The Opposite Of Super

Sure, we're heroes. Not your average, everyday heroes, for sure. We're not firefighters, doctors, nurses, teachers, EMTs or cops. Our heroing is a different kind of heroing. We apprehend the worst kind of bad guys, the ones that are on a different echelon of bad. So we really don't need to be superheroes. Superheroes are the stuff of fiction, and we are most definitely, really really real. 

Besides, we've met a few self-styled superheroes in our many and varied travels, and let me tell you, there are a lot of them that are, how shall we say....LAME. For example...

PastaPuss of Hackensack, NJ. Able to track down Italian food at a distance of 3km.

Intestinal Gal from Tahlequah, OK. Superpower? We're not sure...

The Gurner. She was a beauty school dropout.

Robo-Kid. A few broken old toys and two shuttlecocks taped together does not a superhero make.

The Bag Ladies from Cut And Shoot, TX. Lovely legs but shame about their faces.

Super-antihero (Supervillain?) The Naked Executioner supposedly kept the heads of her victims and swapped them on a mannequin depending on her mood. When we busted her (see what I did there? Bust? Geddit? No? OK.) the heads were discovered to be wax. All she was guilty of was chopping the heads off of Madame Tussaud's figures.

Les Bicycleurs Avec Claude, French nonsensical non-super non-heroes. 

Although Galaxy Girl from Coupon, PA did not possess any superpowers, she is responsible for the invention of deely-boppers.

The Naked Grandparents. Not super, just Michael's grandparents.

A satellite receiver taped to her head, Goonhilly Girl from Goonhilly in the UK was sadly not able to receive any extraterrestrial  signals, and was therefore quite un-super.

Not sure who this is, but they were easy to spot.

Ozzy Osbourne occasionally dressed as a Victorian blind woman and pretended to be some kind of psychic. Who the others are is anyone's guess.

Granny Pretzel. Sorry Granny, but there is no way you can be a super-anything in this get-up.

Mr. Spikey Bikey didn't get anywhere very fast, and sadly all he ended up doing was killing a few hapless woodland creatures. Not super.

You've heard of the Pied Piper of Hamelin? This is the Penguin Kid of Chicken, AK.

In Experiment, GA, there is a local enclave of mattress cleaners known as Super-Kleen Mattress Inc. Among the services they offer is getting bloodstains out of mattresses, and it is for this reason only that we have them on our radar.

However, if I could pick a superhero to be, I'd choose Wolverine, because METAL BLADES STICKING OUT OF YOUR HANDS! HOW COOL IS THAT????

Sorry, what's Photoshop??