A Brief History Of The Concept Of Time, and T-Shirts

A few years ago while vacationing in sunny Mansfield, OH...

They do the best scrambled eggs here, by the way.

I was at breakfast when a guy walked in wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the mantra "Time is an invention."

Well, you know, that set me to thinking. If this was true, then who was responsible for inventing it? And why? I immediately accosted said stranger and inquired of him where he purchased his shirt. I knew he didn't find it in Mansfield, that's for damn sure. I know, I looked all over Mansfield for an interesting T-shirt and I came away with this one.

Pretty pedestrian, I trust you'll agree.

He told me he'd bought it via mail order. A small ad in the back of a CB magazine, apparently. His handle was StringVest. I didn't really need to know that, but he told me anyway. I told him that it really wasn't relevant, but he told me I'd just eyeballed StringVest and was to remember that. Why, I can't fathom, but there ya go. It takes all sorts, doesn't it?

The magazine in question was this issue of CB Action.

Nice cover.

The ad in the back was for a T-Shirt and sweater company. There was an address to send for a catalog. Just out of curiosity, I sent for one. When it arrived three days later, I was impressed by the quality and selection of T-shirt designs. 

Show me the way.

Class.

They even had cool CB sweaters. 

I know what Michael "The Sweater King" is getting for Christmas.

Still, I couldn't see the "Time Is An Invention" shirt. So I headed straight to the library to see what I could dig up about it. I ploughed through book after book - science, philosophy, nature, encyclopaedias, National Geographics, tomes and pamphlets....

I came away with a massive headache from reading about the Planck scale, wormholes and the very existence of time. Does it exist or is it a human concept? We don't see time pass, just the hands of clocks moving, all that stuff. Didn't get me any closer to finding out about that t-shirt, or where I might purchase one. No help. And what, you may be asking, does any of this have to do with Temporal Al OR Henri Petit?

All I know is, Temporal Al is a shady, shifty figure, and his mucking about with time shenanigans are not going to stop anytime soon. Did you know it was he that decided on NINE minutes being the ideal amount of time for a snooze? When you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock, you get nine minutes. Not ten. Not fifteen, which might be considered a good amount of time for a proper snooze. But nine. See, he's messing with us.

So I'm sorry, folks, if you were expecting some sort of neat conclusion to all of this, but we are having tremendous difficulty even pinpointing Temporal Al's whereabouts, not to mention how we go about stopping him once we find him. I apologise. 

However, I'm off to the kitchen. It's Michael's birthday and I'm going to whip him up a batch of my extra-special whipped potatoes, with Spam fritters, but ssshhh! Big secret. Michael no know, savvy?

Oh, and speaking of T-shirts, I have one for his birthday present. Wanna see?

Does anybody really know what time it is?

Ahh, Temporal Al. An ongoing nightmare (or daymare, who can even be sure anymore?) for us and for all of civilized society. Who do you think is behind the fact that the last two minutes of a football game can last for over an hour? Who won't allow an extra minute or two for poor Jack Bauer to visit a restroom once in while? Who's really responsible for the health problems that result from having a four-hour erection? Temporal Al, of course. His antics have mucked things up so badly that many people are seriously stressed out about it.

"No, seriously, WHAT TIME IS IT?!?"

Of course, you've already figured out his greatest crime against humanity: Daylight Savings Time. Every year, he steals an hour from you on a Saturday night in the spring time. Sure, he eventually gives it back. But in the fall, which makes it dark and gloomy at 5:00PM. Gee, thanks a lot, Al.

His credo is "Time is money... except time is much better because even when you spend it, there's still more", which is his way of saying that he creates all this mayhem for fun, not profit. This makes him the worst kind of villain because it's almost impossible to deal with him reasonably.

Overall, we've had little success against him. However, we were able to thwart a partnership between him and the vile Henri Petit, a coupling which could have proved disastrous.

"Well hello, Unbelievajerks. Surprised to see me here? I notice you all admiring my new watch chain which is attached to my new pocket watch, a gift from my new partner Temporal Al. But it's more than a watch; it's an incredibly powerful weapon, making me more dangerous than ever! I won't bother trying to explain to you how it works. Suffice to say... your time is up!! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

We accomplished this by taking the watch away from him and holding it just high enough above his head that he couldn't jump up and reach it. Then when we got tired of that, we kicked him out of a window and threw his stupid toy watch in the garbage.

"It's not a toooooooooooooy..."

Temporal Al remains a problem for us to solve. Jeff will further update you all on Friday.

Time And Again

See the date of this post? December 1st. How did that happen?  Wasn't it just November? A few weeks ago we were celebrating the 4th of July ... no? Who is responsible for time being so fleeting or painfully turtle-like? 

It's all the doing of one of our most heinous, nefarious foes: Temporal Al.

Al, you see, has the ability to alter time. He makes it indescribably slow for children ("Are we there yet?") and lightspeed fast for adults ("Wasn't it just your birthday last week?").

Al is mad, bad and dangerous to know. The problems he's caused us ... the trouble we've had to deal with because of him.  

Clark and Jeff will fill you in ...