The "Plan"

For whatever reason, I was uncharacteristically cranky about the entire affair with "Hairy" McLairy and The Bewiskered Gentlefellows.

And I was in no mood to deal with them ... beside the fact we hadn't really had any run in with them to that point.

Bonehead, preener, questionable harmonies ... 

"Look," I reasoned when we caught wind of all the hullabaloo surrounding The Gentlefellows "we don't have much of a leg to stand on with these guys. We can't very well haul them in for displaying their facially manicured selves in public. And their folical felonies don't amount to much of anything other than bad fashion sense. Plus the fact there's a contingent of people out there who are fans of all that mustachioed hoo-ha - nothing we can do about that. Putting the word out about grandiose mustache-ism isn't a crime last time I checked the books. Their "message" such that it is? We don't even know what it's all about. It certainly hasn't led to anything illegal to this point. I mean ... I guess we could round them up and harass them for poor barbershop quartetting but rememeber there's a faction of folks out there who dig that stuff. Who are we to quash their entertainment ... sad and sorry as it may be? And, for what it's worth, you well know I can't stand kissing girls with facial hair; best to simply avoid them all together. So what's left that we can effectively do about them?"

The guys saw my reasoning, looked at the floor, mumbled and shrugged their shoulders. They knew I was right ...

Suddenly, an idea popped into my head that made me really happy.

That's me on the right ... really happy with my idea.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We're putting the word out to the good folks of Florida, currently in the midst of dealing with hurricane Hermine: If you see a group of guys dressed in barbershop duds with facial features verging on the drowned rat side of the coin (or, for that matter, a bad case of the frizzies) it's just The Bewhiskered Gentlefellows recovering from the effects of severe weather on their hairs. The Unbelievables invited them down to your great state for an outdoor weekend walking tour to showcase their musical "talents."

If you see something like this wandering the water-ravaged streets of Florida, don't worry:
It's just one of The Gentelfellows suffering the frizzies.

*snicker*

Hirsute hysteria!

fadnoun
An intense and widely shared enthusiasm for something, especially one that is short-lived and without basis in the object's qualities; a craze.
"prairie restoration is the latest gardening fad in the Midwest"

If something outlives being a fad, it becomes a thing.

thingnoun
An item or activity that used to be a fad.
"so I guess that's a thing now"

Something that used to be a fad but is now apparently a thing, because it's been happening for years now, is girls posing for photos with fake mustaches.

Now, we don't have anything against mustaches...

And I'm ppppprrrreeeetttyyyy sure we're on record as loving the ladies...

Hello once again, ladies!

But we are not fans of this thing that used to be a fad.
Why? Well, certainly not because of any hang-ups regarding gender identity issues,

We're soooo far beyond that!!

It might be because at least one of us (me) has an admittedly irrational fear of a possible velcro situation that might occur while kissing a 'stached lady. I don't know. What I do know is that this, as is usually the case, is the fault of a nefarious super villain. Specifically, this guy...

Who is he? What does he want? What's his name???
More to be revealed later!

In A New Jersey State of Mind

Feast your eyes, folks. This is the ad we should be paying attention to. The one that Clark shared on Wednesday was just a cover, and after some surreptitious and judicious investigation, we found that all the rogues in Wednesday's gallery of hirsute horribles also ordered product from the address above, in East Orange, NJ.

So we trekked across the continent to said address, and what should we find?

A coin-op laundry, no less.

So we decided to go in and inquire as to the whereabouts of the owner, and why a laundry would be advertising fake facial hair.

The surly counterstaff at first ddn't want to tell us anything, but after a little persuasion from our friend George (Washington, that is) we got to meet the owner. Or so we thought...

This was getting good. Tony "Monobrow" McGee was well known to us as a petty crook and lightbulb salesman, but we never figured he'd get himself mixed up in the lip-rug game. But, looking back, I guess it makes sense.

"What's the game, lads?" he cried as he saw who he was dealing with. "I ain't done nuffin', I swears to ya." Did I mention he was a New Jersey cockney?

"A likely story," interjected Clark. "What's the deal with the fake face furs, eh? Eh? EH!!??"

"Oh, is that wot this is about, lads? Calm dahn, no need to lose yer rag. Lemme just explain, it's all completely innocent, above board. I got me boney-fridays and everyfink, innit?" At this he produced from a drawer beneath the counter his business documents. Sure enough - he was licensed, bonded AND insured.

"Hmmm. Looks like he's on the level," said Michael, trying to sound like a hardboiled cop (New Jersey tends to have that effect on people), "but still, I think we should have a look around."

As it turned out, we never got the chance, because at that moment, the front door opened and who should saunter in but these two...

Mr. Waverly, sans Pith helmet. Handy with a machete.

Papa Dolmio, pitch man for Dolmio sauces. Handy with a ripe tomato.

I had seen enough. 

"Cuff'em and stuff'em boys," I barked (see what I said about New Jersey rubbing off on a person?), "and book'em, Danno, whatever that means!"

Once we had all three mustachioed villains in custody, we turned them over to the Feds. 

Unfortunately, Waverly and McGee were let go, because they couldn't find anything they'd done wrong.

And Papa Dolmio? Sent down for a long stretch. His crime? Crimes against the Italian language, including casual racism and playing a stereotype. As were his entire family. Need proof?

And the connection between foul fiends and hirsute hairiness? Search me!