You Guys Go On A Head

You are no doubt aware of our stylishness, our grace, poise and elan. Our ability to look good in whatever situation we find ourselves.

Earlier this week we talked about jewellery and ring pops. I would like to briefly stray from that slightly, if I may, and talk about headgear. 

Some folks we know always have head adornments.

For instance...

Chinese fence Rei Ling likes to wear little plants on her head.

And FlyGirl keeps telling us to give her a buzz. Ho ho ho, very funny.

Ivan Antenna and his third-eye-scope.

We don't often wear stuff on our heads. It tends to be more trouble than it's worth. It gets in the way. It can block your sightline. But there have been times in the past when, incredible as it may seem, we all wore stuff on our heads. Our styles all differed, though. I was a hat person.

And there was a period in history when Michael took to wearing ornate hairbands to keep his (mercifully short-lived) mullet under control.

In fact, there was a time when Michael would regularly go out jogging with a couple of Unbelievababes, all wearing hairbands for no apparent reason.

But Clark? He's in a class of his own. But you knew that, didn't you?

Clark went through a phase of head adorning that was unlike anything we'd ever seen. And we are talking about the man that came up with the Wing Ring!

One time he tried to make himself look tougher by wearing a boxing glove on his head.

Let's not forget his Christmas decorations.

And then he bought himself a baby bonnet and wore it everywhere.

See? Clark rushes in where angels fear to tread. And that's what makes him Unbelievable. 

As for me, well, these days the only thing I put on my noggin is shades. Very useful things, shades, and us crimefighters find all sorts of uses for them beyond the usual 'protecting your eyes from the Sun's harmful UV rays'.

Pop goes the rings

There was a very, very brief period where we were all enamored with candy ring pops. Well, me more than we. And obsessed more than enamored. But I had valid reasoning!

• They're colorful and attention-attracting
• They're delicious
• Ladies love 'em

So yeah, all of those things are really only applicable at parties. Their presence is downright detrimental in tactical situations.

OR ARE THEY?!?

Much of the time we spend on missions is devoted to surveillance. Stake-outs, if you will. And do you know what happens when you're on a stake-out? You get hungry. For that reason, I had these handy prototypes drawn up...

A sandwich ring!

A wing ring!

A chowder ring!

And what could be better on a stake-out than a steak ring!

Genius, right? Thanks! But there was one inherent flaw; lots of our foes utilize guard dogs to protect their secret lairs and after we looked at the results from one field test...

...it was decided that it would be best to scrap this idea.

Accoutrements Not Needed

Chain Gag was one of our more notorious foes. But that was a long, long time ago.

And, really, he wasn't that much of a foe.

The most notorious thing about him was simply all that sparkling hardware. In the glaring sun, it was difficult to read him. But ... it was easy to see where he was at any point in time. And that was our advantage.

"The Unbelievables claim they're suave and fashion-conscious but your lack of jewelry says otherwise!" Chain Gag boasted once.

Once.

Because as he was yelling this at us, one of his nose rings broke when it caught in one of his bracelets and beads and bangles went flying everywhere.

"My beloved prop!" he yelled out, immediately dropping to his knees to save what he could of trinkets that went rolling every which way. Needless to say it was easy to defeat him while he was on the ground searching for baubles.

Which coincidentally led to another Unbelievable fan letter asking why we didn't wear any sort of jewelry - chains, necklaces, armbands, pins, etc. The response was the (brief) tale about Chain Gag.

I mean, really ... if The Unbelievables looked like this ...

... would we be as loved as we are? Or this?
 

 How about this?

(Much as we love Flavor Flav, Flav's got a style all his own ... but it's not our style.)

Really? All we need is a simple watch and we're good.

The guys will tell you other jewelry no-no's of ours and the reasons we stay far away from them.

Getting Dr. Hardick up and running

 "Needless to say, we immediately hit it off with Dr. Hardick."

Michael is right. On a personal level, which is what's most important when it comes to doctor-patient relationships, we were fast friends. But when it came to resources Dr. Hardick needed to set up his practice, he found the Unbelieva-base... wanting.

MICHAEL: Okay, doc. Here's your office. You're all set. See ya.
DR. HARDICK: Wait a minute. Where is everything?
JEFF: What do you mean? It's all there. Your desk, stocked with pens and notepads. A padded table for us to lay on while you look at our what-not's. There's even an eye chart on the wall.

DR. HARDICK: But what about actual medical supplies?
CLARK: Ohhh, I get it. He wants a nurse. I'm on it. I'll be right back.
MICHAEL: I don't think that's what he...
JEFF: Forget it. He's already in the car (distant sound of squealing tires)
DR. HARDICK: What am I supposed to treat you with when you're injured or sick?
MICHAEL: Injured?
JEFF: He means when we get shot and stuff.
DR. HARDICK: Yes, I'm assuming that's a risk that's fairly prevalent?
MICHAEL: Oh, constantly. We each get shot all the time.
DR. HARDICK: What? How often?
JEFF: Couple times a month, maybe? Sometimes more, sometimes less. It evens out.
MICHAEL: It's no big deal. We only ever get shot in the shoulder. It barely hurts anymore. When it happens, we look at is an opportunity to practice Our Three Gr's.

DR. HARDICK: 'Three Gr's'?
JEFF: Yeah, Grunt, Grumble and Grimace. It's a lot of fun, actually.
MICHAEL: There's nothing like delivering a threatening monologue while wounded and struggling to stand upright.
DR. HARDICK: And how do you treat these wounds??
MICHAEL: Oh, you know we just kind of patch each other up.
DR. HARDICK: 'Patch up'?
JEFF: Yeah, just kind of pat the bullet hole firmly a couple of times with your hand to stop the bleeding, put some tape on it and say something like 'Hang in there, buddy'.
MICHAEL: The bullets just sort of fall out later or we absorb them into our bloodstreams. Whatever.

DR. HARDICK: Dear lord! The fact that the three of you are alive is... unbelievable!
(JEFF and MICHAEL wink and exchange high fives) 

Shortly after that, I returned with Dr. Hardick's new nurse, Edith Softnwet

They immediately went shopping for bandages and creams and pills and stuff and we've all been fine ever since!

Dr. Hardick, Celebrity

Even funnier than our doctor's name was the way we went about picking him:

Randomly. Out of the phone book.

We moved into the Unbelieva-base and immediately found out we needed more than state-of-the-art anti-crime electronics and a hydraulic pop-up bar.

"Guys? I need to go to the doctor. It's way past time for my annual. Plus it's about the only place I can go in public around here and not have to wear pants," I told the guys one day.

"You have a doctor here in Stiletto Flats already?" Clark asked. "That was fast. I didn't realize you'd had the time to scare one up ..."

"I haven't. But I need to. I saw an office downtown the other day. I might as well just pop in there and see what it's like ..."

"Better idea!" shouted Jeff. "Let's do this the old fashioned way: Random phone book drawing!"

Clark and I looked at each other, then back at Jeff. "Brilliant!" we said in unison.

It just so happened there were a couple brand new phone books delivered and waiting for us when we first moved in. (Funny how that happens - the only things in a new place are usually a phone book and a roll of toilet paper, essentials for new owners as they first step into a new home or business.) We decided each of us would take the book, open a random page, plant a finger somewhere on it and circle whatever we came up with. Talk about your tried and true methodologies!

But when we'd written the final three down on a sheet of paper, it wasn't even a contest. Someone exclaimed "Oh, hell yeah!" and that was it. We had our winner: B.J. Hardick.

We reasoned anyone with a name like that had to be upstanding and professional, not to mention ballsy as all get out.

It was even decided all three of us would go in at the same time for physicals.* (Might as well get'em out of the way chop-chop.) Needless to say, we immediately hit it off with Dr. Hardick.

Fast forward to the present day.

Dr. Hardick has gone on to world-wide acclaim as the personal physician of The Unbelievables.

Some of the benefits of his association with us? Television appearances on all the big talk shows, international lectures, book deals with whirlwind signing tours, lucrative endorsements and more. The world is now his oyster.

Just one of the many advantages of being associated with us. You're welcome, Dr. B.J Hardick.

Oh ... and his chuckle-inducing name? It's never come into question since. (Though, some of that fame and fortune did go to his head briefly at one point: He had inklings of wanting to revert back to his given name, I Sawyer-Bitz. Fortunately, we talked him out of that decision which could have been a monumental professional disaster.)

*Side Note: That first meeting is where Jeff got a bit googly over his assisting nurse, Angie O'Gram ... something he "conveniently" failed to mention. But that's another story entirely.

Doctor In The UnbelievaBase

We've told you a lot about our exploits over the years. We've related tales of villains we've dealt with, celebs we know, ladies we've met (Hello, ladies!!!) disguises we've worn, annoying pipe-smoking toddlers we've kicked through plate glass windows, cars we've driven, even records we listen to. One thing we've never discussed, though, is our doctor.

This morning, we got an email from one of our fans with a question we had never been asked before, from Emma Royds of Zolfo Springs, FL:

I love reading about all your exploits and adventures, but you guys sure do get yourselves into some scrapes. You never mention getting any injuries, though - are you super-human or do just have a really good physician?

Your pal, Emma 

Well, Emma, we do like to think that we are pretty resilient but we're definitely not (quite) superhuman. We do get the occasional boo-boo or owie. And when we do, it's the job of this man to fix us up.

This, folks, is our personal physician,  Dr. B.J. Hardick, treating Michael for an ear infection.

Now, I know what you're thinking. That's a made up name, eh? Well, you could not be more wrong. 

Here's his name tag if you want proof.

 It isn't his birth name, though. He changed it from Dr. I. Sawyer-Bitz, so it's an improvement.

He has a nurse who assists him in his daily duties.

Her name is Angie O'Gram, and she's very small. Seen here is Clark with a headache.

Here are a few pics of Dr. Hardick at work.

"Say aaaah." "Why?" "My dog's died."

That's right, Dr. Hardick was also personal physician to The King. Apparently Elvis was so concerned for his health that Dr. Hardick needed four assistants to keep up with his needs.

Not really sure what's going on here. Move along.

"Where's my Ibuprofen?" Clark still has a headache.

Michael and Clark will tell you more medical tales later in the week.

It's About The Kids ... Nothing More

Here's the thing:

When our foes observe something they think is from us, something they believe causes them slight, they immediately go into action to try to counter it.

In this case? Our success with The Li'l Unbelievables.

Honestly, when we put the idea together it was all about the kids. Nothing more.

Clark, Jeff and I simply don't understand how our foes see The Li'l Unbelievables and think we're thumbing our nose at them. Do you see any hint of that? No? Neither do we.

"Oh! Look at The Unbelievables this week! They think they're better than us by catering to children and parents! We'll show them!"

In their eyes, it's all about them. They see it as us stepping on their toes. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Regardless, it's not stopping them from launching faux rhetoric in an attempt to besmirch us. But they can't even get that right.


We're not certain who it is - it might be a collaborative effort from several of our enemies, who knows? - but someone has begun putting out kids' books to make The Li'l Unbelievables look bad. Naturally, these books are failing spectacularly; the public is not fooled.

Here ... let me show you:

This is just wrong. A feeble attempt to not only sully Clark's good name but imply he's other than pleasant to be around. And we all know that's simply not true. (Mostly.)

Wow. Just ... wow. 

Really? Kids are going to believe this? I mean they're kids. Impressionable and innocent, yes ... but who's ever heard of a whipped potato monster?

Known Fact: All kids love whipped potatoes. So ... this? Nothing but a sad, pitiful fabrication.

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin with this one. The implications alone fly far overhead of any child I know.

But here's the real kicker: There's actually small print on the inside cover of this book that states: "In the interest of decency no actual photographs of Michael in any state of undress were used in the creation of this book. Federal, state and local laws prohibit the use of any such photographs siting child pornography concerns."

Unreal.

I had a few tales lined up in light of Clark's mention Monday ...

Parents: Gather your kids and see what happens next when Li'l Jeff and Li'l Michael continue our story of Stylish Tots and the mischief they get into!

... until the above examples started appearing on the shelves of bookstores everywhere.

Worry not though, folks. Character defamation letters have already gone out courtesy of The Law Offices of Poon.