|She's definitely disturbed.|
"Your wicked plan isn't gonna work, AppleBob!" I yelled.
"Please, not in mah ear!" he replied, just as it hit me that I was standing only six inches from his face. "That smarts sumpn' fierce!"
"Guys, listen, there's no way his plan will work becuzzawuzzawspwspwspppp.." I whispered to the others. They nodded in agreement, leaning in.
"Hey! I can't hear! Why won't my plan work, Unbelievatwits!?"
Even though we don't generally respond well to insults, we continued with our little charade, making AppleBob all the more mad.
"What I think we ought to do is to wizzawsspwspwssssp..." The others nodded and made approving noises. "Mmm, yes, yes. Oh, mm, definitely."
"Hey! No fair!" screamed AppleBob, like a petulant child. "Tell me! TELL ME!!!!"
"Guys, shall we tell him?" I said to Clark and Michael.
"Well, I dunno", said Clark, "He didn't say please."
"No polite pleasies, no findy-outsies." agreed Michael.
AppleBob fidgeted and hemmed and hawed, until finally we heard a very quiet "Okay.... please."
"Can't hear you!" said Clark.
"I said, please tell me."
"That's better, " I said. "Your plan will not work because children around the world will actually eat frozen veggies! Many of them do already. And here's the rub - they like them. They actually do not turn their nose up at ice-cold veg. Some kids actually go out of their way to eat frozen corn and the like, straight out of the pack. By removing sweeties from the shop counters of the world, you've actually done the whole world a favour."
"You're putt'n me on."
"No, sir. Kids love veggies and fruit."
"OK... don't say we didn't warn you."
We then proceeded to show AppleBob a series of photos. THIS series of photos.
At each picture, AppleBob visibly winced, until the last picture (above), when his jaw dropped open (at least, we think it did - he still had the pumpkin on his head so it was impossible to tell, but he was speechless anyways).
"Is that... popsicle...a...a.."
"A frozen sweet potato on a stick, yes."
"Damn. Damn, damn, damn it all to hell and back and three times round the parking lot."
"So whaddya say, Bob? How bout you just replace all that candy?"
Bob was stunned. Now that he saw that his idea was going to have no effect on the morale of kids worldwide, he relented.
"So that's it, is it?" said Clark, somewhat disappointed. "He puts it all back and everyone just goes on their merry way without a how'd-you-do or a by-your-leave?" (It should be pointed out at this moment that Clark was going through a phase of affecting an English accent, dropping English phrases in here and there and doing a terrible job of it most of the time).
"I see what you mean, Clark," I offered. "I have an idea. You are aware, gentlemen, that this man's name sounds an awful lot like a party game that is extremely popular with the young'uns this time of year?"
Michael and Clark both nodded.
"What say we get some kiddiwinkies over here to play Apple Bobbing with AppleBob? Only we'll be bobbing him up and down in a large tank of water, pelting him with crabapples and generally torturing the man in an apple-themed way for fun and japes?"
Clark perked up. "Righto, jolly old chop-chop! I'm on it like a car bonnet, squire!" and off he went to round up some kids and various instruments of apple-themed torture.
Oh, the fun we had that afternoon. Apples here, there and everywhere. AppleBob took his lumps - in the stocks, the dunk tank, the Ferris Wheel of Doom (not sure where Clark found that), being held underwater for an extended period of time - until one by one everyone grew tired and toddled off home.
The candy was returned, AppleBob retired from villainy and now runs a B&B in Upstate New York.
So folks, Halloween was saved yet again by your own, your very own, Unbelievables. You are entirely welcome, world.
P.S. It transpired that AppleBob was not a frozen vegetable farmer at all, because when we investigated his "warehouse", all we found was seventeen chest freezers full of bags of Birds Eye brand vegetables. Turns out there'd been a sale at Kroger.