Teamwork is the key!

Ironically, I wasn't present for this photoshoot.

People are often amazed at our incredible track record of success. "Are you guys inhuman? Don't you ever make mistakes?", they ask. The answer to one of those questions is no and the other answer is yes. When we have strayed from the team dynamic, we have come up with sub-optimal results.

I remember this one time, we had all decided to take on our own individual public service efforts.

Michael had scheduled a camera crew to come to The Unbelieva-base to film him offering a myriad of handy tips. Unfortunately, he hadn't planned anything in advance and was just walking around, hoping to find things to comment on, with the camera crew following him. He wandered into the kitchen and was relieved to see that someone had left the refrigerator door open.

"Ah yes. Leaving the 'fridge door open. There's no need to cool the great outdoors; global warming has seen to that!" 

He winked, smiled, gave a thumbs-up and closed the door before moving on to other rooms, looking for other areas of household malfeasance.

What he didn't realize was that Jeff had hired a camera crew of his own and that they were shooting an instructional video on how to responsibly handle human organs that had been harvested and would be donated to needy patients. As Michael left the kitchen, Jeff walked in, carrying an Igloo Playmate cooler containing a human head that was slated to be grafted on to the body of an unfortunate person who had somehow lost or damaged his own.

"Now, by planning ahead and opening the refrigerator door before retrieving the container, I can simply place it inside and not worry about any mishaps that could result from a clumsy attempt to open it while...what the...?!?"

Being a pro, Jeff was looking at the camera the whole time and didn't see the door was closed. Instead of sliding the Igloo Playmate inside, he banged it against the door, it popped open and the frozen head fell out  It was slippery (due to being frozen), kind of round and also gross so nobody was able to pick it up as it rolled through the kitchen, under a table and down a hallway, where Michael had just laid out some mousetraps, thumbtacks and lit matches in order to illustrate a point about the dangers of leaving common household items lying around. The head gathered these items like a human snowball as it made it's way into the dining hall, where I was hosting a press luncheon  and trying to deal with a public relations issue facing my ill-fated community initiative, "Violence Solves Everything!". .

"I've heard some of you in the media express some doubt about this initiative. Why, I've even heard that it has actually led some of you to have concerns about The Unbelievables use of torture in interrogating suspects. That's absurd! Let me assure you that we have never, ever..."

At that exact moment, I was interrupted by horrified screams as a reporter saw the head, now adorned with mousetraps, colorful thumbtacks and a couple of burn marks, skid to a stop next to our table. This was followed by Jeff bursting into the room and yelling, "Get back here, you sonofa..." with Michael right behind, shouting, "Do it again! I need to get it on video this time!"

Yes, we've learned that we are much more effective as a unit that works together. The guys will clue you in on some other examples.

Just a Few Notes

From time to time here at Unbelieva-base, the mail we get is not of the question-and-answer variety, rather it is in the form of the dreaded ransom note. There are a few in today's mailbag, so let's peruse them, shall we? The guys are all here today, so we can give replies 'in real time', so to speak. Here we go...

Michael: That's not our mower.

Jeff: No, it sure isn't.

Clark: HP Sauce? HP? It's the work of that ugly horrid baby Henri Petit. What kind of idiots does he take us for?

Michael: Stupid ugly baby.

Jeff: That's NOT our car.

Clark: No sirree. 

Michael: What kind of threat is that? There is no threat. Just 'we want money for this car'. There's supposed to be an "OR ELSE..." isn't there?

NB. This certainly isn't our car. We have had several, and the way you can tell it's OUR car is obvious. Examples...

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes again.

No. No sexy ladies, and impossible to see out.

Michael: Well, that's just rude.

Clark: Yeah. As if we'd own a Trabant Limo! Hahahaha! Lime green, even! Hahaha!

Jeff: Yeah... that's just, um, ridiculous.

Michael: See you guys later!

Clark & Jeff: Whatever.

Clark: What are you doing?

Jeff: Um, nothing, just checking to see if my phone is fully charged and switched on.

 Clark: I knew he'd figure that out eventually. Stupid baby.

More from the mailbag

Yep, we do indeed get mail, which we read AND answer! Check it out...

Dear Unbelievables,
In which way are you most disappointed that life isn't like cartoons?
Sincerely, 
B. Watterson

Dear B,
Definitely the fact that bullet holes in bad guys' heads don't come out perfectly round and don't always go all the way through.


Dear Unbelievables,
Ultimately, doesn't a word, ANY word, only have as much power as you give it? I mean, come on.
Sincerely,
P. Deen

Dear P,
Yes. You douchenozzle.


Dear Unbelievables,
If you're not guilty, you have nothing to hide. Right?
Sincerely,
K. Alexander

Dear K,
Somehow, I think you already know how we feel about that.


Dear Unbelievables,
I can't decide whether I want to be a DJ or a social media guru. What should be my first step?
Sincerely,
A. Teen

Dear A,
Fill this out


Dear Unbelievables,
What's one thing that doesn't get a lot of attention that makes you such effective crimefighters?
Sincerely,
C. Urious

Dear C,
I'd say it's actually a healthy level of respect for our foes. Not for their values, of course, but for their skills and abilities. It keeps us from underestimating them.


Dear Unbelievables,
I'm so glad you said that, because I have a fiendishly clever riddle for you: What starts out "blue", becomes "slippery when wet" before turning "red all over"? Hmmmm? Engage me in this cunning game of cat-and-mouse, won't you?
Sincerely, 
H. Petit

Dear Henri Petit,
Oh my God, you fat stupid ugly baby. More of your fat, stupid, infantile, made-up nonsense?


Dear Unbelievables,
I'm not a baby and it's not nonsense. It's an incredibly difficult riddle. I worked really hard on it and it involves the safety of a top governemnt official's family, so...
Sincerely,
Henri

Dear Petit,
I'm on my way over there and I'm going to beat you with your own high chair for a half hour and then I'm going to punt you through a plate glass window, you horrible, ugly, horrible child..


Dear Unbelievables,
Just kidding. Please don't come over.
Sincerely,
Henri "for the last time, I'm not a child" Petit

We Get Mail

We, The Unbelievables, get letters. Yes ... we do.

It's not all about crime fighting, ridding the world of evil doers and throwing fabulous entertainment extravaganzas (Hello, Ladies!) ... let me tell you.
 
Sometimes? It's necessary to tussle with some of the more difficult questions the world throws our way. For example ...

Dear Unbelievables,

Who's the person determining the colors that are "in" for the upcoming fall season? And I hear some joker decided one-piece bathing suits will make a splash next summer, not the more flesh-friendly attire? Come on! I'm having a hard time believing this! And just who the hell says stripes are "the thing" and plaids have gone the way of the dinosaur? What crap!

The fashion industry is nothing more than a big steaming pile! Get to the bottom of this, will you?

Thank you in advance, Clara Beau

Important stuff - I'm sure you'd agree. This was our collective response: 

Clara:

You're right. It's crap. And here's why:

There's no one person who says yellow is the new color for the fall season. Truth be told, the left hand of the fashion industry doesn't know what the right hand is doing. It could be as simple as too much yellow fabric left over from last year's fashions and those guys with their noses in the air just want to get rid of all of it.

The result? << BOOM! >> Yellow is in.

It's like wine: "This Pinot Headache-O vintage has strawberry essences and a woody finish." Bull pucky. The same strawberry that tastes like a strawberry to you might have a completely different taste to us. Granted, it will still taste like a strawberry - and we identify it as such - but we're all individuals with individual likes and differentiations.

The bottom line is this: There's not a whole lot we can do about this situation other than refuse to conform to what "they" mandate. Wear whatever it is you like and love yourself for doing so.

It's the best revenge.

Regards

The Unbelievables
Twitter: @StylishGents

And then there was this little gem the guys decided to pass along to me:

And my response ...

Dear Billy:

You need to understand Mom and Dad are paying the bills. They're the ones who keep a roof over your head and food on the table. So right this moment it's their call on where you go to school.

And if that school mandates uniforms? You're kind of SOL. So here's my advice: Conform, Billy, and get used to the fact that until you hit 18 years of age you're up a creek without a paddle.

Good luck.

Your pals, The Unbelievables

P.S. The best revenge will be that one day you, too, will probably have kids. Then you can subject them to the same unfairness your parents foisted on you. It's called "paying it forward." You just need a little patience.

We Want To Be Your Rubber Ball

Both my compatriots Jeff and Clark have done admirable jobs denoting our muscalities. (Though, Clark's mention "one of the questions I am most frequently asked by fans and foes alike" is a little questionable ... especially coming from our foes who are usually either on the run from us or dazed and confused in the hoosegow.) Regardless, there's one final item worth stating here in conclusion. 

A personal preference of mine (in addition to Esquivel!) is a little ditty that blisters the ladies' sensibilities ("Hello, Ladies!") when they hear it tear the air asunder, instantly dialing up the party mood  excitement level to "11" ... and making us Unbelievables the suave and stylish gentlemen you all know us to be:

I can see your resistance to getting up and getting down is wearing away even now. Because ... we are your Boogie Men.

Not so "unbelievable" after all ...

Disc delights and disasters

Not a complaint really, but being The Unbelievables means we often don't have time for many of life's simple joys. One of those pleasing pastimes is simply whiling away the hours by browsing the local record stores. Even when it's time to throw one of our Unbelieva-bashes, there's so much work that goes into the guest list, the menu and the post-affair accommodations (ahem) that we have to dispatch interns to pick up new music... and of course there has to be new music. Can you imagine someone attending one of our shindigs and complaining that they'd heard a tune or two before? The horror! No, in order to avoid that party foul, we often have to cram a wad of bills into some intern's cold sweaty palm and send them off. Their instructions are always simple: "1) Sexy 2) Girls", yet somehow they still manage to mess it up. Here are some choices the interns have made over the years, some of which that brought a few Unbelievable shindigs to a premature and immediate end.

Ah! Classic! Perfect! Well done, whomever it was that bought this one! I'm sure we wrote a stellar evaluation on your half, thanks to this!

Augh. No. Terrible. You got the gist of the assignment but you didn't apply any taste to it. This is too blatant. We like subtlety. Foreplay begins in the mind, you know. Much sexier that way. This is a  failure.

Much more like it! See? Very subtle. Plus, this album is slammin' . Good work!

Again, utter lack of subtlety. Plus, you know we are sticklers for fair play and follwoing the rules. In what sanctioned boxing match would anything pictured in this scenario EVER happen? Come on!

On the surface, at first sight, not bad. But ukeleles? No. No ukeleles.

There is such a thing as following our instructions too literally and this is it. We didn't have a  party for three years after this showed up on our turntable.

Spinnin' Discs

It is by now a well-documented fact that we Unbelievables are not only the slickest crime fighters around, but our position as bastions of impeccable style and tip-top taste is unparalleled. We are, as they say, pretty cool guys.

One of the questions I am most frequently asked by fans and foes alike is: what's your taste in music, and how can one discern whether a record album is any good if one hasn't heard it?

Well, I'll give you a little tip or two. 

A good general rule of thumb is, if the title contains the words 'A Go Go', it is a pretty safe bet.

Never far from my turntable.

Quite often I'll be found down at the local record shop (named Sound Business Practices), plugged in to one of the listening stations, checking out a new platter or two. I have found that the sleeve art can give you a clue as to the quality of the music found therein. Like f'rinstance...

Double trumpets - you know it makes sense.

Sometimes you see an act live in person and you rush out and buy their hot wax immediately. Examples...

I met Daniel backstage and asked about the jacket. "One of a kind," he said. I tried to buy it off him but he wouldn't hear of it. "This is mah lucky jacket, it's made mah cuh-reer." Oh well, can't blame a guy for trying.

Been following the Duke for many years now, ever since that show at the North Wigan Copacabana Rialto and Miners' Welfare Club back in '70. Great night - dodging flying pint pots and practising my dance moves.

I totally dig records by Robert Mitchum too. That guy knows how to fake a Jamaican accent. Calypso Is Like So is a classic.

And generally speaking, if an artist has cared about the needs of butt-kickin' crimefightin' playboys such as ourselves enough to make sure there's a scantily clad beauty on the cover, then we're bound to put it on the stereogram before you can say SKAT!*

Billy is somewhat of a hero of ours. See the 'Hot Platters' tab at the top of the page.

See you at the record store! 

* SKAT is a very useful thing indeed...especially when with the ladies (Hello, ladies!)