I Don't Like Bob

The kicker was this: I didn't like Bob.

And I let it be known I didn't like him, either.

"What's wrong with Paris the redhead?" I asked the guys. "I'm certain the Unbelieva-Babes won't mind a 'Paris The Mail Seductress' added to the fold," I tried to reason.

Do you see any problem with Paris taking over the mailroom duties? Neither do I ...
But I was overturned. Things like "the mailroom is sacred ground" and "there's no need for distractions while our fanmail is being sorted" and "there are only so many duties that can be performed in high heels" were among the many (substandard) excuses bandied about.

I relented. But I wasn't giving in.

Oh, sure, Bob could use a mailroom scanner ...

... but doesn't everyone know how to use a mailroom scanner?

There was something a bit skeevy about Bob Diggity, his last name being not the least of it all. I couldn't put my finger on it. I began doing some digging ...

... and came up with this previous image of him:

Looks like a red flag photo to me ...

 
Right then and there, the tables turned regarding Bob's "qualifications ...

What About Bob?

As you might recall from a couple of weeks ago, Kip, our mail boy, turned out to be a makeshift robot with a latex skin piloted by that tiny pipe-smoking holy terror tot Henri Petit. Once the jig was up, we found ourselves without a mail boy. So naturally we received hundreds of applications almost immediately, and we have been conducting interviews this week, which is why this post is late. 

Most of the applications were accompanied by photos that looked like these:

We hurriedly turned these applications over to the Unbelievababes and they excitedly pored over them. The girls do get bored on the odd occasion and the prospect of showing the ropes to some new blood filled them with glee.

There were also some more 'professional-looking' CVs, such as this one:

This is apparently "Glenda Campbell". However, we soon discovered this pic had been taken from a catalogue for office furnishings.

We had narrowed it down to two candidates when this one was also revealed to be a fraud, as well as a terrible actor.

I'm happy to say I think we have found the ideal candidate. Ladies and gents, may I please welcome to the fold...

Bob Diggity, office guy extraordinaire. Here he is, getting the Unbelievababes to help him get settled in.  As you can see, he's our kinda guy.

Attitude Is Everything

 This "panel" provided as example only.

Image not indicative of The Unbelievables on stage.

(Actual panel would be more exciting ... but Unbelievables would be wearing suits.)

Clark had the right idea.

Jeff? He just had a temporary burr in his saddle.

Both Clark and I believed Unbelievacon will be a smashing success.

Jeff? Not so much. It's as if we had to drag him in by the short hairs in order to get him on board ...

... which is a bit unusual for Jeff.

Usually he's happy go lucky, a team player. He pops up with some pretty spiffy ideas. Contributes to causes and more with enthusiasm.

For example: Did you see some of those seminars he has planned for Unbelievacon?

"Hi-Fi Appreciation" ... ??? "Lights Of The Future ... Now!" ... ??? "Home Decor The Unbelieva-Way" ... ??? Heck ... I'd sign up for those if I didn't already live'em with the guys! Our fans are going to eat that stuff up!

And that's what I mean. With workshops like those, why the hesitation about Unbelievacon? Personally, I think he was in the midst of a rough patch at the time, a particular bad mood about some such. Luckily, he snapped out of it.

Anyway, he really got on board when I pulled my latest stunt on the guys. It was part effort to cheer Jeff up and get him over the hump, part mutual camaraderie for putting together the event to make certain it moved forward as a genuine "Unbelievasuccess" (as Clark put it) and part April Fool's joke. (I missed out on April 1st last week. I don't remember why.)

So ... last Saturday I left an anonymous note for the guys:

"Compadres, I think Jeff might be right. This Unbelievacon thing ... I'm not so certain about it. Maybe we should reconsider ..."

At the bottom of the note was an arrow indicating the pages should turned over as there was more written on the reverse.

Image provided as example only.

(Actual "Michaels" photo would not include men in the background.
And photo of me with some of our fans was, shall we say, a bit NSFW.)

There, a picture of me (sans pants) with half a dozen or so fans (female, of course) wearing some of the souvenir Lobster Rage Fist gloves we had ordered for Unbelievacon. I was in the middle of the beauties and all of us were waving in front of the world famous Las Vegas sign.

"APRIL FOOLS! Just out for the weekend drumming up a little pre-event business to get the word out. See you Monday!"

Clark rolled his eyes, tried to stifle a smirk and looked over at Jeff. Jeff's smile went wide and carefree.

"You know?" he confessed to Clark. "Maybe Unbelievacon won't be such a chore after all ..."

Actual unretouched photo of Las Vegas sign.

Unbelieva-Conned? Nah.

Let me just preface this piece by saying that I was against the Unbelieva-Con idea from the get-go. I still maintain that it is just a cold, cynical, money-making, T-shirt-selling exercise that does nothing to further the cause of the Unbelievables, namely crime-fighting. All it does is make money, which we don't need, because we are all three independently wealthy. So what is the point? I don't know, because I was outvoted two to one.

"This kind of fanfest is all the rage now, Jeff," intoned Michael. "It like, lets the fans know we care, and stuff."

I actually snorted. "Like they didn't know that?! I hold that the entire reason for our existence is because we care! We care so much we decided to fight crime. That's caring for you, dammit!"

But no matter what I said, I got shouted down. Unbelieva-Con was a go, and nothing I could do would stop it.

"Besides, we've already hired the Stiletto Flats Convention Center and everything," said Clark. "If we cancel now, we'll lose our deposit."

"Not to mention disappointing our legions of fans" added Michael.

So, it is with heavy-hearted resignation that I announce our dumb ol' convention, coming soon. I have been told I have to host a half-dozen or so workshops, including one about whipped potatoes. So I decided that if I have to do it, I should at least make the rest of them interesting to do. So it is with great pleasure I can tell you that, should you choose to attend Unbelieva-Con, you can sign up for some great Jeff-hosted workshops and seminars, including but not limited to:

(1) Hi-Fi Appreciation:

(2) Check Strides: Join The Revolution

(3) Home Decor The Unbelieva-Way

(4) Form Your Own Male Vocal Group

(5) Co-ordinates For Modern Couples

(6) Setting Up Your Home Bar

(7) Lights Of The Future... Now!

As you can see, at $5 a pop, these Jeffinars™ represent real VFM (that's Value For Money, folks).

Unbelievacon is sure to be an Unbelievasuccess!

Following in the footsteps (but definitely not ripping off the concept) of successful fan conventions, or "cons", like Comic-Con, Lebowski Fest and Camp Furry Weekend, we're pleased to announce...

1st Annual Unbelieva-Con!

(Date and location TBD)

It will be similar to Unbelievaland, but different. It will still be all about the fans, though.

There will be panel discussions

'Pros and Cons of Kicking Butt'. Guess which side we'll be on?

Cosplay

A group of "Michaels"

Collectibles for sale

Certified hand-whipped by Jeff!

Skill demonstrations

"Okay, I'm going to need a volunteer."

And so much more!

Jeff and Michael will give you additional info later this week.

It's Not A Mistake, It's A Learning Opportunity

Errors of judgement. Tactical mistakes. Looking foolish. Egg on face.

These are all things that happen to even such infallible persons such as our great selves. But in our case, much less frequently than your average Joe Schmoe Q. Public. Because, at the risk of sounding egotistical, we ARE that good.

Speaking from a personal standpoint, my error catalog seems to encompass food and food-related items more than the others. For example:

That one time I made a humongous batch of whipped potatoes for our annual Summer 'Q (which included live performances by Penn and Teller impersonators Schmenn and Schmeller, 

In this version, Schmenn is the one that doesn't speak.

Michael Bublé tribute act Paddy O'Dors,

 and Smash Mouth), and put sugar in them instead of salt by mistake! The lead singer of Smash Mouth, Steve Harwell, was so irritated he went on a tirade, much like this one when he was playing a gig at a Food Festival and someone in the audience threw bread at him. I mean, come on! You're at a Food Festival! What else are people gonna chuck at you? Mud? This isn't Glastonbury!





I explained that the sugar was accidental and he calmed down after a few shots of Old Grand-Dad. Oh how we laughed.

Then there was the time we were staking out a pizza buffet in the case known as "Stuffed Crust Smugglers". Clark and I almost gave the game away when we realised we were hungry and called for some pizza to be delivered, only to discover we were accidentally dialling the number of the place we were staking out! Oh how we laughed.

I also recall the moment when, during a cocktail party with the Unbelievababes, I was blending up some frozen alcoholic treats when I reached for my trusty strainer and accidentally pulled a gun on myself and nearly blew my own bloody head off! Oh how we laughed.

Here's a better idea.

To cap it all, then there was the time I put my own and everyone else's safety in jeopardy when, during a high-speed chase, I felt peckish and popped open the glovebox to reveal a new addition I'd made to the 'Vette - a fold-out chopping board - and started to whip up a salmon salad with microgreens, cracked black pepper and lemon vinaigrette. The guys were so overcome by the delicious aromas that Clark nearly lost control and missed a guard rail by millimetres. Long story short, we got our man, but the guys were pissed at me. Once they'd eaten, however, all was forgiven.

NB. Not actually us.

Oh how we laughed.

Regrets? I've had a few.

Just kidding! I haven't had any regrets whatsoever!
HA HA HA HA HA!!
I'm happy with everything I've ever done as an Unbelievable. Everything!

Okay, there might be a small handful of situations I could have handled better, but those turned out to be terrific learning experiences!

EXAMPLE 1:

This was a hired goon guarding the high-rise office of a business tycoon that we needed to question regarding his involvement with a chain of fast food restaurants that we had determined was a front for a French Maid trafficking operation. I thought he was trying to keep us out of that office but it turns out he was just offering to validate our parking. Oops!

"Mon Dieu, Zank yew, Monsieur Clark!"

UPSIDE: Fifi was VERY grateful to be rescued. VERY grateful, if you catch my meaning. Meaning, that she showed her gratitude with kisses and snuggles and... Oh, you figured that out? All right then.

EXAMPLE 2:

This one time, the Unbelieva-base was undergoing some renovations and we had to temporarily rent space in an office building downtown. A guy came in and asked, "Excuse me, can you tell me how to find the Stilleto Flats Municipal Showgirls Hall of Fame?" and I kicked him out the window. A tad extreme, but...

UPSIDE:
... the Stilleto Flats Municipal Showgirls Hall of Fame was located on the ground floor.


EXAMPLE 3:

"I am so sick and tired of this $#@%#@ TV being on the fritz!"

UPSIDE:

Okay, so this wire thing actually is important. Now I know. Great. Thanks.



My point is, when it comes to my career as a member of The Unbelievables, I regret absolutely nothing. Nothing! I have zero regrets! Not a single one!!

I do kind of regret my "Tropical Traveler" phase.