Interview With A Stalker

So, it was my turn. I gingerly reached into the hat, not knowing whose name I would pull out. Under my breath, I chanted a mantra: "Not Petit. Not Petit. Not Petit." I unfolded the paper ever so slowly and breathed a large sigh of relief followed by a gasp. The sigh was because it wasn't our most hated villain Henri Petit, that malformed infantile tobacco-stained wretch. The gasp was because it was someone who had proven themselves in the past to be quite formidable. Little Debbie.

So, I duly rolled up to the private space in the Unbelievabase to await Little D's arrival. I noticed she looked a little different to how I remembered. She was also clutching an 8x10 glossy of our own Mr. Michael Noble (she seems to be a bit of a fan of his. There you go - it takes all sorts).

Here's how it went, after she was allowed to bring in a handcart full of boxed baked goods with her.

ME: What's all that stuff?
LD: Oh, that, it's a gift for you guys. (Grabs box of Honey Buns, proffers them) Snack cake?
ME: No, I'm good thanks. And by the way, that was question number one.
LD: Dangit! OK. Um, Do you think I stand a chance with Michael?
ME: No. Well, maybe if you, uh...
LD: If I what?
ME: Sorry, yes or no questions only. Nine to go. 
LD: But what were you going to say? If I lost some weight, is that it?
ME: Yes, and stop wasting your questions. You have eight left.
LD: That's really hurtful. It isn't easy being a super-villain-baker, you know (tears into box of Honey Buns and starts to devour them), I mean I try and I try but there's just so much stress in this job and I end up snacking on whatever's closest to hand, and... (sniff, sob)...
ME: My heart bleeds. Now then, hurry up. Next question.
LD: Have you always been this rude?
ME: Only with people like you. Seven.
LD: (composing herself) You sure you don't want a Zebra Cake? I can't tempt you with a Honey Bun?
ME: No, twice. Five left, Little Debbie - or, should I say, not-so-Little-anymore-Debbie.
LD: Will you please lay off the fat jokes!
ME: Yes. Four questions.
LD: Four?!?
ME: Yes. Three. Make'm good ones.
LD: Alright. Is there any way I can talk to Michael instead?
ME: No. You haven't asked a single worthwhile question yet. Two left.
LD: I don't suppose there's any chance of a do-over?
ME: No. Last one. And before you say anything - think. Just think what you are saying.
LD: (pause) Alright (sighs heavily). I'm seriously hoping you'll say yes to this. If I'm very good and promise to get out of the villainy game and because I want to get fighting fit and back in shape, is there a chance I can learn UnbelievaFu and UnbelievaZen?
ME: Listen, Debs. I wouldn't want you to go away thinking that this was a pointless waste of time for both of us, but you have to understand. You caused us a great deal of trouble and a lot of extra work. You're an unstable, emotional secret-eater who wants to drive every mom-and-pop local bakery out of business, not to mention some not-so-small ones too. You wanted to make sure your additive-filled crap was on every shelf in every store, so you could be super-rich and buy up the world piece by piece. 
LD: So...? Yes or no?
ME: I'm gonna have to say no.
LD: Waaaahhh!! (collapses in a teary, cakey heap and begins to weep freely)
ME: (to Kip the Mail Boy) Get her out of here. I have a date with a hot tub and a Rob Roy.
LD: But where's Michael?! Lemme ask Michael!!! MICHAELLLLL!!!!
ME: Don't let her ANYWHERE NEAR Michael, got it?

Oh, and yes - we kept all the baked goods. We tested them rigorously in our labs before consumption. I'm not saying Little Debbie's products are bad for you, but this is what my chair looked like after eating them.

"The Unreliables"

Frequently, we make mention here of our many, many, many successful exploits when it comes to courting the fairer sex (females). As much as I'd like to say that we're batting 1.000 (so to speak), that simply isn't the case. Not all the ladies love us.

One of the most high-profile examples of that is Jeff's failed relationship from some time ago that impacted all three of us.
He was dating a woman named Polly who was a television executive with the BBC, a relationship that started out fine before curdling for some reason. She took it hard. So hard, in fact, that she attempted to exact revenge on us by producing a television show that made us look ridiculous, "The Unreliables".

Real subtle, Polly, Downright classy, in fact. Sheesh.

It starred Malcolm Lennon, Ian Jagger and Graham Ledzeppelin and was the story of three lazy, bumbling, incompetent crimefighters, a very thinly veiled parody of us. The characters names were Mark (me), Mickey (Michael) and Geoff (Jeff). Clearly, most of her ire was directed at Jeff but none of us came off very well in it. Here's a sample of dialogue from the show:

MICKEY: Well, great. As a result of doing something stupid, as usual, we're being held prisoner. Again.
MARK: What are we going to do about it this time? Keep in mind that I am emotionally stunted.
GEOFF: Don't ask me. I'm too busy with my own selfish and childish indulgences to try to make something of myself. In this case, making myself into someone who is not being held prisoner.
MICKEY: I've got to get out of here. I have girlfriends to neglect! Maybe we could climb over the wall.
GEOFF: That thing is at least a meter high. I haven't stretched because I never exercise and I'm not risking a rip in these pants, which are raggedy, covered in stains and not fit for a proper rubbish bin, yet I insist upon wearing them all the time.
MARK: How am I supposed to send mixed messages as to my level of commitment to some young woman who is too good for me in the first place from in here? Can we at least try the doorknob?
GEOFF: We could, but it's all the way over there and probably locked,
MICKEY: It's four steps away and I know for a fact it's unlocked. They walk right in and out when they deliver our food, which I eat like a slob and don't even offer to share.
GEOFF: Ugh. I'm just way too lazy to try, you guys!
MARK: I am so bad at sex!
MICKEY: We all are!
GEOFF: And weirdly proud of it!

Thankfully, the show didn't get great ratings and was cancelled (destroying the careers of everyone involved with it) before we had to sic the Unbelievalawyers on them.
Believe it or not, there are other instances where the ladies were less than impressed with us. Jeff and Michael will fill you in later this week.