corporations and more in an effort to establish a New World Order.

Thus, Super Bowl XLVII.
 
The big event was the perfect fodder - on several levels - for The Illuminati to attempt to ply their evil trade ... but the planning was shoddy at best and the result was but a blip in the grand scheme of The Big Game. Their biggest flaw? Incorporating Beyonce into the mix to "throw out the signal" to get the ball rolling. (See photo above.)

Once she "tossed the word out," it wasn't long before the lights went dark in half the Superdome. That occurrence came with 13:22 remaining in the third quarter Sunday evening with the Baltimore Ravens leading handily 28-6 over the San Francisco Giants.

The problem? Well ... The Illuminati thought she was lip-syncing the hand signal. That's why only half the lights in the Superdome went black.

The "official" word that came down from Entergy, the local power company, and SMG, the management company of the Mercedes Superdome, was this: 

"Shortly after the beginning of the second half of the Super Bowl in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, a piece of equipment that is designed to monitor electrical load sensed an abnormality in the system. Once the issue was detected, the sensing equipment operated as designed and opened a breaker, causing power to be partially cut to the Superdome in order to isolate the issue. Backup generators kicked in immediately as designed. Entergy and SMG subsequently coordinated start up procedures, ensuring that full power was safely restored to the Superdome. The fault-sensing equipment activated where the Superdome equipment intersects with Entergy’s feed into the facility. There were no additional issues detected."

The Unbelievables know better. 

What were The Illuminati's intentions? What would the result of those intentions have been had their plans come to full fruition? And, just as importantly, how were The Unbelievables involved?

Jeff and Clark will fill you in. What I want you to do is just think about what's been said above for a bit ...

... because the actual tale is much stranger than you can imagine ... 

Girls on Film. And TV.

Hollywood is a sleazy town populated by low-lifes who prey on the innocent. It's a place where there's as much danger behind the closed doors of a movie studio exec's office as there is on the mean streets that form the grid between Sunset Boulevard and the Wilshire Country Club. Blinded by the false promises of fame and fortune, young people from around the world are drawn to this cesspool the way moths are drawn to flame; with promises of lots of money, easy access to recreational drugs and marathon sessions of mind-bending sex.
Needless to say yet worth mentioning, Hollywood keeps The Unbelievables busy.
Many people assume (correctly) that our various associations with various starlets has to do with the fact that they're beautiful and we're The Unbelievables. But another factor in many of these couplings is these are women who we have rescued from the lecherous clutches of nefarious casting directors, producers, lighting technicians, gaffers, foley artists, caterers and best boys. Out of gratitude to us and in an effort to help those who may follow in their path some day, they work for us undercover. Sometimes, the nature of these cases requires that we not be seen together. That's when these talented women have to communicate messages to us via a complex system of body language cues directly from the screen!

This is Maureen McCormick, better known as TV's Marcia Brady. In this screencap from an ABC movie of the week titled 'The Groovy Grotto of Johnny Risotto' , you'll notice her right leg extended near an acoustic guitar while her left leg is retracted beneath her. Also, her head is cocked towards that guitar while she maintains direct eye contact. This was her letting us know that her investigation revealed that John Lennon (Guitar? Musician? See?) was not a communist (Not communist? Not left leg? Get it?) threat to the U.S. and that we could tell President Nixon to back off.

Here's Pam Grier (Coffy, Foxy Brown). In this scene from 'Jacqui Bouffet, Jive Turkey Slayer' opening a door with a slight smile on her face, although avoiding eye contact with a pimp, with her bare right arm in clear view. This was her telling us we could be friendly if we ever encountered Sammy Davis Jr. but we should still pack heat (be armed) just to be safe.

Yvonne Craig (Batgirl) simply letting us know that we should keep an eye on Lance Armstrong.

Elizabeth Montgomery (Bewitched): "I do not answer to the name Elizabeth anymore. My name is now Ursa and I am Queen of the Bears. Do not attempt to contact me. When the Bears have something to say, I will make myself known again. Until then, there is no Elizabeth, only Ursa. Also, I had some bad Thai for lunch; are there any woods nearby?" We didn't work with her very much after this.

Kelly LeBrock (Weird Science) in jean shorts, hung up on a fence: "A majority of University of Florida students have not decided for whom they are voting in the upcoming elections." It was extremely difficult for Kelly to work this into a BBC television production of 'Hamlet' without blowing her cover. She's a real pro.

Painter Bob Ross (not an actress but a Hollywood, um, friend) who, as you will see, put A LOT of detail into his paintings: "Yeah, I'll talk to Elizabeth. What's she calling herself? Ursa? For **** sake. Okay. Yeah, I'll make up some **** about happy trees or something, where she'll feel at peace and can chase rabbits or whatever and blah blah ****ing blah. I'll chill her right the **** out. But I'll tell you what; you mother****ers owe me big time for this bull****. Buncha good-for-nothing ********ers. Unbelievable my ****."

Cookin' Good

Interesting as Jeff's Unbelieva-Babes post may be to the average reader, some might be wondering about that rather cryptic and vintage 70's menu buried near the end.

To the layman, that menu might seem a little too bland. Plain. Lackluster, even.  But, in truth, its simplicity is rather telling.
 

Ever been on a stakeout? Ever tailed a criminal for hundreds of miles, hour upon hour, right on into the break of day? The need to be on the move waits for no man and can foist itself upon you at any time. You think the convenience of a sit down three-course meal at 6:30 sharp on a Sunday evening is a given? Heck no ... not when you're on the sly.

Thus the reason for the selections scribed on the sheet below. Simple fare is often the norm when The Unbelievables are on the job. That cold ham grinder? Might just be the only break in a rough and tumble day of crime fighting ... and we've been grateful for it.

See that sideways scribbled "12" at the top of the page?
It's code. And no ... we can't tell you what it stands for. Sorry.

But let it be said right here and now: Those meals wouldn't be anything without the care and attention the Unbelieva-Babes put to them, regardless of their simplicity. It may say "beef pattie on bun" but, guaranteed, in the hands of the gals its anything but that.

For example ... that grinder in the picture above? Looks rather ordinary, doesn't it? You might be surprised to discover I never cared for ham sanwiches in the least. In the hands of the Unbelieva-Babes, however, that simple hoagie is something extraordinary ... to the point that even I look forward to them.

Despite a sometimes hectic schedule, 
 Jeff requires whipped potatoes on Tuesdays. Every. Tuesday.
Clark and I have decided it's best not to question it.

Yes sir, we did our homework when we hired the cuisine-savvy staff. They're anything but common hash slingers when it comes to the culinary arts. Ils sont tout simplement le meilleur! 

Now if we could only get to the bottom of why they hang around in groups of three ... 

... I mean, other than to confuse the bad guys ...

The Unbelieva-Babes

Well, you might be asking yourselves at this point (or not - I'm not a mind reader)- "These guys are such amazing butt-kicking stylish buff sexy dudes with amazing crime-fighting skills and all that - there must be hundreds of girls literally flinging themselves at their feet, right?" - and you'd be right. We do have a problem coping with all the female attention - and sometimes male attention - that at times it becomes difficult to deal with the matter at hand i.e. tracking down no-good, lousy criminal punks and giving them a piece of our mind, swiftly followed by their just desserts.

But believe it or not, through the judicious use of handy organizing devices such as these...

The wonders of modern technology.

plus a little Unbelieva-Zen, we are able to keep ourselves organised and calm.

Many of the girls that we, ahem, encounter, for want of a better phrase, become field operatives in our international network, or employees at Unbelieva-base. Oh yes, we always have time for the ladies. (Hello, ladies!) For example:

This is Greta, giving it a good buffing.

 They help us wash our cars...

Michael and Candy have taken a 'shine' to each other, eh? Note the use of rollerskates to speed up productivity.

Laura is shown here testing the new kitchen furniture and appliances for their waterproof properties by setting them up out on the lawn... and then chucking them into the lake. Don't worry, we rescued them. We managed to stop her as she was about to push the fridge in. It was all fine, and we also adopted a pet frog whom we called Ferdinand. We found him in one of the cupboards.

 They help us try out our jumpsuits...

Clark overdid it on the beard disguise, methinks.

 And they sometimes stand around in groups of three...

 to confuse bad guys.

That collar on the right is extremely sharp. And I mean sharp in all senses of the word. Take that, bad guys!

Not only that, but they have great ideas for parties. Here's Marissa with us at her 'Spray Paint 'n' Jammies' party, which was a total hoot.

The fifteen vodka and tonics beforehand were a big help.

And naturally, we like to bestow gifts on the gals to express our gratitude. Like swimwear...

Brrr! Looks a little chilly on the beach today.

and fashionable shorts.

The Unbelieva-babes (as we like to call them) are almost all fantastic cooks, which is handy for on-the-go crime-fighters like us. They make sure we never go hungry. You can't chase down evil-doers without proper nutrition! Here's a sample menu:

To my mind, you can never get enough whipped potato or cold cut grinders.

Thank you, ladies! Without you, we'd just be fabulously dressed guys, as opposed to the fabulously dressed, cool, hip, butt-kicking scourge of master criminals everywhere that we currently are. 

Even the local tennis pro, Chad "Bongo" Von Smythe III, likes us. A little bit too much, if you ask me.