Submission And Irony

Fact: We may have been looking at this entire situation as a major slight to our characters. "The Unreliables" - that short-lived BBC production - was a farce from the very beginning. Farces have a way of attraction Hollywood attention, however. As Clark detailed, why anyone would want the property for the big screen treatment is beyond us, but it moved in that direction and forward.

Fact: We realized quickly going in as "consultants" we had little (if any) say in things like story progression, character development, set location or production input. To say we were frustrated was and understatement.

Then? An epiphany ...

The three of us powwowwed one day while on the production set as "invited casual observers."

"Guys, we're going about this entire thing the wrong way. Hear me out:

"The standards these clowns are setting are so left of center there's no possible way anyone - not even the densest movie-goer - could mistake what's being put down on film is indicative The Unbelievables. And I say we embrace it ..."

Jeff and Clark looked at each other with disapproving twisted faces, exchanged them and looked back at me.

"Look: We buddy up to everyone - the producers, the set people, wardrobe (yeah, I know ... that's a tough one) and anyone else on the crew - and happily put in our two cents ... even though we know our two cents is worth less than two cents. Result? Everybody on staff is happy thinking we're happy and << BOOM! >> we let the residuals come tumbling in.

"Think about it: How many of these throw-away romps have come and gone with zero legacy left in their wakes? None of this is going to prick us where it counts. As The Unbelievables, we're Teflon-coated where this joke of a film is aimed. That's why we need to seem engaged and happy about the entire affair and keep going merrily along. I mean ... there is an audience for this kind of thing."

The guys weren't convinced.

"Hokay ... look at it this way: Clark? You've been looking to take your dinosaur dioramas upscale to new levels, right? Think of the influx of *ka-ching* that will no doubt come in when this flick is finished! I know it seems like a major put-down to your character when they have 'Mark' saying lines like 'Sometimes my penis doesn't even work' but, hey, Jeff and I know your penis works just fine. (I mean ... so we've heard.)

"And Jeff? I know they nixed that entire whipped potato encounter and left it on the cutting room floor, replacing it with drivel about your inadequacies but every single Unbelieva-Babe knows better, right? Right? Am I right? Again ... think of the big picture here ...

"And how about my role in the thing? When have I ever encouraged anyone to where pants? That's so uncharacteristic of me it isn't even funny.

"Remember: We're The Unbelievables. They couldn't do us harm if they tried ..."
 
That little pep talk did the trick. From that point on, each of us were overly enthusiastic about anything the director and producers suggested.

And things went swimmingly. The film commenced and wrapped and is currently in the marketing stages.

We even threw a major after-party with food and drink and plenty of Unbelieva-Babes on hand as eye-candy. Everyone had a smashing time.

It was a pretty easy party to throw.

Here's a scene prior to The Unbelieva-Babes showing up.

In the end? Well ... you should see all the improvements and renovations to the Unbelieva-Base simply from the advance we've garnered from the film's higher-ups. Especially to our arsenal department ...

Location, Location, Location

As Clark mentioned on Monday, we are being allowed some limited input on the production of the movie version of the cancelled-because-it-was-awful TV show The Unreliables, which was a thinly veiled parody of us. I mean, check out this morsel of dialogue:

MARK: I sure do love being a wheelman, and my studly AMC Gremlin is sure to attract the girls.

GEOFF: Shut up, Mark! Just because you passed your driver's test first time, you have to go on and on about your skills. I can drive too, ya know!

MICKEY: Yeah, me too. I learned from my Mamaw's neighbour Uncle Pete. Well, we called him Uncle, but he was just a neighbour really. He didn't really go home that much though, just spent a lot of time at our house, with Mamaw, redecorating the basement. Never did get it finished.

MARK: Gaw, Mickey, you never know when to stop sharing little anecdotes from your weird upbringing, do you?

MICKEY: Shut up, man!

MARK: You shut up.

MICKEY: Naw, you shut up!


....etc. Now what I have been given to do in this little, ahem, "project" is location development. Which means, essentially, that the production team pick locations for various shots, run them by me to ensure accuracy and then they go with something completely different, because frankly, they're assholes and I am only in it for the money. I'm certainly not in it for the fame, recognition or kudos, because there is absolutely none of that. But let me go ahead and give you a couple of prime examples of what I'm talking about.

I said once let's do a scene in the parking lot of either a Pizza Hut...

 or a Pizza King...

 so they went with a Wienerschnitzel. Not even in the same ballpark, guys!

Then there was a bank scene. I said we need to do it at a Great Western or a BB&T, something like these...

So what did they end up going with? 

Friendly's in Myrtle Beach. I mean, come on!

Then we needed to do a scene in a laundromat. Here are the two choices I picked...

Both ideal spots, I thought. What ended up in the film?

La Parrilla in Oakwood, GA. Nice food. I have eaten here.

And so I sensed a pattern emerging here. On the next scene they gave me, I didn't even look at the script, I knew it was going to end up being a restaurant. So here's what I suggested.

And they went with...?

It's a living, I guess.

We might have a big (screen) problem

Dedicated, devoted readers (and what other kind is there?) will remember when we talked about the short-lived BBC show "The Unreliables", an effort to humiliate us (as if). That show was cancelled due to bad ratings, but that hasn't stopped some fancy boys in Hollywood from developing the thing as a movie! We probably should have seen this coming, as turning TV shows into motion pictures is something that's been taking place for some time. It doesn't matter if the source material was any good, or even popular, to begin with The problem is, since it's a movie about a TV show that was a parody of us in the first place, we probably don't have a legal leg to stand on in terms of shutting it down. Thankfully, the producers have recognized that they don't want to be on our bad side and are allowing us some limited input on the production. I can tell you right now, I'm not entirely thrilled with dialogue like this:

GEOFF: Well, we're in danger again and completely unequipped to deal with it on any level. What should we do?MICKEY: We could ask a woman for help.MARK: We don't know any, remember? In spite of our incessant boasting, the truth is that we're actually very bad at women!GEOFF: He's right. Among our many, many, many issues is that we're not open enough with our feelings. MICKEY: Our lack of emotional depth is probably why we're so selfish and generally inadequate. MARK: Sometimes my penis doesn't even work.

Yeah, we're gonna need some red pens. And this doesn't even take into account things like casting, locations, soundtrack, merchandising. I'm sure the guys have thoughts on these concerns and maybe others.

An (Unreliable) Side Note

Speaking of unreliable ...

*knock, knock*

I opened the front door. A police officer was standing on the stoop. "Hello?"

"Good morning. Does a Clark Brooks live here?" he asked.

"Yes. Yes he does."

"Is he here? May I speak with him?"

"Sure. I'll get him. Hold tight a moment ..."

I ran inside and tracked him down. "There's a police officer at the door who wants to speak with you," I told Clark.

"What does he want?"

"To speak with you."

"Come with me. This smells fishy," Clark said. We both trotted down the hallway to the door.

Clark opened it to see the waiting officer. "Good morning. I'm Clark. May I help you?"

"Clark Brooks? You're the owner of a vintage yellow Corvette, correct?" the officer asked.

"Yes."

"There have been several reliable reports of a vintage yellow Corvette seen cruising down Main Street in the wee hours of this morning with several women spilling out of it. One account stated there were no less than 4 ladies barely inside the vehicle ..."

"Well ... that doesn't sound reliable to me. That's just not possible," Clark responded. "The 'Vette's only a two-seater ..."

"Were you driving down Main Street early this morning between the approximate hours of 12:45 a.m. and 1:15 a.m.?"

"No. I was here."

"Can you verify you were here during those times?" the officer shot back.

"Of course. I was on my computer ... buying robots."

"Robots?" the officer asked quizzically.

"Yes. I like robots. I have a printed receipt I can show you around the time you mentioned which will show the time of purchase. Someone is pulling a fast one on you, officer. I was never outside this location. Yesterday around noon when I was out getting some lunch, that was the last time I was around and about."

"So ... you weren't out driving around Main Street this morning?"

"No."

"And you didn't have half a dozen women spilling out from your Corvette?"

"No! I told you: It's a two-seater ..."

"I'd like to see that receipt if you don't mind," the officer requested. Clark went inside to get it. As he passed me, he threw up his hands and shrugged. I did the same back at him.

I heard giggling coming from the kitchen where Jeff was cooking something. In between the chuckling, he was half singing, half humming War's Spill The Wine: 

"... spill the wine, get that girl ... spill the wine, dig that pearl ..."

"The Unreliables"

Frequently, we make mention here of our many, many, many successful exploits when it comes to courting the fairer sex (females). As much as I'd like to say that we're batting 1.000 (so to speak), that simply isn't the case. Not all the ladies love us.

One of the most high-profile examples of that is Jeff's failed relationship from some time ago that impacted all three of us.
He was dating a woman named Polly who was a television executive with the BBC, a relationship that started out fine before curdling for some reason. She took it hard. So hard, in fact, that she attempted to exact revenge on us by producing a television show that made us look ridiculous, "The Unreliables".

Real subtle, Polly, Downright classy, in fact. Sheesh.

It starred Malcolm Lennon, Ian Jagger and Graham Ledzeppelin and was the story of three lazy, bumbling, incompetent crimefighters, a very thinly veiled parody of us. The characters names were Mark (me), Mickey (Michael) and Geoff (Jeff). Clearly, most of her ire was directed at Jeff but none of us came off very well in it. Here's a sample of dialogue from the show:

MICKEY: Well, great. As a result of doing something stupid, as usual, we're being held prisoner. Again.
MARK: What are we going to do about it this time? Keep in mind that I am emotionally stunted.
GEOFF: Don't ask me. I'm too busy with my own selfish and childish indulgences to try to make something of myself. In this case, making myself into someone who is not being held prisoner.
MICKEY: I've got to get out of here. I have girlfriends to neglect! Maybe we could climb over the wall.
GEOFF: That thing is at least a meter high. I haven't stretched because I never exercise and I'm not risking a rip in these pants, which are raggedy, covered in stains and not fit for a proper rubbish bin, yet I insist upon wearing them all the time.
MARK: How am I supposed to send mixed messages as to my level of commitment to some young woman who is too good for me in the first place from in here? Can we at least try the doorknob?
GEOFF: We could, but it's all the way over there and probably locked,
MICKEY: It's four steps away and I know for a fact it's unlocked. They walk right in and out when they deliver our food, which I eat like a slob and don't even offer to share.
GEOFF: Ugh. I'm just way too lazy to try, you guys!
MARK: I am so bad at sex!
MICKEY: We all are!
GEOFF: And weirdly proud of it!

Thankfully, the show didn't get great ratings and was cancelled (destroying the careers of everyone involved with it) before we had to sic the Unbelievalawyers on them.
Believe it or not, there are other instances where the ladies were less than impressed with us. Jeff and Michael will fill you in later this week.