S.M.U.D.G.E.: Not Quite As Dumb As A Bag Of Hammers ...

S.M.U.D.G.E.: Even their logo is dippy.

One of the things we knew about S.M.U.D.G.E. (Scientific Modification Using Digital Genetic Enhancements) from the very start? They're sketchy as all get out.

And that's not just the general consensus of just The Unbelievables. That's coming from governments and other agencies world-wide, both local and international: FBI, MI5, Scotland Yard, The Christmas Island 3 1/2, The Girl Scouts of America, The Harlem Globetrotters, more. Their methodologies are not only heinous but questionable.

And The Unbelievables have first-hand experience knowledge about the organization as it turns out.

Something not generally known was the hoopla surrounding the inclusion of none other than George Takei into our little band of suave gentlemen. Long ago, S.M.U.D.G.E. infiltrated our ranks behind our backs. Remember the "Flared Jean Funk" case detailed back in January of last year? Where George Takei himself sought what it took to become a member of our ranks? As it turned out (it was something we didn't reveal to the general public at the time for rather obvious reasons) George was coerced by S.M.U.D.G.E. in an attempt to "get inside." How did S.M.U.D.G.E. do it? Just like this:

Working their so-called genetic mutation "magic" they took the real George Takei ...

... and melded his DNA with the head honcho alien from Close Encounters Of The Third Kind ...

Yeah, I know. Weird.

The result?

A "reasonable" (in their estimation) facsimile of George Takei ... which doesn't really make sense. (Actually, it's not a bad likeness. But ... they already had George, in the flesh brain-washed with their evil ways. They didn't need to clone a copy of him to try to weasel into our ranks.)

See what we mean? S.M.U.D.G.E.'s modus operandi is suspect and shaky right from the get-go. And that was and still is their undoing: Coming up with stuff that simply doesn't make sense. They have the tendency to come up with a perfect plan then tweak it in the weirdest way. Head-scratching to be sure.

But what really made the floor drop out from underneath them as legitimate bad guys was when they tried convincing the America public Mel Gibson was the inspiration for fast food giant Burger King's "The King" mascot:

You no doubt remember all the controversy that erupted on television and airwaves and office water coolers nation-wide over that one ... right?

What? You don't remember?

That's because there wasn't any controversy. Not one whit, not a hint.

It was a
 sham from the very start and it died a quick death. Not even Mel himself knew about it. He finally found out word of the scam years later. (And if it takes that long for word to come 'round, it doesn't bode well for your evil ne'er-do-well R&D department, if you know what I mean.

Thus, S.M.U.D.G.E. isn't much of an organization which knows how to pull the trigger and capitalize on its threats ...

Chalk up another one for the no-good, bumbling bad guys ...

P.S. We're seriously questioning Billy Ray Cyrus mole/informant worthiness of late ...

P.P.S. The quick among you will have noticed this particular post debuted on Sunday (rather than the usual Friday) as a wrap-up. The reason? Unbelieva-Babe fraternization. I don't think any more need be said ...

So sorry, George

There's no question that clip of Mr. Takei fencing on his incredibly popular show "Star Wars" didn't help his case with us. We take our swordsmanship VERY seriously. But the real disconnect was his absolute inability to deliver a suitable one-liner after a battle with an enemy. George says graceful and witty things. We are men of action, not words

and flowery, pithy, insightful speeches aren't really appropriate for what we do.
For instance, this is the kind of thing we say after defeating some foul ne'er do well:

"Enjoy your window shopping" - After we've kicked someone through a window

"Cool off" - After we've blasted someone with liquid nitrogen

"There's nothing like fall in New York" - After we've thrown someone off a skyscraper in New York

"So sorry about your explosive diarrhea" - After we've tricked someone into eating dynamite, which only happened once and was instantly regretted

And here's the kind of things George says...

“I’ve sometimes imagined that if sin had a flavor, it might very well be bacon.”

I mean, it's kind of cool but what the hell does it mean? Maybe if you said it after throwing a crooked priest into a pen of man-eating pigs, but how often are you going to get a chance to do that? Otherwise, it's confusing. Naturally, we can't stand around after solving a case contemplating the meaning of enigmatic riddles and being confused and suddenly thinking about how delicious bacon is.

So we sat down with George to break the news the best way we could think of.

GEORGE: So that's it? I'm out?
MICHAEL: Afraid so, buddy. Unfortunately, everybody just isn't cut out for it. Please try not to take it personally.
GEORGE: Oh no, it's really not that big a deal. I have plenty of stuff going on to keep me busy as it is. I just thought this might be fun so I gave it a shot. No hard feelings!
JEFF: Wow, you're taking this remarkably well. Not sure we were prepared for this.
GEORGE: Really, I'm fine. If anything, I feel bad for you guys, taking all this trouble to bring me to dinner on the top floor of this New York skyscraper with a spectacular window view. It's really not necessary. You could have just called me.
CLARK: (Sigh) I'll see if we can get a refund on the liquid nitrogen.
GEORGE: What is that under the bacon? I-is that dynamite?!?

Oh Myyy...

In Monday's missive from Michael, you might be forgiven for thinking that we did not like a certain G. Takei, Esq. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. We love George. We think he's a very talented and witty and perceptive individual. We adore him in everything he does. We especially love that moment in the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner where he told Bill, "F*%& you and the horse you rode in on!". We just think he's the bee's knees. We just don't think he's Unbelievables material. 

The Unbelievables and NOT George Takei.

Sure, he can act the hell out of the role of Mr. Sulu, the helmsman of the Starship NCC-1701 Enterprise. He writes many a witty quip on Twitter, Facebook and even on Amazon (click here). And he's a stylish, well-dressed guy (much like ourselves). He's a well-rounded, well-read, highly intelligent renaissance man, for sure. He just cannot cut it as an Unbelievable. We rejected his application because we knew it wouldn't work and it wasn't worth letting the poor guy come along and embarrass himself. He sent in his stunt double to try to 'shadow' us and help out on a case, to try to get to know the ropes, so to speak. But his stunt double (a very nice chap named Godfrey) didn't have his heart in the task and the photo above is the only one of him with us. It was taken at the start of day one, before he'd had any real experience with us. By the end of that day the man was a shell of his former self. We'd worn him out. He quit there and then, but we stayed in touch and he still comes to our occasional Pan-Asian Fusion Cookery Night Sleepovers (no, not to cook - Godfrey's rubbish in the kitchen, but he digs the Yakitori), and is dating an Unbelievababe named Trixie. Good old Godfrey.

No, George would not have worked out at all. Any info he got from Godfrey as to what was required of an Unbelievable was probably useless anyway, since we are constantly striving to improve, and updating our methods.

But what could have made Mr. Takei so certain he was made of the right stuff? Our guess - this...




I'll leave it to Clark to tell you all how we broke he news to George and convinced him once and for all the he wasn't cut out for Unbelievability. Till Friday then.... ciao!

The Red Shirt

 

Yes. We know: You've seen the above image time and again where The Unbelievables are concerned.

 

And, of course, there's a story behind the image. Several stories, actually, depending on which of us you ask.

 

As detailed previously, this was one of our more successful undercover operations with Jeff pulling off blondness in grand fashion and Clark looking slim and trim and pimp-o-licious to boot. (And, duh ... I've always looked fabulous in white ...)

 

The case - known as "Flared Jean Funk" - was of little import as it turned out. More to the point was the Asian gentleman to our left who was supposed to be none other than George Takei (yes ... that George Takei) in the flesh. As it turned out, he was an infiltrator put in place by none other than the real George Takei in an attempt to find out what it took to become a bonafide member of The Unbelievables.

 

 

Back in the day Jeff, Clark and I put the word out we were accepting applications for membership in our extraordinary crime fighting organization. Early on we thought it might be best to have additional bodies in the mix, believing "many hands make light work." In actual process, however, we discovered there were just too many cooks in the kitchen. (In the end, "less being more" is a better fit when it comes to fighting bad guys.)

 

Oh ... we continue to employ various reliable informants and others to aid in our endeavors. But no one yet has met our exacting standards. And Georgie Boy wasn't even close.  

 

That being said, we ticked him off by spurning his application. Simply, he just wasn't up to the task of "unbelievability" we've come to expect.

 

Jeff? Clark? Give everyone the down and dirty why we "red shirted" him ...