A Journey Into My Dark Heart

So it was decided. We were all going to try to explore our dark side. Set out on a journey into the deep dark recesses of our souls, take ownership of what we found there and then let our exteriors reflect that. Sounds easy, right?

Hmm.

Where would I find inspiration? How would I embark upon this journey?

It was not easy, believe you me. After all, there are many role models out there to help guide us. All the tough action heroes from books and movies was a place to start, but sorry, I'm not a quiet brooding guy like Nic Cage or Jimmy Stewart. I'm not a muscled-up tank-top wearing Bruce Willis or Rambo type. But then I thought... who are MY icons? Whose personal style speaks to me? And one name kept on coming up time and again.

Don Knotts.

The Guv'nor.

DK, to those in the know.

You might be laughing now, but underneath that gangly, googly-eyed, goofy exterior, DK was secretly a badass.

I mean, don't you remember THIS LP?

And remember the time when this rare shirtless shot leaked out?

So I did a little soul-searching. I meditated on it. I played ping-pong for six hours straight against Clark, and I'm pleased to say I beat him 275 games to 272. Finally, I felt ready. I went into the Unbelieva-closet, got myself all dark and gritty, then emerged, metamorphosed into a doom-laden, quietly brooding bad boy.

Whaddya think?

Dark and gritty isn't pretty

"You guys are supposed to be stylish gents, right? Well, do you know what's in style now? Dark and gritty reboots. Why don't you guys start all over with black and grays and a generally more somber attitude?" - an anonymous suggestion.

I don't know. Doesn't sound like much fun. But if it's good enough for James Bond, who am I to dismiss the idea without trying it? I sprung it on the boys the other day at breakfast...

JEFF: Okay, I'm making lattes! Who wants what?

CLARK: Coffee for me. Straight black.

JEFF: What no pumpkin spice?

CLARK: Coffee. Black. I'm brooding.

MICHAEL: Why are you brooding?

CLARK: Because I'm tortured by what I've seen and done and generally my whole tortured past and whatnot.

MICHAEL: Are you still bothered about eating all the caramel corn when we watched "Breakfast At Tiffany's" the other night? I told you that was no big deal and not to worry about it.

CLARK: No! I'm being dark and gritty. A fan suggested it.

JEFF: Ah, that explains your grey, black, dim grey, charcoal, ebony and dark black attire. 

CLARK: I haven't shaved in three days and where I used to speak to people I came across, now I just offer a disdainful grunt! Because I was probably orphaned when I was a child or something! Cool, huh?

MICHAEL: Kinda. But why? What is the point of changing something that works?

CLARK: Well, they did it to James Bond, they did it to Batman...

JEFF: He's right! They even did it to Superman!

CLARK: Yeah! We now have a moody, brooding Superman wearing a costume that looks like he washed it in used motor oil!

MICHAEL: I don't know. It seems like a silly trend that doesn't necessarily work out all the time...

CLARK: I'm going to go for a walk in the rain downtown tonight. I'm going to punch someone right in the face and not even say anything, because I'm edgy now. You guys should come with me!

They weren't enthusiastic but they didn't reject it entirely either. I'll let them tell their own stories about our (ultimately unsuccessful) attempt at re-branding ourselves as gloomily violent borderline psychos.